Seeking advice for a very confusing break up - 2.5 year relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello. This is my first post. I have come here with an empty cup, seeking advice about a confusing break-up that happened 3 weeks ago.

I have been blocked by my ex girlfriend everywhere, and I have been in Strict NC for 9 days now.

I want to first mention that I was not a perfect partner and I made mistakes in this relationship.

This is a long and messy story. I am hoping someone will read this and find it interesting enough to share some wisdom with me.

Firstly, I have never been dumped before. This is a new experience for me. I am stuck in the obsessive-thinking stage, coupled with insomnia, regret and sadness. Anger is also present. The anger was directed towards myself initially, and now it is also directed at her for cutting me off completely.

I am going to be as candid as I can, and make full admissions of the mistakes I have made that contributed to this break-up.

So let's start;

I met this girl 2.5 years ago. I was in the "Player" stage of my life. This is not something I'm proud of, but I was extremely confident and arrogant at that stage of my life.

I was 30, she was 24. For the first 5 months, she was obsessed with me. She filled up every corner of my world, and I filled up hers. After reading this website, I believe my ex girlfriend has BPD and I was idealised by her at this stage (Painted white is the term?).

I was initially bewildered by her obsession with me. I had found a girl that appeared to be perfect in every way (beautiful, smart, funny). I felt immense pressure to live up to the ideals and expectations she had of me. I was like her oak tree, sheltering her from the storm. Almost like a father figure. She was extremely emotional, anxious and isolated. She had almost no friends, and a string of disappointing relationships and friendships behind her.

I began to feel suffocated by her pressure. She needed me to be present at all times. I am somewhat introverted and the need for space began to build up inside me like a pressure cooker. I wasn't able to set any parameters in the relationship and I began to feel trapped. She was telling me constantly that she "loved me", but I didn't say it back. I suppose I wasn't ready to give into the relationship yet because I knew that this woman would potentially be my life partner. I knew she was perfect for me. But, for reasons I can't quite understand, I didn't reciprocate her verbalisation of love. I think part of the reason for this is because I had just come out of a period of my life where I had enjoyed enormous success with women, and I felt like I had found someone I would settle down with. For some reason I felt a mixture of resentment and love.

I noticed that this appeared to cause her to chase me even more. I had a strong sense that she wanted to "win me over", and saw it as a challenge. Her emotions appeared to thrive under these circumstances.

Then I made a terrible decision. I decided to cheat on her, to regain a sense of control. This was born out of arrogance, pride and a need for space and freedom. I was also, unfortunately, a sex addict prior to meeting her. I found adjusting to monogamy easy to begin with, but increasingly difficult as she began to eat up all of my time and energy. I didn't think I would get caught, and I didn't think she would leave me even if I did get caught because she appeared to be utterly besotted with me.

My ex girlfriend's intuition is something I underestimated. She started to suspect something. I was being cagey with my phone and she sensed something.

One morning I was taking a shower. I heard a loud scream. She has broken the password of my phone and found all the evidence that I had been meeting other women. It was undeniable evidence, and evidence that I have been having sex.

I make no excuses for this behaviour and I fully expected her to leave me for good.

When my ex-girlfriend confronted me with the evidence of my infidelity, my confidence was shattered in an instant. I didn't know what to say. All the love suddenly disappeared from her face. She packed up all of her stuff and left.

I met her downstairs as she was leaving and said to her "I just want to let you know that I do love you, and I'm sorry I never go a chance to express it." I then walked away with tears in my eyes. I figured the relationship was over and I had lost a good woman. I felt incredibly stupid, but I was prepared to wear it and accepted that my intense 5-month relationship with her was over.

Then she came back a few days later. After some talking and several fights, we resumed the relationship. After discussing my mistakes in depth with her, my stance was to try to focus on good experiences moving into the future. She appeared to be happy with this and appeared to want to move forward in a healthier relationship with me.

The relationship continued for the next 2 years. It was never quite the same, but it was still a good relationship, very loving, and we were together almost every day. She made a few weak attempts to "pull the rug", but it never lasted more than a few days and it was easy to interpret these moves as "tests" and punishment for my cheating.

The final year of our relationship was without incident. I was in atonement mode and I thought we had reached new and higher levels of understanding. She would say things like "we have been through so much together" and "I have come to really love the person you are. You are so different from when I first met you."

She always initiated sex and she had a high libido. Her constant need for sex drained me from time to time. I began to feel like I was a drug for her.

Things started to change over the past 3-6 months. I felt her distancing. It was depressing me. It happened gradually and almost imperceptibly at first. She began to express strong desires to expand her friendship circles. I saw this as healthy and I encouraged it. She began spending more time with friends and seemed to be prioritising me less and less.  In the final months of our relationship she would book out her weekends with activities with friends. It was ambiguous because she was acting insecure about it, almost as if she was anticipating me getting upset about it. She would book a week of activities with friends, but simultaneously always call and check up on me.

I was initially very easygoing about this. I wouldn't chase her and I'd always wait for her to call me first when she was out with her friends. But in time I eventually sensed that there was some kind of Game going on where she was waiting for a reaction. This led to a few altercations, where she would lift her game initially and be more consistent, and then start to fade again in time with prioritising me less and less.

The biggest issue and impasse we faced over this 2 year period is that I wanted her trust and love to return, and for the relationship to move forward. She wanted to take the relationship day-by-day and focus on enjoying our time together. I tried to play it cool, and I was mostly able to. I figured I deserved it for betraying her trust and that I needed to rebuild her trust over an extended period of time.

There were flashes of extremely positive things and progress in our relationship. She moved into an apartment down the road from me, so she was close by. We spoke briefly about getting a place together, but I sensed so underlying reluctance from her. I was holding myself back because I wanted her to genuinely want the relationship to get serious, without me pushing her into it. She was dipping her toes in and it seemed to be moving forward. But ultimately, it wasn't moving fast enough for me and the relationship started to stall and then appeared to be going backwards in the final months.

This was a source of anxiety and depression for the remainder of our relationship. It prevented me from fully investing, because I knew she doubted a long-term future with me. I wanted her to be crazy about me again (even though I knew I'd made big mistakes early on). I knew she just wanted to be with me today, and that's as far ahead as she thought (or so I thought).

The breakdown began when she developed a seemingly tight group of new friends, from her workplace.

She has always expressed the desire to make friends, but always struggled because she is introverted, anxious and insecure. Her self-protection was to not get involved in what she saw as a very competitive and status-driven world.

Even though she was so close to me physically, she also felt very far away. I began to feel very lonely. A her actions, I felt, were the real message. She placated me constantly with reassurance, but her actions were those of distancing and ambivalence.

As this was happening, I was simultaneously getting tired of the relationship stagnating and was building up to make a big "power play". I wanted her to decide. I wanted commitment. However, I was scared because I knew it was risky. She knew that I wanted deeper commitment too so this was no mystery to her. I think she privately enjoyed punishing me (who wouldn't?). But I do believe she was also trying to move past her negative feelings about me and reconnect with love and trust again. I also believe at some point in the past 6 months she shifted from this mindset of "rebuilding trust", to deciding to string me along instead. Maybe it wasn't conscious, but high levels of ambivalence began to become rather obvious to me.

I let these feelings build up over time. I was somewhat ashamed of being over-committed in the relationship compared to her. It felt unbalanced.

At the back of my mind, I knew I had violated her trust and I deserved to be in this position, but after 2 years I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore. I couldn't be happy loving a her, because I knew that her love was a shadow of what it was in the past.

It eventually all came to a head 2 weeks ago. We had a fight over something silly. I then massively escalated it. I prompted the break up by saying "What this is really about is this. Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you." This was manipulative of me. I expected her to fight for me (as she usually did when I distance myself from her - this was her insecurity which I mistook for love). This time, however, she said "let's stop" at which point I got very angry and told her to pack up her stuff and leave. It was an angry experience. I was shouting at her to "fix it." I then said that if she left now then she would never see me again.

She left.

This is where it gets a bit strange...

After she left my apartment. I was numb. I went to a local cafe for a meal.

She called me in the middle of my meal, very upset, saying that she had been listening to one of our special songs and saying that she felt "sorry for me." I abruptly ended the conversation by saying I was in a busy restaurant and couldn't talk. She immediately said angrily "Who are you with?". She then blew up my phone with calls and said that she was going to "kill herself" because she thought I was with another woman already.

She came back to my apartment again that day and accused me of being with another girl. She flung open my apartment door because she thought I was hiding a girl in there. We hugged and I told her not to worry about anything that was just said. I told her to drive safely and don't be upset, because she had an appointment with a friend that evening. I was privately very annoyed that she still decided to go and meet her friend after, what I thought was, just another fight and a make-up. Little did I realise that this would be the last time I would see her in person.

After she left, I immediately decided to go into "No Contact", hoping that she would come to her senses.

The next night she called me, I answered and she said "my friends said I shouldn't talk to you at all." I was annoyed that she was trying to position me between her and her friends. I told her that I needed space to digest what had happened, and I would talk to her in a few days if she wanted to. I also told her to beware of her friend's advice and to follow her heart. I hung up. She called me again immediately and I forcefully told her that I needed space and I would not contact her for a few days.

The next night she called me 3 times in a row. I didn't answer. This was the last time I heard from her. This was over 2 weeks ago now.

3 days after she last tried to contact me, I texted her with a photo of us from the good times, while saying "it couldn't last forever". This was manipulative of me. I wanted a reaction. I got none. No response. 3 days later I tried to call her. Blocked. I'm blocked on everything.

I went crazy today trying to get closure from my ex-girlfriend. I made all the mistakes. I called her from a different number, tried calling her through Facebook. She has gone radio silent on me and has blocked my number. I can't even get a response.

It's amazing how quickly someone can flick a switch off. It has been 3 weeks now since the break up, and nearly 3 weeks since she last tried to contact me. I tried to call her from a different phone number 9 days ago, and texted that I was "leaving the city and wanted to speak with her one last time." No response, but I saw she received the text (whatsapp blue ticks - she then blocked me on whatsapp). I actually did leave the city because of Coronavirus lockdown.

I am assuming at this point that she has either met someone else, she is angry and trying to manipulate me or she is genuinely trying to move on and has gone for a clean break. I have limited insight into this situation and I need help in understanding it.

A big motivator, I thought, for wanting to speak with her was to get some kind of closure. I was seeking closure because I don't want her to appear again if I am trying to move on (which I am, I think. I still love her, but I want her to love me and want me too).

During the first 2 week period after we broke up I also sent her an email which was a kind of "clean slate" email. I made it clear that I love her and want to be with her, but I respect her choice and will cherish our memories. She didn't respond. I don't want to beg, I wanted to make it clear that I love her, but that she has to want this too. If she doesn't, then I respect her choice. I was trying to appear strong.

Every day I wait is a day from my future which is lost. It is the most painful period of my life. Insomnia, obsessively thinking about the mistakes I made in the relationship, holding the mirror up, realising that I have lost the best person I have ever met. When we were connected, our souls were one. We were inseparable.

I don't take pity on myself. I made a big mistake by cheating on her. If it was me walking in her shoes, I would find it impossible to forgive.

After going crazy 9 days ago and trying to contact her on whatsapp, facebook and calling from a different number, I have gone into strict NO Contact now and I don't expect to hear from her again.

What's my prognosis here ladies and gents?

I realise that I paint a very flawed picture of myself. I am desperate for understanding.

Quite psychological profile of my ex - her parents divorced when she was 10 years old and it was psychologically devastating for her. Her father found another woman soon after the divorce and had some new children. My ex-girlfriend felt completely replaced and this has been a source of ongoing trauma for her.

Thanks in advance for any help, insights or advice. I apologise for the long post, but I didn't want to miss any details that might help shed insight into this story.

[Pan87]

Hello. This is my first post. I have come here with an empty cup, seeking advice about a confusing break-up that happened 3 weeks ago.

I have been blocked by my ex girlfriend everywhere, and I have been in Strict NC for 9 days now.

I want to first mention that I was not a perfect partner and I made mistakes in this relationship.

This is a long and messy story. I am hoping someone will read this and find it interesting enough to share some wisdom with me.

Firstly, I have never been dumped before. This is a new experience for me. I am stuck in the obsessive-thinking stage, coupled with insomnia, regret and sadness. Anger is also present. The anger was directed towards myself initially, and now it is also directed at her for cutting me off completely.

I am going to be as candid as I can, and make full admissions of the mistakes I have made that contributed to this break-up.

So let's start;

I met this girl 2.5 years ago. I was in the "Player" stage of my life. This is not something I'm proud of, but I was extremely confident and arrogant at that stage of my life.

I was 30, she was 24. For the first 5 months, she was obsessed with me. She filled up every corner of my world, and I filled up hers. After reading this website, I believe my ex girlfriend has BPD and I was idealised by her at this stage (Painted white is the term?).

I was initially bewildered by her obsession with me. I had found a girl that appeared to be perfect in every way (beautiful, smart, funny). I felt immense pressure to live up to the ideals and expectations she had of me. I was like her oak tree, sheltering her from the storm. Almost like a father figure. She was extremely emotional, anxious and isolated. She had almost no friends, and a string of disappointing relationships and friendships behind her.

I began to feel suffocated by her pressure. She needed me to be present at all times. I am somewhat introverted and the need for space began to build up inside me like a pressure cooker. I wasn't able to set any parameters in the relationship and I began to feel trapped. She was telling me constantly that she "loved me", but I didn't say it back. I suppose I wasn't ready to give into the relationship yet because I knew that this woman would potentially be my life partner. I knew she was perfect for me. But, for reasons I can't quite understand, I didn't reciprocate her verbalisation of love. I think part of the reason for this is because I had just come out of a period of my life where I had enjoyed enormous success with women, and I felt like I had found someone I would settle down with. For some reason I felt a mixture of resentment and love.

I noticed that this appeared to cause her to chase me even more. I had a strong sense that she wanted to "win me over", and saw it as a challenge. Her emotions appeared to thrive under these circumstances.

Then I made a terrible decision. I decided to cheat on her, to regain a sense of control. This was born out of arrogance, pride and a need for space and freedom. I was also, unfortunately, a sex addict prior to meeting her. I found adjusting to monogamy easy to begin with, but increasingly difficult as she began to eat up all of my time and energy. I didn't think I would get caught, and I didn't think she would leave me even if I did get caught because she appeared to be utterly besotted with me.

My ex girlfriend's intuition is something I underestimated. She started to suspect something. I was being cagey with my phone and she sensed something.

One morning I was taking a shower. I heard a loud scream. She has broken the password of my phone and found all the evidence that I had been meeting other women. It was undeniable evidence, and evidence that I have been having sex.

I make no excuses for this behaviour and I fully expected her to leave me for good.

When my ex-girlfriend confronted me with the evidence of my infidelity, my confidence was shattered in an instant. I didn't know what to say. All the love suddenly disappeared from her face. She packed up all of her stuff and left.

I met her downstairs as she was leaving and said to her "I just want to let you know that I do love you, and I'm sorry I never go a chance to express it." I then walked away with tears in my eyes. I figured the relationship was over and I had lost a good woman. I felt incredibly stupid, but I was prepared to wear it and accepted that my intense 5-month relationship with her was over.

Then she came back a few days later. After some talking and several fights, we resumed the relationship. After discussing my mistakes in depth with her, my stance was to try to focus on good experiences moving into the future. She appeared to be happy with this and appeared to want to move forward in a healthier relationship with me.

The relationship continued for the next 2 years. It was never quite the same, but it was still a good relationship, very loving, and we were together almost every day. She made a few weak attempts to "pull the rug", but it never lasted more than a few days and it was easy to interpret these moves as "tests" and punishment for my cheating.

The final year of our relationship was without incident. I was in atonement mode and I thought we had reached new and higher levels of understanding. She would say things like "we have been through so much together" and "I have come to really love the person you are. You are so different from when I first met you."

She always initiated sex and she had a high libido. Her constant need for sex drained me from time to time. I began to feel like I was a drug for her.

Things started to change over the past 3-6 months. I felt her distancing. It was depressing me. It happened gradually and almost imperceptibly at first. She began to express strong desires to expand her friendship circles. I saw this as healthy and I encouraged it. She began spending more time with friends and seemed to be prioritising me less and less.  In the final months of our relationship she would book out her weekends with activities with friends. It was ambiguous because she was acting insecure about it, almost as if she was anticipating me getting upset about it. She would book a week of activities with friends, but simultaneously always call and check up on me.

I was initially very easygoing about this. I wouldn't chase her and I'd always wait for her to call me first when she was out with her friends. But in time I eventually sensed that there was some kind of Game going on where she was waiting for a reaction. This led to a few altercations, where she would lift her game initially and be more consistent, and then start to fade again in time with prioritising me less and less.

The biggest issue and impasse we faced over this 2 year period is that I wanted her trust and love to return, and for the relationship to move forward. She wanted to take the relationship day-by-day and focus on enjoying our time together. I tried to play it cool, and I was mostly able to. I figured I deserved it for betraying her trust and that I needed to rebuild her trust over an extended period of time.

There were flashes of extremely positive things and progress in our relationship. She moved into an apartment down the road from me, so she was close by. We spoke briefly about getting a place together, but I sensed so underlying reluctance from her. I was holding myself back because I wanted her to genuinely want the relationship to get serious, without me pushing her into it. She was dipping her toes in and it seemed to be moving forward. But ultimately, it wasn't moving fast enough for me and the relationship started to stall and then appeared to be going backwards in the final months.

This was a source of anxiety and depression for the remainder of our relationship. It prevented me from fully investing, because I knew she doubted a long-term future with me. I wanted her to be crazy about me again (even though I knew I'd made big mistakes early on). I knew she just wanted to be with me today, and that's as far ahead as she thought (or so I thought).

The breakdown began when she developed a seemingly tight group of new friends, from her workplace.

She has always expressed the desire to make friends, but always struggled because she is introverted, anxious and insecure. Her self-protection was to not get involved in what she saw as a very competitive and status-driven world.

Even though she was so close to me physically, she also felt very far away. I began to feel very lonely. A her actions, I felt, were the real message. She placated me constantly with reassurance, but her actions were those of distancing and ambivalence.

As this was happening, I was simultaneously getting tired of the relationship stagnating and was building up to make a big "power play". I wanted her to decide. I wanted commitment. However, I was scared because I knew it was risky. She knew that I wanted deeper commitment too so this was no mystery to her. I think she privately enjoyed punishing me (who wouldn't?). But I do believe she was also trying to move past her negative feelings about me and reconnect with love and trust again. I also believe at some point in the past 6 months she shifted from this mindset of "rebuilding trust", to deciding to string me along instead. Maybe it wasn't conscious, but high levels of ambivalence began to become rather obvious to me.

I let these feelings build up over time. I was somewhat ashamed of being over-committed in the relationship compared to her. It felt unbalanced.

At the back of my mind, I knew I had violated her trust and I deserved to be in this position, but after 2 years I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore. I couldn't be happy loving a her, because I knew that her love was a shadow of what it was in the past.

It eventually all came to a head 2 weeks ago. We had a fight over something silly. I then massively escalated it. I prompted the break up by saying "What this is really about is this. Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you." This was manipulative of me. I expected her to fight for me (as she usually did when I distance myself from her - this was her insecurity which I mistook for love). This time, however, she said "let's stop" at which point I got very angry and told her to pack up her stuff and leave. It was an angry experience. I was shouting at her to "fix it." I then said that if she left now then she would never see me again.

She left.

This is where it gets a bit strange...

After she left my apartment. I was numb. I went to a local cafe for a meal.

She called me in the middle of my meal, very upset, saying that she had been listening to one of our special songs and saying that she felt "sorry for me." I abruptly ended the conversation by saying I was in a busy restaurant and couldn't talk. She immediately said angrily "Who are you with?". She then blew up my phone with calls and said that she was going to "kill herself" because she thought I was with another woman already.

She came back to my apartment again that day and accused me of being with another girl. She flung open my apartment door because she thought I was hiding a girl in there. We hugged and I told her not to worry about anything that was just said. I told her to drive safely and don't be upset, because she had an appointment with a friend that evening. I was privately very annoyed that she still decided to go and meet her friend after, what I thought was, just another fight and a make-up. Little did I realise that this would be the last time I would see her in person.

After she left, I immediately decided to go into "No Contact", hoping that she would come to her senses.

The next night she called me, I answered and she said "my friends said I shouldn't talk to you at all." I was annoyed that she was trying to position me between her and her friends. I told her that I needed space to digest what had happened, and I would talk to her in a few days if she wanted to. I also told her to beware of her friend's advice and to follow her heart. I hung up. She called me again immediately and I forcefully told her that I needed space and I would not contact her for a few days.

The next night she called me 3 times in a row. I didn't answer. This was the last time I heard from her. This was over 2 weeks ago now.

3 days after she last tried to contact me, I texted her with a photo of us from the good times, while saying "it couldn't last forever". This was manipulative of me. I wanted a reaction. I got none. No response. 3 days later I tried to call her. Blocked. I'm blocked on everything.

I went crazy today trying to get closure from my ex-girlfriend. I made all the mistakes. I called her from a different number, tried calling her through Facebook. She has gone radio silent on me and has blocked my number. I can't even get a response.

It's amazing how quickly someone can flick a switch off. It has been 3 weeks now since the break up, and nearly 3 weeks since she last tried to contact me. I tried to call her from a different phone number 9 days ago, and texted that I was "leaving the city and wanted to speak with her one last time." No response, but I saw she received the text (whatsapp blue ticks - she then blocked me on whatsapp). I actually did leave the city because of Coronavirus lockdown.

I am assuming at this point that she has either met someone else, she is angry and trying to manipulate me or she is genuinely trying to move on and has gone for a clean break. I have limited insight into this situation and I need help in understanding it.

A big motivator, I thought, for wanting to speak with her was to get some kind of closure. I was seeking closure because I don't want her to appear again if I am trying to move on (which I am, I think. I still love her, but I want her to love me and want me too).

During the first 2 week period after we broke up I also sent her an email which was a kind of "clean slate" email. I made it clear that I love her and want to be with her, but I respect her choice and will cherish our memories. She didn't respond. I don't want to beg, I wanted to make it clear that I love her, but that she has to want this too. If she doesn't, then I respect her choice. I was trying to appear strong.

Every day I wait is a day from my future which is lost. It is the most painful period of my life. Insomnia, obsessively thinking about the mistakes I made in the relationship, holding the mirror up, realising that I have lost the best person I have ever met. When we were connected, our souls were one. We were inseparable.

I don't take pity on myself. I made a big mistake by cheating on her. If it was me walking in her shoes, I would find it impossible to forgive.

After going crazy 9 days ago and trying to contact her on whatsapp, facebook and calling from a different number, I have gone into strict NO Contact now and I don't expect to hear from her again.

What's my prognosis here ladies and gents?

I realise that I paint a very flawed picture of myself. I am desperate for understanding.

Quite psychological profile of my ex - her parents divorced when she was 10 years old and it was psychologically devastating for her. Her father found another woman soon after the divorce and had some new children. My ex-girlfriend felt completely replaced and this has been a source of ongoing trauma for her.

Thanks in advance for any help, insights or advice. I apologise for the long post, but I didn't want to miss any details that might help shed insight into this story.

[Pan87]

I made some mistakes with the timescales of NC and the breakup, and I'm unable to edit the post now.

Just to clarify, I haven't contacted her for 9 days. It was 9 days ago that i went crazy and tried to call her on whatsapp, facebook and alternate number and was blocked everywhere.

Apologies for the grammar and spelling mistakes too. I wish I could edit the post. Hopefully it still all makes sense. Just take into account the timescale errors.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Pan87-

Welcome to our community.  These relationships, with all their ups and downs are filled with emotion and very confusing.

Your post IS filled with a LOT of information and timelines... please know I’m not discounting that or the time and likely pain it took for you to put this information down.  We can address  all details later.

But first, I’ve got a few pointed questions.

1.  What about your exGF’s behavior leads you to believe she has BPD or traits of BPD?

2.  What work and self-reflection have you done on / with yourself to address the sex addiction issues and behavior you state you had *before* entering this relationship?  Have you arrived at your awareness of what drives these behaviors?

3.  You say you want this “closure” conversation  because you ... “don’t want her to “appear again” if you are trying to move on...”.  This statement, the way I read it, *could* mean you’re looking for a green light to engage with another woman?  Is this your meaning?  If so, not a good move, in my opinion.  At least if you love your GF as you say you do.

If your exGF is truly suffering from strong BPD traits, through learning about the drivers behind BPD, you’ll come to understand and accept that there is generally no closure from people with a disordered mind.  You’ll need to give that closure to yourself.  It takes time to understand her role, and YOUR role in the demise of your relationship.

Please understand, Pan... I speak with you WITHOUT judgement.  On this forum, we try to be very honest with one another.  Many of us address issues here that we may NOT be able to address with people IRL (in real life).

These relationships often force us to take a hard hard look at our own behavior.  And how we process things.  And if we do OUR work and take our own accountability, we come away with tools that make us much better partners, much better people,  for the future.

Do you want to reunite with your exGF?

Again, welcome.  This is a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings. Please continue posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[JNChell]

Pan87, welcome to BPDFamily. Thank you for laying out in detail what your situation is. I’m sorry that it’s eating at you, but it’s a good thing to bring it here. It’s very complex. Would you agree? So let’s tackle some tough questions here and see what we can come up with.

The relationship continued for the next 2 years. It was never quite the same

Could this be because trust was broken?

She always initiated sex and she had a high libido. Her constant need for sex drained me from time to time.

Is it possible that she was trying to please you in her best effort to keep you from cheating again?

She did, in fact, become emotionally dysregulated. Threats of suicide are serious regardless of whether they are truly serious about following through, or if it is a manipulation.

Thank you for being so open and honest here. Let’s look outside of BPD for a moment, and simply look at the dynamic that you described. Objectively. You were a player/sex addict. Are you still addicted to sex? This girl got your attention and took you away from your addiction for a time. Eventually, your addiction took hold again, and you cheated. Your GF found out and was hurt. Trust was gone from the dynamic at this point. The two of you tried to rekindle things. You stated that she was very into you before the cheating happened. This means that she was emotionally invested in you. That is a hard thing to let go of for some folks. In hence, the two of you tried, but the trust had already been broken. With that being said, do you think that the relationship had any real chance?

You’re an open and honest guy. Can you tell us more?

[Pan87]

Thanks for your responses both Gemforeyes and JNChell.

I would firstly like to thank you sincerely for showing interest in my story. It is extremely appreciated.

I'd also like to apologies for my delayed response. I have tried to step away from the internet for a week to clear my head and work on my spiraling emotional state.

I would love to address your questions, but I first need to add an important update.

A week ago, last Saturday, I impulsively went to her apartment and buzzed her intercom. I was desperate for an answer as to why she "disappeared." I have got my answer.

She answered the intercom and informed me that she "didn't feel safe seeing me", and so we instead had a conversation through the intercom, at her suggestion. She did not want to see me in person. I'd like to say that I was very calm and measured throughout the conversation. I did not raise my voice or admonish her for cutting me off. I also reaffirmed my love for her and that I was working through my own issues.

She revealed through this conversation that she had started seeing a psychologist and was trying to work through her issues. Her key points here were that she was trying to resolve her "clingy-ness" and her need to hold onto relationships. She also stated that, in the heat of the moment when we initially broke up 4 weeks ago, that I made her feel unsafe by forcefully grabbing her and talking to her in an angst-ridden and angry voice. In that moment I commanded multiple times for her to "fix it!" (the relationship). I also admonished her severely about the decline of the relationship in that moment of emotional anguish and anger.

I didn't initially realise that my anger had scared her. She did come back to my apartment twice after that incident and mentioned that she "deserved it" (my anger) and that she felt bad about leading me on. Her initial behaviour towards me after the break-up was one of pity. It was very shameful on my part, because she was saying things like "I feel sorry for you" and "I know you love me" - total ego boasting and presenting herself as high value, and me as needy pursuer. This was proceeded by her accusing me of being with another women (as detailed in my first post). This just doesn't seem consistent with her now being "scared and unsafe" around me, but perhaps I'm making excuses for myself and you could shed some light for me.

The conversation over the intercom lasted about 10 minutes. I kept my voice lighthearted and caring. She talked a lot, and seemed to want to continue the conversation after I tried to politely end it a few times. I presented myself as one of a concerned ex-partner who just wanted to make sure she was okay, and mentioned that I wasn't sure if she had received my messages. She mentioned that she had talked with her psychologist about our relationship and developed the view that our relationship was "not normal" and that if were to get back together there would be a honeymoon period and inevitable regression. I countered by saying that "every relationship is unique." I also mentioned that I had been talking to a psychologist too about my anger issues and drug-use (marijuana). I then said that I had spoken to my psychologist about our relationship and that my psychologist had suggested she may have BPD patterns. She appeared to be interested in this, and I said that her behavioural patterns matched BPD and she could look into it herself. This was potentially a mistake on my part, and the one part of the conversation that I regret in some ways. I also touched on her suicide threat as a motivator for me wanting to check up on her. I also made it clear that it was my hope that we could work on the relationship together and grow together through this, she rebuffed this quite directly by saying that she didn't want to lead me on, and this was not a relationship that she wanted to continue. I was accepting, restated my love for her, and we eventually ended the conversation on that note. She also mentioned that the COVID lock-downs were a good time to reflect and for her to work on herself. She also emphasised that she was alone. This emphasis of "alone" seemed to stand out to me, but maybe I'm delusional and reading too much into it. The reality is that we have been apart for nearly a month now. She has also made it clear that she feels "unsafe" with me.

I make no excuses for my behaviour in terms of totally losing my temper during the initial break-up and laying my hands on her, however her behaviour immediately following the break-up (returning to my apartment, tears and multiple phonecalls, saying once that she missed me - 2 days after we broke up) suggests that she wasn't scared of me. I want to restate that initially after the break-up it was me that was pulling away from her. This was a ploy on my part. I was hoping that my distancing would cause her to come back. This obviously back-fired as she decided to block me everywhere after I ignored her for a few days.

I would like to reaffirm that I believe her new friends and the psychologist have armed her with the confidence that she has made the right choice. She is a highly suggestible person.

To answer your questions Gemforeyes;

1. What makes me think my ex has BPD?

She is the victim of a traumatic divorce between her parents. She was 10 years old and she describes her life as "perfect" up until this point. Her father found another woman soon after the divorce and had some more kids. My ex-girlfriend said she felt "replaced" and this was clearly traumatic for her. She recounts that she was "trembling with rage" over the replacement. She has Daddy Issues and she would always call me "daddy" during sex. She also expressed, not long before our break-up, that she wanted me to be her dad, and then she mentioned she wanted to find a dad that will never hurt her (this contradicted her first point, because I did hurt her). This was when she was very. very drunk. This is the only time i have seen her drunk, and she appeared to use it as a tool to open-up to me.

She also has extreme anxiety and has a string of failed relationships and friendships behind her (she cheated brutally on her bf before me). Her mother is also extremely toxic and has influenced her strongly with man-hating "all men are bastards"-type language. I have met her mother. Her mother has adopted a extreme form of fundamentalist Buddhism , which advocates "no attachments". This is obviously her post-divorce coping strategy. All of this combined makes me think that my ex is a likely candidate for BPD, and I have inflamed her BPD traits through my own actions during the relationship.

2. Have I reflected on my sex addiction?

Absolutely. Sex became like a drug and an escape for me. I have been addicted to marijuana previously in my life and at times during the relationship with my ex-girlfriend, but I found casual sex with new people to be the ultimate escape and distraction. I had a very turbulent relationship with my own mother, who was extremely flaky with her love towards me. I was caught in a push-pull cycle with my mother that would dramatically veer between moments of her expressing deep love for me, and then violent anger towards me. The violence was physical and emotional and would usually involve things like throwing things at me, hitting me with brooms and banishing me from the house. I developed a very passive aggressive personality from this, and problematic trust issues where I would not trust the loving states of others - I see love as very ephemeral. This left me with a strange combination of abandonment issues, extreme narcissism from my mother telling me I was special and gifted, and a desire to fulfill the disappointment that I expected to encounter from others, as a result of continual disappointment my parents expressed towards me. I have noticed that people tend to idealise me when they first encounter me, and I am extremely uncomfortable with this and I find that I want to disappoint them so that I may find my comfort zone of "low expectations." But I have also found that once someone becomes disappointed with me and takes me off of the pedestal, I resent them intensely. I'd also like to mentioned that my mother cheated on my father when I was about 13 years old. This threw my family into turmoil for a year. My parents decided to stay together, but my father completely disappeared as an influence in my life. He became like a ghost. Prior to his emotional "disappearance" he was an extreme disciplinarian. I have lacked a strong male role model in my father. I have found several surrogates, but they ended in disappointment for various reasons.

Regarding sex, I became very adept at the seduction and "disappearing act" or gradual fade out with women. I do not mean this as a boast. It was actually a horrible thing. I have slept with over 500 women in my life, most of them after the age of 25 (I am 32 now). I was a late bloomer and suffered from severe sexual performance anxiety prior to this, but I met a girl at the age of 23 who basically mothered me and turned me into a sex machine. We broke up through circumstance (I was transferred overseas for work). I am still in contact with this woman. She has expressed strong desire to rekindle our relationship, but I have told her directly that I see her as my Mother and I want her to stay in my life as a Mother figure (we are living in separate countries now). I was not in contact with this woman during the relationship with me ex. I would like to add that this woman mother-figure appears to be clairvoyent and has been able to predict remarkable events in my life. There is an otherwordly connection there, but I am just not sexually attracted to her anymore and I feel like I turn into a baby when I'm around her.

My sex addiction became highly problematic for me as I developed a large group of women that intensely hated me. It was depressing and I didn't want to hurt people anymore. On some level, I feel what has happened to me now is Karmic.

3. Why did I want a 'closure' conversation with my ex?

Her sudden disappearance was a huge loss of power for me and sent my mind into loops. I was obsessively analysing what could have led her to suddenly cut me off and block me. "Did she meet someone?" etc.

As I mentioned, I have since had a conversation with her where she confirmed that she doesn't want to continue the relationship and she is seeing a psychologist. Obviously, this is not good news for me (as I believe she has moved on)...but it has also calmed me somewhat.

To answer your final question "Do I want to reunite with my ex girlfriend?"

I have come to realise that my feelings on this are complicated. I want to reunite with her for validation, but I am extremely hurt that she has disappeared and stayed away from me for so long now (even with strong acknowledgement that this is her right). I feel like a reunion of this relationship will leave me in a highly insecure state where I would just be anticipating another break-up. My faith in her has been damaged, especially after an extended period of atonement whereby I felt I had strongly demonstrated traits of a reliable and supportive partner. Perhaps I am deluded, but I strongly feel that I demonstrated a significant change in my behaviour over the proceeding 2 years post cheating, and particularly in the previous 12 months where I relinquished a lot of control and supported her going out and "finding herself" with new friends and activities. She appeared to confirm this by expressing guilt for "leading me on." I believe that at some point before our break-up, my ex girlfriend decided that I wasn't what she wanted long-term, but decided to string me along until she was strong enough to leave me. This could be a result of her being unable to rebuild her trust for me after my initial cheating. I accept this as a reasonable position for her to take, but it does hurt a lot.

This leads me to JNChell's questions;

1. Did the relationship fail because of the initial broken trust?

Yes, I believe the broken trust was the ultimate downfall and my inability (and hers) to restore faith in us. She was so attached to me in the beginning, and the cheating was such a shock to her, that it took her a long time to develop the strength and courage to leave me. What complicated it further was that she could see I was making a genuine effort and that I loved her.

2. Was her high libido an effort to please me and prevent me from cheating?

No, her libido was at its highest in the initial 5 months of the relationship, prior to the cheating. The dynamic over these 5 months was her trying to "win me over" and constantly professing her love for me. I did not verbalise my love for her over this 5 month period, which seem to have an extremely strong effect on her desire to chase me further. Her emotions appeared to flourish in an environment where she was expressing love and desire, and I wasn't. Is this a BPD trait?

Her libido remained high post-cheating, but it waxed and waned from time to time.

JNChell and Gemforeyes, I hope this clarifies some things that may have been missing in my initial post.

My emotional state now is more under control, but I am still extremely sad. There is a large part of me that hopes she will try to reconnect with me (I have been in complete No Contact with her since buzzing her apartment a week ago).

This hope that I hold is continually crushed by the reality of my situation now, which is that the woman I love has disappeared for nearly a month now, has blocked me everywhere and hasn't shown a single sign of wanting to reconcile.

I am now at a point where I am beginning to consider that my future will not have her as a part of it, and it is extremely saddening. It is punctuated by the fact that I may not be able to take her back because of the extreme hit I have taken to my own faith in the relationship. I am worried that I am only hoping that she reconnects for my own sense of validation, when deep down I know that she is not the women that can give me the love and connection that I am seeking. She has abandoned me.

It hurts even more to realise that at one point I was her whole world, and that I am the sole reason for its destruction. The tragedy for me is I took her for granted, and by the time I realised what an incredible and unique person she is, it was too late.

[JNChell]

You hope that she will reconnect. Do you see a justified reason for her to do this? Ultimately, what has changed about both of your personalities that would lead to a successful relationship between the two of you?

[Pan87]

JNChell, to be honest when I put my pride to one side and try to take an honest view of this situation, I am able to see that these past 2 years were a very slow and painful process of letting go, for my ex.

To answer your question - I don't see her justifiably coming back to me.

I think my pride had fooled me into thinking that I had managed to get her to fall in love with me after I was caught cheating, and I wasn't able to face the consequences of my decision to cheat and the resulting destruction. I realise now that I had mistook her insecurity for love, and her fear of being alone did not necessarily mean that she wanted to be with me. She stayed with me for fear of what was on the otherside.

I slip into these seemingly honest states of mind from time to time, and I find it unbearably painful. What inevitably happens is I then go back into a denial state and convince myself that if I'm patient and remain in No Contact then she will try to reconnect with me soon. This is dishonest and doesn't seem logical when I'm in the state of mind I'm in now.

When I'm in the state of mind that I'm in now, it makes more sense that she is gone and I'll never hear from her again.

[JNChell]

Could you be mistaking pride for ego?

I slip into these seemingly honest states of mind from time to time, and I find it unbearably painful.

Well, these are the places that we have to go. You go to the edge of something and retract from what you see. What is at the edge? What are you suppressing?

I then go back into a denial state

Denial of what? I hear you, but in order for this conversation to move forward, we have to hear you back.

I suppressed for a very long time and it finally exploded. It’s best to face it, if you’re ready. Looking forward to hearing back from you.

[Pan87]

Thanks JNChell.

I see pride and ego as linked in this way. My pride/ego prevents me from accepting that the person I love has fallen out of love with me.

My Denial tries to prevent me from accepting the Loss and moving through the stages of grief.

[JNChell]

Pride and ego aren’t the same thing. Perhaps they can both play a part in what you’re describing, but they are very different characteristics of the personality.

What is it that can’t let you accept that she has fallen out of love with you?

Denial is a part of the grieving process. If you feel stuck in denial, it’s best to accept your feelings and work through them. I was stuck in the anger stage for a long time. The push/pull relationship with your mom might have a lot to do with things. Would you like to talk about that more?

What are you hoping to accomplish?

[stressftw]

Besides some things like cheating i saw ALOT of similarities with your story, but mine, left me for good after she idealized another guy from the "new friends" she started making
it was like i was reading my own story when i was reading the beggining of yours, its insane the idealization stage hook us, she also had no friends, hate her mom, and her father died when she was a kid, she was utterly depressed and i helped her alot, she basically used me as a ladder then dumped me after 2 years when she idealized a downgrade and said that she couldnt take him of her mind and when this happens she have to "adquire" the person.
im so sorry what are into a so stressful stage, mine broke up 4 weeks ago and i did alot of wrong things post breakup (i tried to poison her replacement against her logging into her facebook) and she hates more than anything and even threat me to report me to the police for virtual crime. in 2 days it will be my birthdate and our relationship birthdate, and shes flirting with her replacement atm.

try to be near your friends, family and do any activity, there is no secret, i think only time will help us heal

[Pan87]

So...

Last night at 11pm, I got a call from a "No ID" phone number.

I picked up and I said "Hello." There was silence at the other end of the line. I hung up after a few seconds.

For some reason, I know it was her. Maybe I'm crazy, but intuitively I just feel like it was her.

I can't remember the last time I got a call from a "No ID" number, so I guess this stood out to me an unusual.

It has been close to 2 weeks now since I went to her apartment and spoke with her through the intercom, and just over a month since we broke up.

Stressfw, I'm glad I was able to write a relatable story for you. It seems we are on a similar timeline with our break-ups. I can say that being in No Contact has helped me a lot. It has forced me to focus on other things, and the pain is less and less as time moves forward. Of course, some days I regress and feel very sad.

JNChell, thanks for your thoughtful responses. At this point, I suppose I struggle to accept that, when I atoned in the final year of our relationship, she still decided to walk away. She saw the real me, and I am a person who doesn't often show who I really am to people. It hurts to be rejected by someone who knows who I really am.

At this point I hope to accomplish peace of mind - with or without her in my life.

[JNChell]

What do you think that she saw as far as seeing you? What did you show her?

[Pan87]

JNChell - I showed her my soft, vulnerable and anxious side. Also, my caring supportive and protective side.

Of course, bigger picture, I know these personality traits are generally very unattractive for women, who seem to respond to large doses of aloofness. But, because I'd been so cold and guarded from the beginning of the relationship, I thought that perhaps showing weakness, humanity and kindness would balance this out.

What it actually led to was her feeling sorry for me, and taking pity on me.

I've come to realise that she had fallen in love with the guarded and cold me, and fallen out of love with the "real" me that was lurking underneath.

[JNChell]

Is it possible that you showed her that you were unfaithful? How does that show her a soft, vulnerable and anxious side?

What about her feelings?

[Pan87]

JNChell - Post-cheating, there was a solid 12 months of supportive behaviour from me.

If cheating is unforgivable then fine, but why hang around for so long?

[JNChell]

That’s a good question. I hung on to my son’s mom for far too long. It caused me a lot of damage, but at the end of the day, it was on me to stay in a situation because I loved someone.

Why hang around? I can’t speak about that because she’s not here to speak for herself. But come on, man. What I’m seeing is you taking no responsibility for your actions. You deflect.

Why should she stay with you?

[Pan87]

JNChell, we love those who love us.

She knows I love her. She said so in our final moments. She saw my redemption and atonement. It wasn't enough and she walked away. She was already walking away before I gave her the little push she needed.

For Love to survive and flourish, it must be reciprocated or it withers away.

She just didn't love me anymore, and at some point I had to face it. It explains why I exploded in anger when she packed up her stuff and started to leave. My subconscious knew what my conscious couldn't face. I was angry at my self for flogging the metaphorical "dead horse" for about a year longer than I should have.

[Pan87]

JNChell, I can understand you held on because a child was involved. It was be hard to leave a situation where you had created a new life with someone.

If I had a child with my ex, I'd probably try a little harder to salvage things, but I also think she would have found it much more difficult to leave me if we had a baby together.

Our separation was actually very easy from a logistical point of view. We didn't even need to meet up to exchange our stuff. She had left a few small things in my apartment, traces that she even existed in my life - a few items of clothing, a hair clip, a few small ornamental things. I've thrown it all away.

[JNChell]

What did it look like when you exploded at her when it was finally ending? How did you feel in that moment? Was it easy to throw the last few remnants of her away?

I remember S5’s mom refusing to remove her items from the house during a break up. She would come through at her leisure and pick out what she wanted, leave our son, and go. It became quite maddening, among other things. We actually got back together after that slice of time. It just ended up being more of the same until it finally came to a head.

You know, we can operate just fine in day to day life when we’re not triggered by things. My ex triggered me in profound ways. I’m glad to still be here. Do you feel like your ex triggered something profound inside of you?

[Pan87]

JNChell, The break-up didn't hit my until nearly a week later, when I discovered I was blocked everywhere. Then I went through a further 2 weeks of intense despair and desperation in seeking answers.

Prior to this, I was sure she would return to me.

In that moment of anger, during the final moment of the break up, I thought I was  making a firm display that I wasn't happy with the direction the relationship was heading.

I felt sure that she would respond by coming back to me, apologetic, after a few days.

She has triggered self-improvement and deep reflection. I'm a better person for it now. I truly wasn't happy with myself in those final months of the relationship.

Prior to this, she triggered insecurity and anxiety in me. I began to see myself as hopeless. She wasn't good for me, and she said as much. She said something along the lines of "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you, like you've been there for me" in one of our final conversations. She knew.

[JNChell]

Hey, Pan . Thanks for sharing this.

The break-up didn't hit my until nearly a week later, when I discovered I was blocked everywhere. Then I went through a further 2 weeks of intense despair and desperation in seeking answers.

Prior to this, I was sure she would return to me.

Did this cause a bit of panic? I understand that these relationships have certain patterns. I lost count of how many times S5’s mom broke up with me and ran off. But, she always came back, until she didn’t anymore. Did you feel abandoned in a sense?

Prior to this, she triggered insecurity and anxiety in me. I began to see myself as hopeless

This is no place to be, at least not for long. It’s impossible to our best while trying to field those things. Those things can lead to worse things like isolating and losing our grip on our reality. I think you know that though.

She knew.

Sounds like you do as well. Do you feel like you have the closure that would help you resolve everything for yourself?

[Pan87]

Thanks JNChell.

I seem to have reached a point where I accept that she can clearly survive without me for over a month. Under these COVID lockdown laws, especially, I think that's pretty telling really. If one month is easy for her, then it will turn into 2 months, 3 months etc etc

I just don't have any information on what she's doing now. When I spoke to her 2 weeks ago, in hindsight, it seemed like she'd had a chemical lobotomy.

She has discussed going on medication in the past, so I think it's possible that she's gone down this road.

The only closure I seek, from an ego point of view, is for her to reach out to me at some point. The (seeming) abruptness of her disappearance, after several days of her chasing me and threatening suicide, just doesn't seem normal.

From what I've read, going No Contact sometimes has this result (the ex partner reaches out) and I've been in complete NC/Radio Silence for just over 2 weeks now. Apparently No Contact takes effect between 45 and 60 days, but to be perfectly honest, I likely wouldn't get back with her at this point. It's all ego now, and even that's starting to wear off too.

Yes, to answer your question, I do feel abandoned.

However, I've also realised that it takes 2 people for a relationship to fail. I've owned my mistakes, and in hindsight they weren't really terrible mistakes anyway. The cheating occurred at a time when our relationship was ill-defined. She decided to string me along for 2 years because she was too scared, apparently, to face life alone. In that time, she led me to believe that I was making progress in rebuilding her trust.

I have made mistakes and I admit to them fully, but she has gone about all of this in an emotionally cowardly way and I've lost a lot of respect for her. I'm actually a bit annoyed that this has effected me so much. I'm anticipating looking back on this experience at some point in the future and realising that I probably dodged a bullet by wasting anymore time with this person.

Finally, during the break-up she also made it clear that "her friends said I shouldn't talk to you anymore", which I responded with "it's probably for the best" and she immediately broke down and said "but I miss you." I then responded by saying that "You chose this." I then hung up on her. This was one of the last conversations I had with her on the phone.

I still find the "my friends told me to do it" rather pathetic. Can't she think for herself? These are new friends, mind you.

With more space and time I'm beginning to realise that perhaps I wasn't the only toxic element in this relationship. I've shouldered too much responsibility for the failure of this relationship.

I lost my temper with her, and that was wrong in some ways. But in other ways I'm glad I did because it forced her to take the steps that she was already planning to take. One of the last emotions she expressed to me, before her chemical lobotomy, was Guilt. There was unmistakable Guilt in the way she apologised for leading me on, and feeling "sorry for me" etc. There was also a bit of gloating, which I suspect was part of a long term revenge strategy she had subconsciously formulated to punish "daddy".

[blue6314]

Pan, I can understand your pain. I am in a similar situation, in that I cheated on my BPD gf. I am (obviously) not a psychologist, but in my opinion, once you cheat they split you off in your mind and there is no redemption. My gf, I later discovered, revenge cheated on me pretty badly. My gf also exacted revenge upon me when I was following up with her after the breakup to make sure she was okay - she disclosed to me after we broke up that she has severe bulimia. She has gone no contact and also wrote nasty things to me. For instance, we had an age difference that I would mention to her when we were together, and she would get upset about me even mentioning it. Then in her email to me recently, she called me a saggy old man. LOL. I think that the nasty reaction, which you have experienced as well, is an expression of anger that can sometimes cover shame. My gf felt shame when I discovered that she cheated with a real nasty (in both looks and personality) guy.

It is hard to move on from these people. I have come to think that it is the way they make us feel. Just even the special smiles they would give. There is nothing special about my ex-gf - she is very dysfunctional. She was also very selfish and manipulative. The lies are too numerous to count. You are better off moving forward, but it is hard.

By the way, my gf started living with someone a month after our split. While she was upset at me for cheating, I believe that she was cheating on him and on me, and perhaps others were in the mix. I hear that it is normal for BPDs to move on very quickly. Don't be surprised if your ex is with someone else, especially as it seems from what you say that she is attractive. Don't take it personally either.

I think it takes strong people to survive cheating. But BPDs, while perhaps strong in some ways, are not strong in that way. My experience was a wakeup call to me about why cheating is not the answer. Usually, in fact, it is emotionally motivated. With your player history, maybe this is an experience you can use to make improvements. I do commend you for your feelings for this woman, however. It always hurts when someone goes no contact on you. It seems to be a hallmark of pwBPD, though not mentioned in the DSM (unless it qualifies as an unstable relationship).

[daze507]

I hear that it is normal for BPDs to move on very quickly. Don't be surprised if your ex is with someone else, especially as it seems from what you say that she is attractive. Don't take it personally either.

If fact it is never personal, it is something we have to never forget. They don't do that to hurt us, it's the way they survive, they need someone at all cost.

[blue6314]

My gf was more of a quiet BPD, I think, and avoidant. She was more BPD in that she engaged in harmful behaviors and could not tolerate stress, as opposed to needing to be lovey-dovey. I don't think she needed emotionally to move in with another guy, but rather it was economical. She is uneducated and works as a waitress, but not full-time. I believe she needed to do so out of economic necessity.

I think the thing to remember is that as bad as they may treat us, they also treat themselves badly. My gf has a lot of self-destructive behavior: bulimia, cutting, being a sugar baby, lack of career and switching jobs, no close friendships, intense shame (when we had arguments, she would defend her position strongly, but later when alone, would experience intense shame like she was very bad). 

[Pan87]

Thanks Blue and Daze. Regarding our ex-girlfriends being with other guys - As far as I'm concerned, in my case, we have broken up. She is perfectly right in exploring other people now.

In fact it was me that immediately sort comfort with other women, after she left me. I felt like crap though so I stopped doing it, realising that I needed to process what has happened and heal.

I didn't want to fall back into my old patterns of casual sex, but I did momentarily.

I neglected to mention that when we broke up a month ago, I almost immediately rebounded with 2 different women. 1 night stands. I may as well be honest about it. This was in the first week of the break-up, when I was still expecting her to come back. This was my own act of revenge and done to regain a sense of control.

It was opportunistic of me. I didn't feel bad about it at the time. When I realised I had been blocked everywhere a few days later then I suddenly lost all desire to see anyone, and instead have focused on healing myself.

I do intend to "get back on the horse" so to speak. That day will come sooner rather than later.

[blue6314]

Pan - I am just curious. How did you manage to have sex with 500 women in such a short period of time? Escorts or massage parlors? Or were you out at bars every night hitting on every girl in sight?

[Pan87]

Blue - entirely through dating apps such as Tinder, Okcupid, Skout and Bumble.

I don't advocate the lifestyle. I had lost a large part of my soul, and wasted huge amounts of time doing this. It is very similar to a drug addiction. It was my only hobby and all of my friendships and the relationship with my family entirely crumbled during this time.

[JNChell]

Hey, Pan. I lost my s**t with S5’s mom more than I’d like to admit. But I did. It is what it is. It’s like I couldn’t successfully land her in the here and now to have a successful conversation that ended in a hug and a kiss. It always ended up in a rage. Looking at it from a higher altitude has allowed me to see that this is where my self isolation started. I was focusing on what was hurting me and trying to fix it. I let myself go to the wayside. Trouble followed.

I’m a little confused by what you seek as far as closure goes. You mentioned that it’s ego driven. I believe that you are concerned about her well being, but it also has remnants of a self serving end. Are you hoping for contact, in a sense, that will validate your feelings? Or do you truly care about this girl and are concerned about her well being?

Feeling abandoned is heart wrenching. I understand because I struggle with this as well. I was given up by my bio mom. The people that adopted me were sick and abusive. I understand abandonment. Where did those fears start for you? Do they become intense?

she has gone about all of this in an emotionally cowardly way and I've lost a lot of respect for her.

If she has BPD, or the myriad of diagnosis’ that are attributed to trauma, she most likely did the best thing she knew how to do. She’s not a coward, she only knows so much. Know what I mean? BPD’s live in fear. They’re arrested in their development. They can be beautiful and successful people, but behind closed doors they melt. They can be CEO’s, but there will always be a part of the brain that remembers the trauma.

The friends saying that she shouldn’t talk to you anymore is defense. Who knows if she even had that conversation with them. Learn about and understand the condition.