Listening hear

[Willer]

Hi everyone,

I guess I am feeling at the end of my tether and feel like sharing my experience and reading other people's story who might be going through a similar situation might help me.

I have been in an on/off relation with my now ex girlfriend for a year. She hasn't been diagnosed but everytime I read about BPD I feel like they are describing her!
Everything was perfect at the beginning, the most wonderful, deep, beautiful connection I have ever had. She told me all about her life who has been traumatic and told me daily that I was the best thing that has ever happened to her, that I was a soulmate etc When we met she was in a very unhealthy relationship with her ex, she painted her as being a horrible person who abused her and sucked all life out of her. We got together for while and then she went back with her ex who apparently threatened to kill herself. This cycle has been going on for 1 year now... She says she feels guilty, that her ex cannot cope without her and knows how to get to her...
She has now completely changed, she is highly sensitive to what everyone around her does and say, everyone is stupid, two faced, she is angry all the time and it gets worse and worse.
We work together to make the situation worse. It hurts me to see her that distressed so I try to talk it through with her but any of my attempts end up with her denying everything, stating that she feels perfectly fine and that I don't undertsand her anymore. She seems to be going deeper and deeper into that hole and nothing gets through to her anymore.
I feel totally broken. I know I should let her go but the thought of it is unbearable. I started antidepressants as I really could not cope any more. I just don't know what to do anymore.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Willer, and

what a difficult place to be in this must be. im glad you have reached out for support. you have found it.

there are a lot of moving parts, and this will take some work and support, but things can get better.

when you say shes back with the ex, is she in a relationship with both of you? are the two of you together?

[Willer]

Hi Once Removed, thank you so much for your reply and your warm welcome.

We aren't together anymore since late january. Up until the end of March she was telling me that she needed to get out of that hole (how she calls it when she pulls back) but that I meant the world to her and that I just needed to relax. She wasn't contacting me much and was pretty cold and distant.This approach was very different compared to the 2 previous recycles where she would just cut contact for max 5 days and would come back telling me how amazing I was and that I would be better off without her (which always ended up with me telling her that she was worth so much more than what she thought of herself and that she could be happy!).
Since then I struggled to deal with the whole situation as she's never acted like that before and for so long. I lost all my confidence, became very depressed and distressed. People could all see at work that I was sad and not myself at all but I never talked about her to anybody at work (though they all know we were together at some point). She has now changed completely, she accused me of flirting with another guy at work which obviously I wasn't! And totally lost it. She kept asking for my attention and followed me everywhere I went but at the same time she was telling me that we would never be together again. She phoned me once telling me that she was convinced that I would kill myself because of her and that I was horrible for putting that pressure on her! It was absolutely mental!
Then last week was the last straw when she was showing me a video on her phone and a message from her ex came up with a love heart next to her name. She's always been very weird with the ways she contacted me, it was snapchat if we weren't together but messages if we were. So I knew when I saw that message that they were back together. I stormed out of the staff room, she later came and asked me if I was done being moody, I asked her if they were back together and all i got was "Oh my god get a grip".
She has now become that "monster" deprived of any care, compassion or empathy for me. She acts as if she hates me, won't talk to me at all and keeps making nasty comments about everything i do or say.
She has now become best pals with everyone at work, when she used to tell me how horrible and two faced they all were! We had a last conversation where she was absolutely horrible to me, telling that i needed to get a grip, that we were together a year ago (we were still talking marriage in february...), that everyone had crap going on with their lives and that I was being ridiculous, that everyone at work could see that I was sad and that it was because of her.

I took my annual leave early and i'm off work for 2 weeks but dreading going back. I am now blocked from every social platform and really struggling.

I know I have my part in this story, I am clearly codependent and was very insecure towards the end of our relationship. We both clearly triggered each other. I am doing everything I can to move on but there is still a part of me that hopes... I just don't really know what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading. W

[once removed]

I am clearly codependent and was very insecure towards the end of our relationship.

you know, ive been in a similar place, in lots of my relationships. you love a difficult woman.

psychologically speaking, shed probably be inclined to chase a guy that wasnt having it with her relationship with the ex.

realistically speaking, thats not the hand youve been dealt, and you dont want to be in a position where giving up on her and walking away is a means to try to attract her.

i think that shes testing you in some ways. thats not to say shes doing so in a sort of conscious, matter of fact way.

she would just cut contact for max 5 days and would come back telling me how amazing I was and that I would be better off without her (which always ended up with me telling her that she was worth so much more than what she thought of herself and that she could be happy!).

its a really telling thing when a woman tells you youre the greatest guy shes ever met, but youd be better off without her.

shes telling you that she likes you, but "you arent cut out for this". and on some level shes telling you she doesnt want to do what she does to you, but cant help herself.

your insecurity stems from trying to rise to the challenge, prove your love, be enough for her, and be accepted. but the person you love is inherently fickle. youre either the best or the worst. youre chasing something that is inherently inconsistent, and you feel it really hard, either way.

this is from our article on what it takes to be in a relationship with someone with bpd

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

i encourage you to read the entire thing. because the point is really not about caring less, or drawing overly hard, tough lines.

im of the opinion that to make it work with someone with BPD, you have to actually be willing to say ive had enough and walk away. you have to have your limits. they have to be communicated - your partner has to know them, and know that you will follow through. if you move the goal posts, a difficult person will follow your lead.

shes telling you, i think, that she knows she can do that. and that is scary to her, because, as the article talks about, she needs you to lead.

but rather than taking this as a challenge you must overcome, really take it all in and consider whether thats the path you want to go down, and whether it is feasible.

to make this work, you are going to have to find that inner strength, and rely on it consistently. that means far more than putting on a face of tough love or using tactics to win her back. it really means more of an entire lifestyle shift, a radical new attitude, with skills and tools in your tool belt. and loving someone with bpd means knowing even that isnt a guarantee.