Recently dumped by partner who my therapist believes might've been pwBPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, first post here and I've been trying to decompress and understand what I went through with a failed relationship that was likely brought to a quicker end due to COVID quarantine.  I had also posted my story on Reddit's BPDLovedOnes but wanted to see what folks here might have to say.  I recently got dumped by my girlfriend of only 4 months a few weeks ago and the shock and trauma I'm experiencing is unbearable so I've started therapy to help cope with recovery. After describing my entire relationship to my therapist from the love-bombing beginning to the anxiety/anger fueled ending, she suspects that my ex might've been a pwBPD especially considering she already suffers from alot of PTSD. Of course she says she can't properly diagnose it without directly working with her, but in either case the conclusion for her is that my ex was in absolutely no condition with what she's gone through to be able to be in any romantic relationship.

So I was wondering if I could get this forum's help in seeing if perhaps I truly was a victim of a upwBPD who discarded me during quarantine? The beginning of the relationship was like how many here have encountered, meeting this insanely attractive person who immediately found a liking to you and you felt the most wonderful chemistry in the world. She would often drink a ton when we went on dates as she felt she was having an early midlife crisis since it was near her birthday and would often tell me things like that she's dated a ton of other men before and knows for sure that I was the one. Other things might include stuff like asking me why I was so perfect, or constant questioning to me of why I loved her so much, and this constant fear of if I was sure she was the one for me and if I didn't wanted to go see other women first since I admitted that didn't have many relationships before. All of that didn't seem like flags since I was obviously on cloud 9 and the love both emotionally and physically through sex was the most amazing experience I've ever had in my life. We would talk about what we wanted in a wedding and she would constantly joke with me on putting a ring on her already. Keep in mind this was all within the first month of our relationship.

After spending more time with her, she began to spill more details about her past to me and this is where some of the serious red flags popped up. While there were a ton involving sexual trauma, assault/stalking trauma, fear of abandonment from her Brother due to war, and attempted suicide by drowning, the worst and most recent incident was her dealing with a suicide of a closed loved one that she felt she was the cause of. It explained a lot of the nightmares she had, the sporadic sleeping, the forgetfulness, but it was all things I was prepared to accept and support and I made it all known to her. What I didn't realize at the time however, was that she was suffering from a return of her PTSD symptoms while she was with me the whole time and never told me about it. She kept telling me how she's been a mess since she met me and how she wants to get better for me. She told me her telling me so many secrets from her life was something that confused her since she would never do it with her previous ex-BF's or family, but her therapist told her that it might've been something she held in for too long and she was longing to let it out for a while. Being able to be that person to receive all that made me feel especially loved and special.

There were some moments where some of the stories she told me didn't make any sense to me as she wouldn't confirm them. For example, one time at a bar I left her to go to the restroom, came back and she was chatting with another attractive woman and they were commenting each other on their dress. As we left the bar after that she started freaking out how she can't believe someone recognized her from her Instagram modeling account that she had deleted. I was surprised as it was the first time I heard of it since when I met her she said she doesn't use social media anymore. She was telling me how it made her good money back when she did it and she had nearly 1M followers. Keep in mind she's already had a couple drinks by now already. A few weeks later I ask her about her old Instagram modeling days and she acts confused and says she never had one? For some reason I let this go as well as I was still blindly in love or I had accepted her admission that she just has a tendency to forget things often that aren't work related and that's been something her mind does to protect herself from previous trauma.

For several weeks later we would just go on dinner and Netflix & chills dates at my house, but she always used my place as her excuse to drink 2+ bottles of wine and self medicate with weed. Generally though, the relationship was still a tight ship and we'd still be texting affectionately and miss each other dearly through the work week. However, then came the state lockdowns and quarantine. Since she lived with her elderly, retired parents (yes, she's in her 30's and living with them by choice as they're her support system), and she was immunocompromised, there was no way I could've appropriately met up with her physically during lockdown. For the first couple weeks it was fine, texting seemed normal, we had a chance to do one Zoom chat when her parents were out, but that was pretty much all the communication we could do. She's mostly done her work remotely anyway so this was nothing new to her, but her job got extremely busy and she caught herself having panic attacks and extreme anxiety from the job. I sympathized and gave her more space so she could concentrate. However, during this period the texting became less frequent, the "miss you" and "love you"s completely disappeared from her end and she even hinted a one point that she's been thinking a lot during the pandemic lockdown that I overlooked.

Finally the day came. I asked her why she didn't care much about our 4 month anniversary one morning as she was the one who wanted to celebrate each one and she unloads the let's break up text barrage. There was a ton of back and forth but her main reasons was that she questioned herself on being so comfortable not being able to see me and that she doesn't have the "feeling" for it anymore and doesn't feel like she can get it back based on previous relationship experiences. She also told me on the deeper end that some of me, all amazing traits, sometimes reminds her of that loved one's suicide and triggers her PTSD. This was the first time she ever told me about me actually possibly being the cause, but this was her conclusion during quarantine as she said those symptoms went away as soon as we stopped seeing each other physically. The last reason was the cliche reason of she feels that she didn't know me still and that she couldn't see a future or compatibility. She told me she wasn't gonna change her decision and that if I needed it we could meet to talk about it after lockdown is lifted and we could meet somewhere. This was BS to me as she broke lockdown plenty of times to visit supermarkets and the construction site of the new home her parents were building etc. There was no reason why we couldn't have met wearing masks, but I guess to her if we can't make out then there was no point.

At this point I felt like my world was completely shattered and abandonment spiral symptoms all came rushing to me. For someone this complex I didn't know who to talk to about this breakup as I was both worried for her and trying to console myself. The only other person I could think of was her one best friend that stayed with her throughout the last traumatic event. I had never been introduced to her friend before, but my ex and I often talked about her and wanting to drive to visit her. I did have her phone number from a random screenshot my ex took of a photo/convo so I used it and reached out by text. She was sympathetic to me and what I'm going through and was super appreciative in us thinking about visiting her. Talking with her we both concluded that she probably just isn't ready for a relationship and this was nothing on me. I let that go for a day but a day after I couldn't control myself and reach out to my ex wanting to meet to talk and how much this is hurting me. She replied in a cold manner saying that this heartache is a process I'll have to go through and only time will make it better, how it wouldn't be productive to meet right now and that I'm well aware of what happened the last time she tried to break up with someone (suicide) and that this was making her extremely anxious and uncomfortable. I apologized and agreed to just stick with the original plan and cut it communication.

Just a few hours later she shoots long texts to me asking me what other crazy things did I do and if I had reached out to either her friends or family and how she would never forgive me for that if I involved them in this break-up. Apparently this was triggered by her receiving flowers that were sent by her friend prior to our break-up and she thought I asked her friend to do it on my behalf. Her friend and I were gonna come clean regardless that we were in communication and I told her how we've been chatting and how she's been a great help to me in processing my emotions and depression through this break-up. Now my Ex is extremely appalled and disgusted in me, can't believe I'd do something so creep like this, and that she blamed herself for ever revealing her friend's number to me. We clarify the flower thing and how it wasn't from me and she finally closes how she doesn't hold grudges and she understands that people make bad decisions in difficult times, and literally tells me "it's fine." I apologize again and thought that was the end of it...

Four hours later she writes me some super long texts telling me how she spent the whole afternoon angry and in anxiety, including two full blown panic attacks thinking of what I did. She's now demanding that I tell her everything I discussed with her friend so she can apologize to her friend for this intrusion and that she has lost any respect she had for me. I obliged and I guess one of things I talked about (the reason why we wanted to visit her friend) was supposed to be private information and that I had supposedly promised her I'd keep it secret (no we didn't). She flips out on me cuz I thought it was something her friend knew that I knew and now my ex is completely hysterical in text where I can't keep up anymore. Calls me an asshole, that I'm <expletive> awful, what I did was creepy and I'm a psycho and that I have no respect for anyone's privacy or boundaries. She exclaims that she has gone through so much crap in life and that she still tries to be considerate of others. Finally the last thing thing she texts me is a long lecture of how I need to take accountability and that she prays to God that I forget about her and that I keep all the other secrets she has told me, but still truly wishes me the best and to take care.

After that I'm a complete mess, but even I know nothing I said at that point would've mattered. I gave a quick acceptance of my faults and wrongdoings and apologies with my final text to her, but a few days later wrote her a long email with a proper heartfelt apology with what I did, why it was wrong, asking for forgiveness, thanked her for the good times, I'd keep the promises I didn't break yet, and final well-wishes and farewell. Her friend believes she'll never respond back to me in the future as she's put this relationship behind her now and after that I've been in NC ever since for 2 weeks and counting (the break-up and blow-up happened within the same week). She agreed with my theory that perhaps that after testing her limits with the relationship with me that she is choosing to back out of relationships period and is happy to accept a life with her parents in a brand new home being built for now, but this was before I learned by BPD was. I'm not sure what kind of work she has done with her current therapist but I doubt it has anything to do with BPD and likely more on managing her anxiety and PTSD. She has told me several times flat out that her mom is her best friend.

In the time being I've talked to several close friends and my therapist and generally no one thinks I didn't anything horribly wrong at the end of the break-up. Even her best friend doesn't think I did either and my therapist explained how I was simply searching for answers in the state I was in and the solution was in front of me with her friend's phone number. Yes my mistake was not simply going NC immediately, but I wasn't sure if I could've moved on quicker that way knowing what I know now. After speaking with my therapist, it became clear to me my ex had definite fears of abandonment from her one and only good friend due to me reaching out to her. I was already discarded at that point so the anger at me was extremely cruel and unlike her who normally tries to be compassionate and kind to other people. At first I thought the love-bombing at the beginning from her was possibly due to her wanting to desperately move on from her last PTSD incident with me as her new love, but the more I learn about pwBPD the more it's similar to me. I still love my Ex deeply, but her situation is so complex and with her blow-up at me at the end there's probably no chance I can ever make it up or support her now. I have no reason to suspect that she's seeing anyone else right now due to her immunocompromised situation and I confirmed through her friend that I was her first relationship since the last one that ended tragically around 2 years ago.

Most of my friends and I'm sure a lot of you here will probably agree that I dodged a bullet and I need to move on, but I feel a lot of you will also understand that it feels hopeless to possibly find someone this attractive again to love you like this especially for those of us well into our 30/40s.

[succulentsalive]

Hi, first post here and I've been trying to decompress and understand what I went through with a failed relationship that was likely brought to a quicker end due to COVID quarantine.  I had also posted my story on Reddit's BPDLovedOnes but wanted to see what folks here might have to say.  I recently got dumped by my girlfriend of only 4 months a few weeks ago and the shock and trauma I'm experiencing is unbearable so I've started therapy to help cope with recovery. After describing my entire relationship to my therapist from the love-bombing beginning to the anxiety/anger fueled ending, she suspects that my ex might've been a pwBPD especially considering she already suffers from alot of PTSD. Of course she says she can't properly diagnose it without directly working with her, but in either case the conclusion for her is that my ex was in absolutely no condition with what she's gone through to be able to be in any romantic relationship.

So I was wondering if I could get this forum's help in seeing if perhaps I truly was a victim of a upwBPD who discarded me during quarantine? The beginning of the relationship was like how many here have encountered, meeting this insanely attractive person who immediately found a liking to you and you felt the most wonderful chemistry in the world. She would often drink a ton when we went on dates as she felt she was having an early midlife crisis since it was near her birthday and would often tell me things like that she's dated a ton of other men before and knows for sure that I was the one. Other things might include stuff like asking me why I was so perfect, or constant questioning to me of why I loved her so much, and this constant fear of if I was sure she was the one for me and if I didn't wanted to go see other women first since I admitted that didn't have many relationships before. All of that didn't seem like flags since I was obviously on cloud 9 and the love both emotionally and physically through sex was the most amazing experience I've ever had in my life. We would talk about what we wanted in a wedding and she would constantly joke with me on putting a ring on her already. Keep in mind this was all within the first month of our relationship.

After spending more time with her, she began to spill more details about her past to me and this is where some of the serious red flags popped up. While there were a ton involving sexual trauma, assault/stalking trauma, fear of abandonment from her Brother due to war, and attempted suicide by drowning, the worst and most recent incident was her dealing with a suicide of a closed loved one that she felt she was the cause of. It explained a lot of the nightmares she had, the sporadic sleeping, the forgetfulness, but it was all things I was prepared to accept and support and I made it all known to her. What I didn't realize at the time however, was that she was suffering from a return of her PTSD symptoms while she was with me the whole time and never told me about it. She kept telling me how she's been a mess since she met me and how she wants to get better for me. She told me her telling me so many secrets from her life was something that confused her since she would never do it with her previous ex-BF's or family, but her therapist told her that it might've been something she held in for too long and she was longing to let it out for a while. Being able to be that person to receive all that made me feel especially loved and special.

There were some moments where some of the stories she told me didn't make any sense to me as she wouldn't confirm them. For example, one time at a bar I left her to go to the restroom, came back and she was chatting with another attractive woman and they were commenting each other on their dress. As we left the bar after that she started freaking out how she can't believe someone recognized her from her Instagram modeling account that she had deleted. I was surprised as it was the first time I heard of it since when I met her she said she doesn't use social media anymore. She was telling me how it made her good money back when she did it and she had nearly 1M followers. Keep in mind she's already had a couple drinks by now already. A few weeks later I ask her about her old Instagram modeling days and she acts confused and says she never had one? For some reason I let this go as well as I was still blindly in love or I had accepted her admission that she just has a tendency to forget things often that aren't work related and that's been something her mind does to protect herself from previous trauma.

For several weeks later we would just go on dinner and Netflix & chills dates at my house, but she always used my place as her excuse to drink 2+ bottles of wine and self medicate with weed. Generally though, the relationship was still a tight ship and we'd still be texting affectionately and miss each other dearly through the work week. However, then came the state lockdowns and quarantine. Since she lived with her elderly, retired parents (yes, she's in her 30's and living with them by choice as they're her support system), and she was immunocompromised, there was no way I could've appropriately met up with her physically during lockdown. For the first couple weeks it was fine, texting seemed normal, we had a chance to do one Zoom chat when her parents were out, but that was pretty much all the communication we could do. She's mostly done her work remotely anyway so this was nothing new to her, but her job got extremely busy and she caught herself having panic attacks and extreme anxiety from the job. I sympathized and gave her more space so she could concentrate. However, during this period the texting became less frequent, the "miss you" and "love you"s completely disappeared from her end and she even hinted a one point that she's been thinking a lot during the pandemic lockdown that I overlooked.

Finally the day came. I asked her why she didn't care much about our 4 month anniversary one morning as she was the one who wanted to celebrate each one and she unloads the let's break up text barrage. There was a ton of back and forth but her main reasons was that she questioned herself on being so comfortable not being able to see me and that she doesn't have the "feeling" for it anymore and doesn't feel like she can get it back based on previous relationship experiences. She also told me on the deeper end that some of me, all amazing traits, sometimes reminds her of that loved one's suicide and triggers her PTSD. This was the first time she ever told me about me actually possibly being the cause, but this was her conclusion during quarantine as she said those symptoms went away as soon as we stopped seeing each other physically. The last reason was the cliche reason of she feels that she didn't know me still and that she couldn't see a future or compatibility. She told me she wasn't gonna change her decision and that if I needed it we could meet to talk about it after lockdown is lifted and we could meet somewhere. This was BS to me as she broke lockdown plenty of times to visit supermarkets and the construction site of the new home her parents were building etc. There was no reason why we couldn't have met wearing masks, but I guess to her if we can't make out then there was no point.

At this point I felt like my world was completely shattered and abandonment spiral symptoms all came rushing to me. For someone this complex I didn't know who to talk to about this breakup as I was both worried for her and trying to console myself. The only other person I could think of was her one best friend that stayed with her throughout the last traumatic event. I had never been introduced to her friend before, but my ex and I often talked about her and wanting to drive to visit her. I did have her phone number from a random screenshot my ex took of a photo/convo so I used it and reached out by text. She was sympathetic to me and what I'm going through and was super appreciative in us thinking about visiting her. Talking with her we both concluded that she probably just isn't ready for a relationship and this was nothing on me. I let that go for a day but a day after I couldn't control myself and reach out to my ex wanting to meet to talk and how much this is hurting me. She replied in a cold manner saying that this heartache is a process I'll have to go through and only time will make it better, how it wouldn't be productive to meet right now and that I'm well aware of what happened the last time she tried to break up with someone (suicide) and that this was making her extremely anxious and uncomfortable. I apologized and agreed to just stick with the original plan and cut it communication.

Just a few hours later she shoots long texts to me asking me what other crazy things did I do and if I had reached out to either her friends or family and how she would never forgive me for that if I involved them in this break-up. Apparently this was triggered by her receiving flowers that were sent by her friend prior to our break-up and she thought I asked her friend to do it on my behalf. Her friend and I were gonna come clean regardless that we were in communication and I told her how we've been chatting and how she's been a great help to me in processing my emotions and depression through this break-up. Now my Ex is extremely appalled and disgusted in me, can't believe I'd do something so creep like this, and that she blamed herself for ever revealing her friend's number to me. We clarify the flower thing and how it wasn't from me and she finally closes how she doesn't hold grudges and she understands that people make bad decisions in difficult times, and literally tells me "it's fine." I apologize again and thought that was the end of it...

Four hours later she writes me some super long texts telling me how she spent the whole afternoon angry and in anxiety, including two full blown panic attacks thinking of what I did. She's now demanding that I tell her everything I discussed with her friend so she can apologize to her friend for this intrusion and that she has lost any respect she had for me. I obliged and I guess one of things I talked about (the reason why we wanted to visit her friend) was supposed to be private information and that I had supposedly promised her I'd keep it secret (no we didn't). She flips out on me cuz I thought it was something her friend knew that I knew and now my ex is completely hysterical in text where I can't keep up anymore. Calls me an asshole, that I'm <expletive> awful, what I did was creepy and I'm a psycho and that I have no respect for anyone's privacy or boundaries. She exclaims that she has gone through so much crap in life and that she still tries to be considerate of others. Finally the last thing thing she texts me is a long lecture of how I need to take accountability and that she prays to God that I forget about her and that I keep all the other secrets she has told me, but still truly wishes me the best and to take care.

After that I'm a complete mess, but even I know nothing I said at that point would've mattered. I gave a quick acceptance of my faults and wrongdoings and apologies with my final text to her, but a few days later wrote her a long email with a proper heartfelt apology with what I did, why it was wrong, asking for forgiveness, thanked her for the good times, I'd keep the promises I didn't break yet, and final well-wishes and farewell. Her friend believes she'll never respond back to me in the future as she's put this relationship behind her now and after that I've been in NC ever since for 2 weeks and counting (the break-up and blow-up happened within the same week). She agreed with my theory that perhaps that after testing her limits with the relationship with me that she is choosing to back out of relationships period and is happy to accept a life with her parents in a brand new home being built for now, but this was before I learned by BPD was. I'm not sure what kind of work she has done with her current therapist but I doubt it has anything to do with BPD and likely more on managing her anxiety and PTSD. She has told me several times flat out that her mom is her best friend.

In the time being I've talked to several close friends and my therapist and generally no one thinks I didn't anything horribly wrong at the end of the break-up. Even her best friend doesn't think I did either and my therapist explained how I was simply searching for answers in the state I was in and the solution was in front of me with her friend's phone number. Yes my mistake was not simply going NC immediately, but I wasn't sure if I could've moved on quicker that way knowing what I know now. After speaking with my therapist, it became clear to me my ex had definite fears of abandonment from her one and only good friend due to me reaching out to her. I was already discarded at that point so the anger at me was extremely cruel and unlike her who normally tries to be compassionate and kind to other people. At first I thought the love-bombing at the beginning from her was possibly due to her wanting to desperately move on from her last PTSD incident with me as her new love, but the more I learn about pwBPD the more it's similar to me. I still love my Ex deeply, but her situation is so complex and with her blow-up at me at the end there's probably no chance I can ever make it up or support her now. I have no reason to suspect that she's seeing anyone else right now due to her immunocompromised situation and I confirmed through her friend that I was her first relationship since the last one that ended tragically around 2 years ago.

Most of my friends and I'm sure a lot of you here will probably agree that I dodged a bullet and I need to move on, but I feel a lot of you will also understand that it feels hopeless to possibly find someone this attractive again to love you like this especially for those of us well into our 30/40s.

[Lucky Jim]

After spending more time with her, she began to spill more details about her past to me and this is where some of the serious red flags popped up. While there were a ton involving sexual trauma, assault/stalking trauma, fear of abandonment from her Brother due to war, and attempted suicide by drowning, the worst and most recent incident was her dealing with a suicide of a closed loved one that she felt she was the cause of.

Hey succulentsalive, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  We can't determine on this Board whether your Ex had BPD, which is best left to professionals.  From what you describe about the red flags (above), your Ex has had a traumatic past, which is a challenge in any r/s, BPD or not, so don't beat yourself up.  Most of us Nons lack the skills/knowledge to navigate through these tough issues without stumbling at times, so give yourself a break.

Feel free to pose any specific questions, and we'll try to help.  Most of us have been in situations similar to yours.

LuckyJim

[succulentsalive]

Thanks.  Just wondering, my Ex was always fervent on despising cheaters and guys who would hit on her despite already having girlfriends to me, so she never really demonstrated the cheating that I see so many stories of pwBPD have.  She also claimed to be very careful with who she has sex with and told me of boundaries she sets before allowing someone she's dating to have sex with her, often causing them to do "crazy" and "violent" things to her.  Of course this could've been all part of her devaluing of former ex-boyfriends towards me.  Whether all this was true or not I couldn't ever really confirm, but could a highly functional pwBPD be able to control all that?  Due to her highly paid professional career, she was always been able to flip between personas on command when it comes down to work and when it comes down to personal life.

[Lucky Jim]

She also claimed to be very careful with who she has sex with and told me of boundaries she sets before allowing someone she's dating to have sex with her, often causing them to do "crazy" and "violent" things to her.

Hey succulents, What do you mean by her causing someone she's dating to do "crazy" and "violent" things to her?  It sounds odd.  Fill us in when you can.

LJ

[succulentsalive]

Some stalking incidents and she claims she still has restraining orders out for a few individuals.  It's likely why me reaching out to her friend using a phone number she didn't explicitly give to me triggered her so much.  She has given my contact info and some personal details to her family without my permission but I never made it a big deal since I understood it was out of concern.  She also described of other incidents where someone she dated got angry at her and threw her down the stairs or another where she was violently hit in the face.  What set all these men off on her I don't really know the details or if these stories were truly fact as I couldn't confirm any of them except for the recent tragic PTSD incident.  From what she described, she definitely doesn't fit the pattern of a pwBPD with a portfolio of Ex's and moves on, or at least tries to.  Even as she was breaking up with me she wanted to leave with me as a good memory but that went out the window after I told her I reached out to her friend.

[Lucky Jim]

Are you ready to detach in earnest, or are you hoping for a recycle?

Either way is OK.  Many of us have recycled.

LJ

[succulentsalive]

Rationally I feel I need to detach.  My own therapist is beginning to help with that through tying my experiences and outcomes by grounding it with logic.  This might be better even if I wanted to get back with her in the longer term future where perhaps I can go back to acting like myself if I happen to run into her at the luxury mall where both often frequent.  However, since the BU is still relatively fresh, my heart and emotions yearns for a recycle I believe; that she'd forget the negative experience of our break-up and quarantine separation and begin to miss the good times we had and my presence on her phone.  Unfortunately, much of those good times that I look back on frequently had her under the influence of either alcohol or marijuana since being with me and away from work and her parents meant she could be free to let loose like that with me making sure she was safe.   

[Lucky Jim]

A BPD r/s, as I'm sure you aware, runs in cycles.  Things are good while the wave builds, until it crests and crashes.  Then the whole thing starts all over again.  Does this dynamic feel familiar?  It's easy to remember the good times and there is a sort of amnesia about the bad times.  Your task is to recall all of it, good and bad, while you are sorting things out.

LJ