failed relationship

[Wil]

Hi
I’m having great difficulty in getting on with my life after the third break up with a bpd ex. We had in total 3yrs. It wasn’t until this last breakup that I came to the knowledge that she has definitely a majority of the bpd traits. I’ve been reading non stop about bpd and relationships for the past 3 months and I’m an emotional wreck. I’m self employed and am really struggling to work and hold my life together. I’ve got good supportive friends around me but emotionally I’m bankrupt. How long does it take to get over the trauma bond and get ones life back to where it was before we met. And is it possible.. HELP

[1215]

Hey Wil. I’m not sure I can be of any tangible help to you, I myself first posted on here only a few weeks ago.
Just wanted to say you’re not alone, my situation is pretty much identical to yours,, I’m self employed too. I know how you’re feeling right now. It’s such a helpless feeling not being in control of your own emotions.
For myself, I’ve been trying to sleep well, eat well, exercise, stay hydrated, journal my thoughts & feelings as they arise. Work is a difficult one I know, I just have to dredge up the motivation somehow. But most importantly, I have just only yesterday had my first appointment with a therapist. After a really bad few weeks for myself, it has motivated me to come back on here & do some more posting. From what I’ve read on here, it’s not gonna be a quick fix, but I’m willing to go the distance to get my sanity back... I really hope you can too.

[crushedagain]

Speaking from my own experience, it took me a good 6 months to get over the extreme anxiety and grief. I was having panic attacks in bed, waking up in a cold sweat. After 6 months it was still painful but a lot of lingering grief and sadness. Now it's been over 2 1/2 years and while I'm much better than when it happened, I still feel a deep void and a sense of loss.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wil, Welcome!  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself, by returning the focus to you and your needs.  Get back to who you are at your core.  Acknowledge your feelings as they come up.  Reach out to those supportive friends around you.  They probably know you better than you think.  I would suggest that, after three breakups, something was not right about the r/s for you.  It's hard, but it's time to move on, my friend.  I predict that a time will come when you will be grateful to have parted ways with your BPDx.

LuckyJim

[Whit Huntington]

Yes it IS possible.  And there is no curse saying that your recovery will take forever.   You will always love the memories with that person and you will feel a distanced appreciation, but you will not always feel the way you do now.  You can come to a point where you no longer love that person anymore.   You'll realize they live every single day empty and drowning and they will pull you under if they can, and they'll abandon you if you need them.  But you have to do the hard, unfun work of treating yourself as your love of your own life, deep down to the core, ridding yourself of shame and judgment,  and really loving your inner child.   Maybe get the book Inner Bonding, I always wish I'd found it earlier, and start practicing and keep practicing even when it feels annoying.  And you have to love the world we actually live in, not the world you wish for, and you have to love the people you know as they are, not who you think they can be.  They are that way for a reason.

Not an expert, just speaking from the heart and want you to have faith.  It's been 6 months (of quarantine) since I blocked my ex for good (quarantine makes it harder), and sure I have ups and downs but they are so much better... time really will help... we here support you.

[Whit Huntington]

Was just thinking on the reply I posted last night...  I want to apologize.  I hope I didn't somehow undermine your suffering or anyone else's in any way.  If I did, I'm so sorry.  I don't mean to at all. I'd only wanted to say that... it gets better.  When I looked at my reply again, it came off kind of superior and that's wrong - I think that post gave the impression that it was or currently is easy for me...  it's not.  Even now, it's not easy.  It is just better than before, it gets better... but it's not easy.  I think it will get easier, with cycles.  These borderlines, they have this way of digging into your strongest feelings.  I still get confused & hurt by it.  And I'm very sorry if my post came off unsupportive in any way.  What you're feeling is real and legitimate.  Don't let my foolish post undermine you, and take in the wisdom & support that is here for you. 

[Lucky Jim]

Whit: I read your reply and didn't take it that way, so no worries from my perspective!

But you have to do the hard, unfun work of treating yourself as your love of your own life, deep down to the core, ridding yourself of shame and judgment,  and really loving your inner child.

I happen to agree with you that self-love and self-acceptance are at the heart of one's recovery.  My task, as I see it, is to love myself enough that I never allow myself to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  It sounds easy, but as you note, it's "hard, unfun work" for most of us Nons.  I have to remind myself that, Hey, you're human.

Wil: Be patient; everyone heals at his/her own pace.  The work leads to greater happiness, in my view, which is what it's all about, right?

LJ