Hi Flannelflower,
I have seen a therapist to help me deal with my relationship with my mother now a widow.
Smart move Flannelflower. I don't think anybody can manage a relationship with a BPD without either disintegrating and "losing themselves", carrying anger like a monkey on their back forever and going crazy, or simply breaking all ties and going NC. I think we all need a little help managing a person with BPD.
we had another horrible time as she berated us in an angry outburst for not fixing her pain (arthritis in leg)
Classic. I can relate to this. Last fall my mom fell under her plum tree (soft landing on the grass), and cracked 4 bones in her sacrum and pelvis. She lives on her own in a cute little house, and she was alone when it happened. She's 84. She didn't even tell me until the next day. Anyways, always the caring doting daughter, I cared for her and tried to nurse her for 2 months. I gave it everything I had. It did not end well. When she started screaming at me
that all her pain was my fault, I got home care involved (accessed it through a visit to her family doctor), and I went NC for a while to do some mental healing of my own. I recently read that pwBPD struggle more with pain than "non's", and they of course need someone to blame for all that pain, so they project all their toxic feelings onto us. I used to take it personally (my whole life), but I've learned some things about BPD now, and I
want to say I'm learning not to take it so personally anymore. Your mom's angry outburst blaming others for the arthritis pain in her leg sounds like a similar situation. If I can save you the trouble of learning how to cope with her disability the hard way (especially as it progresses), I would suggest avoiding getting involved in her care (it ends badly with more abuse), and from the onset, support her to discover her own ways to get any care or help she needs. For example, my mom has a housekeeper and a gardener. My H mows her lawns. I do her grocery shopping, and support her with other small jobs (such as online ordering). But she tried to get me to do her housekeeping and gardening too. Eventually she figured out she was going to need to find her own people to help her with those things. I never suggested it or that would have become another drama. The key is knowing what your own boundaries are, and holding them.
She is able to convince everyone - even the psychiatrists...They sent her back to nursing home after 3 days with backup counselling
Maybe she's fooling some doctors. But she won't fool all of them. It sounds like the one who sent her back with counselling wasn't fooled. The key is to get to know her doctors as well as you can if you have the opportunity. Pick one that you feel confident about, and disclose what you are comfortable with about her behavior and issues. Unless you tell them you can't do all her care, they will assume that you will. I shared the situation, and found my mom's doctor helpful for her, but also for me. The key is to figure out who you can trust. They won't necessarily be able to support you directly, but if they listen, they may take the information you are providing, and use it to find ways to support the caregivers as well as your mom. Most doctors are well aware of the need for caregiver support, because it also helps their patient. Some doctors won't be helpful at all, but maybe it's because they lost 3 patients that day and have their own stuff to deal with. Who knows.
The thing I find so hard is she does all this and then I can ring and she acts so normal but putting guilt onto me about how she is so lonely and if only I would be in more regular contact.
Classic. This is normal BPD behavior. It's
not you. It used to frustrate the
out of me. It doesn't anymore. It's a process to get from being frustrated to being less frustrated. For me, that process was hastened by reading everything I could get my hands on about BPD to try to understand it. She still p_____ me off plenty, but I do much better at shaking it off now, and letting it go. Again, it's a p-r-o-c-e-s-s, but it
is possible to let go of some or most of that
guilt you are feeling because of her FOGging you , and get on with living your own life, rather than letting her control yours.
I recently started getting depression again... She spends most of our phone calls complaining constantly about everyone and everything... I dread talking to her. I tried asking her in our last call if we could talk about nice things as I am not feeling well.
Yep. Been through this too. It really sounds like you need a break from her, and could use some time to start looking after yourself (self-care). It's not a luxury to do this Flannelflower, it's OUR "need" right?
She agreed and then in the next breath started telling me all her problems again.
When she did this, what did you do? Were you able to hold your boundary? What happened if you held your boundary? Alternately, if you "caved to
her needs" in that moment, could you try saying something like "Mom I am not well. I need ___ weeks to look after my well-being. For now I can't take any phone calls, emails or texts from anyone. I will call you when I am feeling better. I love you."
