Dealing with a manufactured crisis

[TeskoSD]

I need help navigating a fake crisis manufactured by my husband in response to my actual, non-crisis illness. I’m feeling anger and resentment for my illness is not being taken seriously and is instead being twisted into a spotlight moment for my husband. I’m not sure how to help him without hurting myself.

I touched on this topic in another thread and will give a quick summary. I have persistent vertigo, ear pain and hearing loss from an illness. We have subpar health insurance so this has been dragging on for nearly a month, for the process to see a specialist is pretty outrageous. It’s not life threatening it’s more annoying for me to feel dizzy often and to be vomiting seemingly at random times.

Really it doesn’t matter what’s going on with my health. The pattern is pretty much the same with my husband, and it goes like this - I am ill. Then he gets ill with something not as bad but not great. And from there he escalates. So for this rodeo, he started with a sore throat, and as of today he’s announced he has kidney failure.

If I don’t get better in some timeframe he’s created in his mind then his illnesses rapidly get worse. I’ve heard a lot over the years, and in the past I’ve taken him quite seriously. I know it’s a problem for him feeling that he’s not believed.

Today I either don’t have the energy or the will to go along with his nonsense. I’ve asked him very specific questions about evidence supporting his kidney failure claim. He’s got nothing but vague answers. When he’s actually sick, he shows up with very specific data. And he’s very defensive and made a statement I know is consistent with his BPD. I suggested he consider staying positive, and he shot back with an angry statement about him having the right to be concerned about his pending death. To which I said yes you have every right.

Then he kind of asked for a hug. He said what he needed most right now was a hug and then looked at me. I’m laying down trying not to throw up again. Normally I would get up and give him a hug but instead I said “I can’t do that for you right now”.

 I feel awful. I feel guilty for not giving him a hug. I feel like a monster. And there’s this tiny part of me who has a sense that I did the right thing by not giving in, not giving him the assurance that it’s okay for him to fake illnesses for attention. But I really don’t know if what I did just now was right or helpful.

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[JaneWrites]

First, let me say I am so sorry you are dealing with these health issues. It sounds really miserable and I can imagine it is hell not having support when you can't function.

I can totally relate to this. My husband has some illness 90 percent of the days, ranging from insomnia, dehydration, running triggered some kind of immune allergy-related response, chronic sinus infection to more serious inexplicable symptoms. Oddly, his drinking never causes anything. Hmmmm. I can't tell you my a-ha moment when I read this was a BPD tendency.

In your place, I would not feel guilty. You have an acute understanding of the situation and you are physically unable to cater to it in the way he is seeking.

It is exhausting never to have our own needs met. We can't step back at all for physical or emotional problems without being expected to respond to a manufactured even greater hardship. Be kind to yourself.

If you encouraged him to find a way to the hospital - either drive himself or get a ride - would that end it? Or maybe "I'm very concerned. Let's monitor the situation and have a plan if the symptoms don't go away by X day."

[JaneWrites]

Also, it's amazing what I keep piecing together. I've diagnosed my MIL with BPD as well. She lives across the country so we see her once or twice a year. She spends a good part of our visits in bed with an onslaught of arthritis pain or something else. I thought maybe our visits were overwhelming and caused some kind of autoimmune response, but now I'm wondering if it's manufactured. I'll never know, of course. Could be either or both really.

[TeskoSD]

Thanks, Jane. Lately I haven’t been able to say things like that without sounding completely fake. Or being a b****. When I don’t have the energy, like now, it’s real hard for me to conjure up empathy and concern, especially for a situation I know is sole shade of false.

What to do in times like this when I don’t have the energy to respond with kindness and he’s demanding a response? A response isn’t accurate - he’s demanding responses. This feels like a standoff. He’s going to keep banging on the door to wake me up and just stand there staring at me until I give him the stupid hug he wants. And then it won’t end, he will pile up a list of demands. I just want peace and quiet and frankly I need peace and quiet and the room to just be sick and healing.

[Abazaba]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and wish I had something more helpful to say. My BPD does this too - every single day, he has an ache, pain, cancer, a tumor, a cut, a lump, a bump or a this or that. It is exhausting because 95% of these things are manufactured illnesses. He’ll make doctors appointments and rage all day before the appointment about his impending death. After the appointment, where he inevitably finds out he’s ok, he is calm. That lasts for a couple days, before he has the symptoms again. I am expected to be a martyr - throwing myself essentially on the cross to make sure he is OK, tending to every concern, every need for validation, checking on him constantly. Running to his aid every single day. If I don’t meet this 10000% standard, then I don’t care about him which makes the rage even worse.

A couple months ago, I had a checkup and my first ever STD test, and found out I was positive for genital herpes (I’ve never had this before and no outbreak). Of course, I was super concerned and talked to him as my doctor suggested talking to my partner. He denied doing anything. As I was still trying to process everything, he predictably made it all about him, asking me if I thought he should be concerned about him having HIV. How would he have HIV? Where did that come from and what happened to our talk about herpes? No longer was the conversation about me - he was too busy on the computer googling HIV symptoms.

I don’t understand it and have yet to find a way that works to address this. I’ve tried discussing it with him - no luck. I’ve tried saying “see a doctor,” but he expects me to say that 50 days in a row if that’s how long it takes him to see a doctor about it. It is very draining, very frustrating and in the end, you’re never doing enough anyways.