Guidence how to react to a spouse with BPD

[jstrade]

I need Guidance how to react when getting Blamed accused etc.

As well how to react when my spouse the BPD just gets down and depressed ?

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[once removed]

hi jstrade, and

I need Guidance how to react when getting Blamed accused etc.

a good starting point is learning to not JADE (justify, accuse, defend, explain).

what are you being blamed and accused of?

[jstrade]

Hi

Thanks for your replay, that's a good hint to remember not to JADE, in other words just to ignore, swallow the pain and go, not an easy task.

I'm being blamed for almost anything going wrong in the house, from a spilled glass of water to any little extra money spent, or for any supplies not refilled, and for any child misbehaves, and whenever my wife is a little overworked with her chores in the house (which she chose herself to, she likes to over cook every thing herself, and over clean, and doesn't allow any outside help) I'm being blamed of not helping her and not doing my part etc. etc.

[ImmaNon]

I always simply respond with, "You may be right."  I try my best not to react in any other way.  I'm not perfect, and sometimes I forget not to take things personally, but 95% of the time that response will deflect the anger and the raging.  If my significant other wants to continue to blame, shame, and defame, I just take my dogs for a nice long walk.  By the time I come back to the house, she's moved on to something else, or passed out (my significant other is also an alcoholic).  I would recommend you start practicing meditation techniques - that helps me remain calm in chaotic situations.

[RestlessWanderer]

Hi

Thanks for your replay, that's a good hint to remember not to JADE, in other words just to ignore, swallow the pain and go, not an easy task.

I'm being blamed for almost anything going wrong in the house, from a spilled glass of water to any little extra money spent, or for any supplies not refilled, and for any child misbehaves, and whenever my wife is a little overworked with her chores in the house (which she chose herself to, she likes to over cook every thing herself, and over clean, and doesn't allow any outside help) I'm being blamed of not helping her and not doing my part etc. etc.

I could have written this myself. I go through the same thing every day. Every one of those things happens here too.  I haven’t figured out how to reply yet. Well a reply that won’t make things worse. If I’m quiet, that’s the closest I’ve come to a response that won’t make things worse. What I don’t like is my 7YO son is believing what she says and thinks that I “don’t help momma”. I’m afraid that not standing up for myself is also teaching my son that it’s ok to talk to daddy like that and showing him what marriage should be like.
I’ll follow your post to see if there’s anything I can learn.

[ImmaNon]

"Showing him what a marriage should be like."
 
That's a tough nut to crack. My thinking on this question is this: I'm just trying to survive day-to-day with a Borderline spouse. Firmly holding my boundaries (my behavior) is going to model appropriate behavior for my kids (who are 12 & 15 now). They will see and experience appropriate conflict resolution skills as long as I am practicing consistent "detachment with love" and compassion.  ACES research has shown that kids who maintain a relationship with one stable and consistent parent have positive outcomes.  Check out https://acestoohigh.com/aces-101/