New here, trying to make my relationship work

[Charlie23]

I am absurdly in love with someone who probably has BPD - after I described my partner and our relationship, my therapist said he is probably borderline. After doing some reading, I think it's probably correct... We are both 50 years old, both divorced, and highly compatible in a lot of ways. We both have boatloads of emotional baggage (terrible childhoods for both of us) and it seems that we sometimes trigger each other and end up in a seemingly impossible space. But, there is an intense love and 90% of our relationship is fabulous. The other 10% is pretty messed up.

We had an intense 3.5 year relationship where he discarded me 4 times. Each time I came back (after a few days of cooling off) and initiated a conversation of what had occurred and we got back together. He admitted that he had never really wanted me to leave, and we would have a few months of great communication before something would set him off and he would tell me to leave again. He knows that he sometimes has overly emotional responses, we are even able to joke about it at times. I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum and tend to not be very emotional.

The last time he sent me away (4 months ago), I decided to not play the fixer role again - I was tired of being discarded and tired of being the fixer. When he realized I was not going to come crawling back, he really doubled down and got pretty nasty. One day I was the most important person in the world to him, his life would be awful without me, and the next day our entire relationship had been terrible and I was pretty much the worst person who has ever existed.

Soo, I spent 3 months trying to convince myself that it was for the best and I needed to forget him, but I couldn't. Short version is that we are communicating again and are going to explore getting back together. I had accepted that it was over, he is the one who said he wanted to get back together. I'm back to being the most amazing person he has ever known and he can't live without me. I am acutely aware that I should likely not be diving back into this chaotic relationship, but I can't control who I love. He is the one I want to spend my next 50 years with. And the good parts of our relationship are so good, that I believe there is hope.

So far we have both agreed that we need couples therapy (probably forever) along with each of us having individual therapists. I told him there are parts of our relationship that will absolutely have to change - he agreed. We are about to spend a few days together discussing what needs to change.

Aside from general support, I would really like to learn some strategies from this group. The same things that make my dude a nightmare (let's call him Jesse James) are the same things that make him amazing. I want this to work.

The one thing I really need is a way to prevent him from discarding me whenever we have a disagreement. Abandonment is one of my major issues, and I can't do this without feeling more secure in the relationship. Any tips on getting him to have a constructive disagreement without him rushing to assume the relationship is over? Any other tips would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[djg3665]

I just went through something exactly like what you are going through, but I was painted black and in, what I think is the final discard right now.  I will tell you my story and some of the things that I tried, but nothing worked in the end.  Like you, I did everything possible to make my relationship work, but we were long distance.  She and her family were out of work because of COVID, I was paying all of her bills, her mother's bills, and her grandmother's bills which caused a lot of strain in our relationship.  She would constantly tell me that I am not providing for her like a husband should (we were not married) even though she was eating pizza and restaurant delivery every day and I was eating soup and croutons to get by.  I constantly asked her to stop spending money like water, that I can't keep up paying the bills for everyone in her family long term like this, and that it was going to stop in 1 month.  That sent her into a tailspin that we never recovered from. 

Like your situation, she would end the relationship almost every day and block me when she didn't get her way or I had to set a boundary that she didn't like.  I had to create several 'fake' accounts which I would use to contact her because blocking was an impulse and after an hour she was done with hr rage and unblock me.  This occurred about 5 times a week for about 2-3 months.  When she was calm and loving, I would try to make some movement on her going to therapy and talk to her about my needs or about what needed to change.  I sent money to pay for therapy which she spent on other things, I paid the therapist directly which she never went.  Found a psychiatrist, scheduled an appointment when I was there with her so we could go together, she had a 'job interview' that day.  So despite everything, never went to therapy.

So one day her friend messaged me saying that she hadn't talked to my fiance in a while and was wondering where she was.  I told her that she has been on a rage for a while, we have been working on getting therapy, but she has been talking to me every day... My fiance found the message on her friend's phone and immediately accused me of cheating on her with her friend.  I tried to explain that it was physically impossible because I lived 2,000 miles away and I have never met her in person, but logic doesn't matter. She calmed down after a day and I thought that things were 'normal' again.  But what I didn't know at the time is that she contacted someone who she knows that I despise and cheated on me with him out of revenge for my 'cheating'.  After about 5 months of verbal abuse, calling me a motherf****r, stupid, old and fat, ugly, said she is young and why would she want to be with a 57 year old?  I told her uh, I am 40... she turned that around and said that I treated her horribly, told her family and friends how horrible I treated her, threatened to call my work and tell everyone that I am crazy.  She told me that she didn't cheat because we broke-up 3-weeks prior; I was still paying her bills and we were together 2 days prior to this final conversation.

So after spending $20,000 in the last year supporting her and her family, bought 6 phones in 1 year because she either lost them, broke them, or were stolen; got me banned from airbnb for life because they found drugs in her room (not just marijuana) when I was paying for a room until she could find an apartment; paid 3 months rent security deposit to rent an apartment for her which she chose and I never saw, which she left after 1 month because it didn't have a working freezer or bed (was on an air mattress) and took the security deposit and told everyone that I didn't care that she was homeless; said that she was hungry and I sent a month of groceries which she threw away because it is not what she wanted; and refusing to return the engagement ring which I financed and have to pay for the next 2 years; I can say that it is the final discard.  She told the man who she cheated on me with that the ring was a gift from her mother.

So like you, I tried to discuss what needed to change, therapy, romanticized the good times and ignored the bad, nothing worked in the end.  My exBPD was great at mirroring in that if I brought an issue to her, she would accuse me of the same issue.  The promises were not about the relationship, it was a means to get what she wanted right then and there.  The engagement was not about getting married, it was used as leverage to get me to do things she wanted.   My only advice is to pay attention to actions and not words.