LGBTQ

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am LGBT and my mom is BPD and traditional. I know it can be hard to come out in general and many people don't agree or accept it. That's fine with me; however, what do you do when not only does your parent not agree, they also are bpd? My girlfriend does not understand why I am not ready even at 28 years old. I'm not afraid to tell the rest of my family (The only reason I haven't is in case she found out) or even of rejection or anything. I am afraid of the emotional trauma that will occur upon telling her something major that she completely despises. She is the type that rages and interrogates until you give her what you want, which is usually what she wants to hear.

1) Does anyone think there is a way to come out in the next couple of years? ( I am still working on being more honest about other more minor parts of my life, as I've developed a defense mechanism of just not telling her anything personal. So far, the only thing that has worked for my own peace and mental safety is hiding things, "Triggers.")

2) and if anyone has any insight on talking to a partner about it. Straight or not, it is hard to explain to someone you are in a romantic relationship with who doesn't have any experience with this. How do I tell my girlfriend that there are certain things that I have to do or say at certain times because of this ? It is so hard. And how do I let her know that I'm not ashamed of us, I'm honestly in fear of the wrath of my own mother, that's it.

I think its hard to relate this to much. This is one of the only disorders I've read about that really can have adult children living in fear of their parents. It's outrageous. I'm reading a lot of self-help and attending therapy to heal from this. It has destroyed my life in many ways and I am so ready to take my life back! (and I even say this with love and respect to my mom but I can't have her controlling my life anymore)

just thought I would vent and if anyone has anything to add or any advice I would appreciate it.

[Josie2020]

I am LGBT and my mom is BPD and traditional. I know it can be hard to come out in general and many people don't agree or accept it. That's fine with me; however, what do you do when not only does your parent not agree, they also are bpd? My girlfriend does not understand why I am not ready even at 28 years old. I'm not afraid to tell the rest of my family (The only reason I haven't is in case she found out) or even of rejection or anything. I am afraid of the emotional trauma that will occur upon telling her something major that she completely despises. She is the type that rages and interrogates until you give her what you want, which is usually what she wants to hear.

1) Does anyone think there is a way to come out in the next couple of years? ( I am still working on being more honest about other more minor parts of my life, as I've developed a defense mechanism of just not telling her anything personal. So far, the only thing that has worked for my own peace and mental safety is hiding things, "Triggers.")

2) and if anyone has any insight on talking to a partner about it. Straight or not, it is hard to explain to someone you are in a romantic relationship with who doesn't have any experience with this. How do I tell my girlfriend that there are certain things that I have to do or say at certain times because of this ? It is so hard. And how do I let her know that I'm not ashamed of us, I'm honestly in fear of the wrath of my own mother, that's it.

I think its hard to relate this to much. This is one of the only disorders I've read about that really can have adult children living in fear of their parents. It's outrageous. I'm reading a lot of self-help and attending therapy to heal from this. It has destroyed my life in many ways and I am so ready to take my life back! (and I even say this with love and respect to my mom but I can't have her controlling my life anymore)

just thought I would vent and if anyone has anything to add or any advice I would appreciate it.

[zachira]

You are not alone in trying to figure out whether to come out to a mother with BPD which is more challenging when you have a girlfriend who wants you to be out to your mother and does not understand BPD. I was raised by a mother with BPD who passed away last summer. I think you are talking about two challenges here: 1) Other people do not experience your mother the way you do, and cannot understand how unsettling it is to have a mother who does not see you as an independent person from her and is likely incapable of responding in mature ways to telling her you are LBGT. 2) Most people in the LBGT community come out over a period of time, starting with the people they feel safest with first. At some point, a decision is often made whether to be fully out or to limit with some people and in certain circumstances disclosing being part of the LBGT community. I think your instincts are right on target knowing who it is safe to come out to, and feeling fine about being out to the rest of your family. You are on the right path to figuring this out by learning more about BPD and participating in therapy.  

[Josie2020]

Thank you zachira! I'm glad someone sees where I'm coming from. Sometimes it can feel like I'm all alone in this struggle.  I appreciate it!

[Notwendy]

My take on this is your safety comes first and that includes your emotional safety. I can understand how your girlfriend doesn't want to hide your relationship. That's tough to do too. She wants to be recognized and have your relationship recognized. But for that to happen, your mother needs to be emotionally capable of being the person your GF wants her to be.

She's not that person, and you know it.

Honestly, your personal life is none of your mother's business. I don't share a lot of my own personal business with my mother, because she doesn't respect boundaries and isn't a "safe" person to confide in.

I'd be honest with your GF about your mother. Tell her she has a mental illness and she isn't capable of being emotionally supportive to others, that it is best to keep her at an emotional distance and not share personal and meaningful things with her- and what is more personal than a relationship?

Include your GF in your learning about BPD. Let her read these posts. It's hard to understand when you don't have a BPD parent. Those of us here- we get it.  Take care of yourself, you have the right to protect yourself and people who are important to you from your mother's emotional abuse and drama.

[Methuen]

Hi Josie

You raise a really good question.  Most of us struggle enough just with all that comes with having a BPD parent, but the LGBTQ layer on top of that is a whole other layer of stress.  You have come to a good place.  You will find support here.  

defense mechanism of just not telling her anything personal

I personally wouldn't call this a "defense" mechanism just because (i) I think your choice not to share personal information is a healthy one, and is something we recommend to newbies who are struggling with boundaries with their parent and (ii) sometimes the term "defense mechanism" can have a negative connotation, and I don't think there is anything negative about you not sharing personal info with your BPD mom.  

So far, the only thing that has worked for my own peace and mental safety is hiding things,

I would encourage you to reframe your thinking here.  You aren't "hiding" things Josie.  You are managing personal boundaries to keep you feeling safe.  That is both your right, and a duty to self-care.  We all have a right to feel safe.  You are no different, right?  

Where does this idea of "hiding" originate for you?  Think a little bit deeper about this.

Would your mother think of it as "hiding"?   If the answer to that is yes (and only if), are you your mother?  I doubt it!  So you don't have to think her thoughts, right?  You get to think your own thoughts.  So I would encourage you to reframe that thought (hiding), and instead think of it as keeping healthy boundaries to protect yourself from her unhelpful/hurtful responses.  You have nothing to hide from people you trust.  People you are not sure about, or who you don't trust, are the people you get to set your own boundaries with.  Boundaries are healthy.  They keep us safe.  That is why property lines exist, and why we have painted lines on the road.  Personal boundaries are no different.

And how do I let her know that I'm not ashamed of us, I'm honestly in fear of the wrath of my own mother, that's it.

Honestly, unless your gf has personal experience with a pwBPD or some other mental health disorder, or some trauma, she may not "get it".  My best friend doesn't "get it".  My friend just keeps wishing for a miracle that somehow my mom and I can find a way to have the relationship she has with her mom.  AA works because members share a particular experience.  It's the same on this forum.  We can understand and support each other because we share a similar challenge with a pwBPD.  If your gf doesn't have that shared experience, as much as she wants to try to support and empathize you, it's possible you find her (gf) needs invalidating with respect to "coming out" with your mom, simply because she may not be able to understand the problem the same way you can.  That may change over time.  So I don't really have a good answer to your question in the above quote.  I suspect that nothing you "say" will make the difference.  She is going to need "time" to get to know your mother, and "see" and "feel" the problem.  I think you can stick with pure honesty, and keep the words in your quote.  Maybe put it into an "I statement"?  Eg.  I feel unsafe talking about some personal things around my mom.  I have a complicated relationship with my mom because she's a very complicated person.  I want you to know that I am happy and proud of us, but I can't tell my mom that, because she could ______ (become abusive), and I would feel very unsafe.  I hope you are OK with that.  

Is this a long-standing stable relationship with your gf based on mature mutual respect?  Intimate relationships are about sharing ourselves with another person - together they make us stronger.  So share the info you feel you need about your BPD mother, but maybe not too much too quickly.  I think it is easier for a "non" to absorb it if it comes in layers, as they can process it.  If it's a "young" relationship and you are still getting to know one another, I would let the relationship grow and mature before you share info about a BPD mom which could one day boomerang back at you in a worse case scenario.

I think you are wise to pick/choose who you come out to, and when.  Safety first.

[Josie2020]

Thank you so much. Yeah, I like your "I" statement idea. My girlfriend knows about it, we have been together for about six months. She does try to understand, but I don't think she can comprehend just how bad the emotional abuse can possibly get if she does get angry. It's true, though I really am trying to be safe. exactly

[sklamath]

I hope you don't mind me jumping in a little late to this thread, and you've received great advice already, but I thought I would share my own experience with coming out to my BPD mom. Had I recognized my mother's BPD traits, or what that meant, when I came out to her as bi, I'm pretty sure I would not have chosen to come out then, and maybe not ever. It doesn't really do any good to think of it as a regret, per se, but her reaction--and even more, my reaction to her reaction--definitely set me back in my own growth and self-acceptance. The following months (my first year of college) were extremely traumatic. I ended up spending more energy trying to soothe my BPD mother's feelings than on having a fulfilling first year of college; it took a huge toll on my mental and physical health. I didn't doubt my orientation, but I ultimately went back into the closet around my immediate family, and we never talked about it again.

For nearly 20 years, I felt responsible for causing the poor dynamic between my mom and I by coming out. It wasn't until the last couple years (and therapy, and this board) that I realized it was inevitable. If it hadn't been my sexual orientation, I believe it would have been something else. What I have learned is that my mother has a habit of not treating most information I share with her with respect; therefore, I do not share much information with her. I no longer think of this as "hiding things" from her; I think of it as good boundaries.

Coming out is a choice. Choosing not to come out to someone who is mentally ill, or has given every indication that they will become abusive is not weak or dishonest on your part. In the case of a BPD parent, it is a matter of where you want to set your boundaries.

If you do feel like you want to come out, it should be for you--not to placate your partner. Some questions I would ask my younger self before coming out might be: What would you hope to gain by being out to your BPD/emotionally unreliable mom? What might you lose? Would being willing to risk disappointing and even losing your parent as an act of growth for you? What is your plan to care for yourself if things don't go well?

[Notwendy]

For nearly 20 years, I felt responsible for causing the poor dynamic between my mom and I by coming out. It wasn't until the last couple years (and therapy, and this board) that I realized it was inevitable. If it hadn't been my sexual orientation, I believe it would have been something else. What I have learned is that my mother has a habit of not treating most information I share with her with respect; therefore, I do not share much information with her. I no longer think of this as "hiding things" from her; I think of it as good boundaries.

THIS!

I'm a bit older than you, but I have experienced how my BPD mother responds to situations like this. Pw BPD have difficulty managing their own feelings, and tend to project them on others, and it's like a moving target. If it isn't coming out, then there's something else to see as the "cause" of whatever discomfort they may be feeling.

My mother also doesn't respect personal information. I also keep an emotional boundary with her and advised my kids to do that as well. Whatever anyone's sexual orientation is- that is personal and emotional information.

For many years, I too, felt responsible for the difficult relationship I have with my mother. She blamed me as well. As kids, we believe our parents. I thought I must have done something to cause it. We are human- at some point we make an error or disappoint our parents in some way- by being different than who they expected us to be. I'm straight, but there have been plenty of other situations that my mother has chosen to be upset with me.

Emotionally stable parents understand that their children are separate individuals. Parents with PD's see their children as extensions of themselves, so if we don't meet their expectations they see it as being done to them.

I also agree to not come out just because your GF wants you to. Your sexuality is personal to you. It's your choice to decide who to discuss it with.

[Josie2020]

I so appreciate your replies. And I want to have kids too. I know I will probably end up adopting because of my sexual orientation. I am 27 and I honestly see myself adopting within the next 5 - 8 years. I want my kids to be able to have a grandmother but I also don't want my kids to be traumatized, scared, or excessively anxious about any person. I want happy kids and I realize I will have to limit their time with her which is very sad.

[Josie2020]

and yes, that really is true. I've dated men before and she hated all of them, she's had fights with a couple of them. She's also either come between or put a lot of pressure on me to give up platonic female friends of mine and even family members. That has been the worst part. It could have been anything, it just so happens that im gay. It would have been the wrong guy if I was straight im sure.