I am clearly codependent and was very insecure towards the end of our relationship.
you know, ive been in a similar place, in lots of my relationships. you love a difficult woman.
psychologically speaking, shed probably be inclined to chase a guy that wasnt having it with her relationship with the ex.
realistically speaking, thats not the hand youve been dealt, and you dont want to be in a position where giving up on her and walking away is a means to try to attract her.
i think that shes testing you in some ways. thats not to say shes doing so in a sort of conscious, matter of fact way.
she would just cut contact for max 5 days and would come back telling me how amazing I was and that I would be better off without her (which always ended up with me telling her that she was worth so much more than what she thought of herself and that she could be happy!).
its a really telling thing when a woman tells you youre the greatest guy shes ever met, but youd be better off without her.
shes telling you that she likes you, but "you arent cut out for this". and on some level shes telling you she doesnt want to do what she does to you, but cant help herself.
your insecurity stems from trying to rise to the challenge, prove your love, be enough for her, and be accepted. but the person you love is inherently fickle. youre either the best or the worst. youre chasing something that is inherently inconsistent, and you feel it really hard, either way.
this is from our article on what it takes to be in a relationship with someone with bpd
Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it. A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline. If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.
https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationshipi encourage you to read the entire thing. because the point is really not about caring less, or drawing overly hard, tough lines.
im of the opinion that to make it work with someone with BPD, you have to actually be willing to say ive had enough and walk away. you have to have your limits. they have to be communicated - your partner has to know them, and know that you will follow through. if you move the goal posts, a difficult person will follow your lead.
shes telling you, i think, that she knows she can do that. and that is scary to her, because, as the article talks about, she needs you to lead.
but rather than taking this as a challenge you must overcome, really take it all in and consider whether thats the path you want to go down, and whether it is feasible.
to make this work, you are going to have to find that inner strength, and rely on it consistently. that means far more than putting on a face of tough love or using tactics to win her back. it really means more of an entire lifestyle shift, a radical new attitude, with skills and tools in your tool belt. and loving someone with bpd means knowing even that isnt a guarantee.
