Seeking advice for a very confusing break up - 2.5 year relationship

[once removed]

JNChell - I showed her my soft, vulnerable and anxious side. Also, my caring supportive and protective side.

Of course, bigger picture, I know these personality traits are generally very unattractive for women, who seem to respond to large doses of aloofness.

theyre not (unattractive). they dont (respond to aloofness).

broadly speaking, this may have a lot more to do with inner beliefs, as well as the relationships you choose, and some combination of self fulfilling prophecies, and the lessons you have learned from past relationships.

I've come to realise that she had fallen in love with the guarded and cold me, and fallen out of love with the "real" me that was lurking underneath.

but you are partly right.

the "real you" wasnt rejected. that is ego speaking. the part of you that you guard, and desperately want to be loved for, but fear revealing, was rejected.

and no bones about it, that hurts on a deep, deep level, that can leave long lasting or permanent scars, especially if we learn the wrong lessons from it.

you could learn the lesson that this cold, guarded version is the loveable you that women will accept and love. you could learn that being vulnerable will turn women off. and if you do, your capacity to love and be loved will likely decrease and result in less rewarding relationships.

on the other hand, you can learn the lesson of becoming the best version of yourself - the authentic version, that is capable of real strength, and vulnerability, and genuine intimacy.

at the core of this relationship was both the desperate longing for, and crippling fear of intimacy, on both sides. it wasnt a rejection of who either truly was - neither of you were who you truly are.

we love those who love us.

For Love to survive and flourish, it must be reciprocated or it withers away.

that was my attitude at one time, too  

i hope youll stick around, Pan. you can learn a lifetime of lessons here.

[Pan87]

once removed - thanks for the wisdom.

I just awoke from a strange dream about her.

I had driven her to a bleak, rainy part of the city that I didn't recognise, but it still felt familiar somehow. The sky was grey, the concrete wet, a light rain was drizzling down. She had a job in a pharmacy there.

In the dream, this is the job she had always had while we were together. It was a part of her life that I never knew. I thought to myself "So this is where you go to work every day."

It was a grim and ghostly area, almost like Detroit. Run down, bill posters torn and flapping off the sides of dilapidated buildings.

I parked the car in a side street, next to an old canal. She got out of the car and walked ahead of me, her high-set ponytail bopping up and down as she strode purposefully towards the pharmacy.

Suddenly, I was inside the pharmacy. It was standing behind an aisle, and she was near the front counter. It was crowded, with lots of faceless strangers milling around. I was watching her, but she didn't see me. I was invisible. She was pouting and looking around the pharmacy, striking poses, as if to invite someone to come and talk with her and flirt with her. I felt a mixture of disgust and sadness. "How can you be so happy, spending all your days in this dilapidated part of town, working in this unimportant job?" I thought to myself.

I turned away from her and left the pharmacy. I felt a cold wind as I walked back to my car. I turned down a street that I thought my car was on, but it wasn't there. I felt a surge of anxiety as I looked for something familiar. I walked up and down the street, searching. I eventually came to a chain link cyclone fence. Through the mesh, I saw my car parked on the adjacent street. I felt a flood of relief as I walked back to my car and drove away.

[JNChell]

That’s a vivid dream. That must’ve been a trip to wake up from.  How much is your heart hurting over the loss of the relationship?

[Pan87]

JNChell - Yeah very vivid, but quite symbolic I think.

I've had a few similar dreams along the same lines - a decaying world, and my ex-girlfriend choosing to live in filthy, bizarre, broken, landscapes.

Perhaps the dreams mean that I see myself as truly adding value to her life, and now she's trying to navigate the wasteland of the world alone. Or maybe that's just an ego fantasy where my subconscious imagines that she'll never be happy without me.

I never seem to have dreams about her life being better without me.

I am in less pain now than when I was a few weeks ago. I am more curious these days about how her life is going, and if she's found some peace and happiness (either alone or with someone else).

I still haven't heard a word from her. I got a missed call from a "private" number about a week and a half ago at 11pm at night - silence on the other end of the phone. I quickly hung up.

I'd like to think it was her, but perhaps it was just a telemarketer with a bad line. What's stuck in my mind is that I don't typically get calls from "private" numbers, so perhaps it was her and she was too afraid to speak.

Now that some time has passed, and I can view things slightly more objectively, I do honestly believe that I added a lot of value to her life. Despite my mistakes, which were all human mistakes and not unforgivable, in my perhaps not-so-humble opinion. In time, I'm quite confident that she'll be able to reflect on the good things our relationship had. The faded effect bias (FAB) will become stronger and she might reconsider the break-up.

I have a lot more experience than her and I know that the connection we had is very rare. Perhaps she needs some time to experience life alone for a while and come to that realisation herself.

I'm currently working with a relationship coach, who is suggesting we craft an email, something sublime, to send to her in a few weeks. Jury is out for me on this. I think it would be more powerful if she reaches out to me first. She already knows how I feel about her, and I think reiterating that to her would just me look weak and needy.

Overall time frame now is it has been nearly 7 weeks since we broke up (break up happened in mid-March), and a little over 3 weeks of no contact/radio silence. It's still relatively early days in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps the next month or so might see some progress. I'll certainly update here and let you know.

My mindset now is one of wanting to start afresh and build a new relationship with her. I accept that our old relationship is now over.

[once removed]

My mindset now is one of wanting to start afresh and build a new relationship with her. I accept that our old relationship is now over.

this is a good, important attitude; do the work around it on the Bettering board.