Living with my mother

[petunia95]

I am 53 years old. I have been dealing with my mother's illness all that time. It is truly exhausting. I've been in therapy for many years which has given me enough insight not to completely self-destruct (barely), and I have learned a little bit about how to deal with her. But it's still so difficult to live with her. She is soo hard to deal with.

I grew up with a schizophrenic brother and a borderline mother. My dad was incredibly nice but he was abused by her too and couldn't stand up to her blistering attacks. Consequently, I had a few problems of my own. I developed a near fatal addiction to cocaine and put myself in embarrassingly dangerous situations. I always went and used after some of her more spectacular melt-downs. I thought that by hurting myself it would wake her up to the fact of how mean she was being. That she would connect MY outrageous behavior as a consequence of something that she had done. Because I was really fairly normal, shy kid, very compassionate. She didn't. She just saw it as evidence that she had another insane, crazy child. Cognitively, I certainly didn't appreciate all that in my 20s and 30s when my addiction was at its worst. I just would run away because she was so very very intolerable. I mean it was bad. Somehow I managed to live through that, with the help of an insightful empathetic therapist, but also incurred a large financial debt to my mother. My brother and father are deceased so it's just me and her now. I miss my father so much. He and I would give each other pep talks to try and save our psyches from this unfortunate human. Now that he's gone, I'm left alone trying to do my daughterly duty towards my aging mother while not being totally eviscerated by her venomous tongue.

I am an RN so I can support myself but with the covid going around I chose to quit my job and take care of her. (I'm a psychiatric nurse, not the medical kind.) That was probably not a good decision as now I'm spending way too much time with her. The problem I face is that I feel obliged to take care of this person who while at times can be pleasant and almost nice to be around, is ultimately quite verbally and emotionally abusive. She is entitled and demanding. I do most of her housework and all her financial work. She berates me for the things she thinks I'm not taking care of well enough. She berates work people who come to the house. She writes scathing reviews, scathing letters. She is so full of venom. I feel so torn. Because I know if I move out she will be at a loss and will NEVER forgive me for abandoning her. And yet I just feel totally overwhelmed by her anger. She is blisteringly verbally abusive. I feel trapped because while I know I can move out and support myself, I also think I will be consumed with guilt for leaving her.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, I suppose just some sympathetic ears. My friends get tired of hearing about her, probably. They don't complain but they don't understand why I stay either. I sometimes don't either. I just know that I've never felt like my life was my own. She will never understand my point of view, I will just be vilified like everyone else she vilifies. I would just have to leave and not care that my mother hated me. But I guess she hates me anyway.  I feel like a tool.

[zachira]

We are here to provide a sympathetic  ear for you. I hear you when you feel guilty about not wanting to take care of your mother, and don't want to be her primary caretaker any longer because of how she mistreats you. It boils down to probably two unpleasant choices: You neglect your needs while caring for your mother or you care for yourself wishing you had the kind of mother you could safely take care of. My mother with BPD died last summer. She was sometimes nice to me and other times she abused me. I made the decision to put myself first, while doing what I could for my mother. I will always feel sad that I could not really do much for my aging mother because of how she treated me, yet I know I made the right choice. What do you think is the next step for you?

[Methuen]

Hello Petunia,

Welcome!  From your story, it is clear that there have been many struggles.  You sound exhausted.  Maybe it is time to look for an exit "strategy" with your mom.  What do you think?

It sounds like you and your mom live under the same roof.  Am I right in thinking that?

How old is your mom?

I'm 58.  My mom is 84, and uBPD.  I can relate to some of what you are saying, but not all of it.  

First let me say how happy I am to hear that your dad was a nice and kind person.  My dad was like that too, which makes us very fortunate.  At least we have that for a "baseline normal". My dad passed away 15 years ago.  Like you, I miss him SOO much.  

I incurred a large financial debt to my mother.

Can you tell us more about this?  Also, is she holding this "over your head" with the message that you still "owe her"?

I am an RN so I can support myself but with the covid going around I chose to quit my job and take care of her.

Did you choose that on your own for your own reasons, or do you think your mom had some influence in your decision to leave your job?  I ask, because you mentioned you feel "obliged" to take care of her.

Because I know if I move out she will be at a loss and will NEVER forgive me for abandoning her.

 I'm going to challenge this logic a little bit.  I'm guessing you believe this because of emotion, rather than rational thinking.  Why would you be "abandoning" her if you moved out?  That sounds like her voice speaking those words.  How many 53 year olds do you know that a) live with their mother (b) would be accused of "abandonment" if they found their own living arrangements?  OK that was a rhetorical question.  On this board, we all know the answer to this, because we know that "fear of abandonment" is the motivator for the maladaptive behavior of the pwBPD.  Because we all have experience with a pwBPD, we sometimes have a problem with what is "normal".  We've also been carefully groomed by our pwBPD to take care of their every need (especially the emotional needs), so they've trained us to feel guilty.  Our job to become healthy whole people again, is to figure out how to untangle the enmeshment and FOG, and learn some new strategies to manage our reactions to the BPD behavior, and also to learn how to take care of ourselves for a change, and not let the pwBPD control our feelings about ourselves (i.e. guilt), and our behaviors (eg. not living on your own).  It's a long process to undo all that right?  

It sounds like you've had a T for a while, which is great!  It sounds like you have friends, which is also great!  For now, I would suggest doing "fun" things with your friends, and avoid talking about your mom.  She's occupying too much space in your head, and maybe doing "fun" things with your friends is one way to start making more space in your head for the other parts of your life (other than your mom).  My guess is you and your friends will both have more fun together.

She will never understand my point of view, I will just be vilified like everyone else she vilifies. I would just have to leave and not care that my mother hated me. But I guess she hates me anyway.  I feel like a tool.

 You are right, but not about being a tool!  She is never going to understand your point of view, because of her disease. You are also right that leaving would bring a reaction from her.  She's not going to like it.  There's a lot of things in life that a lot of us don't like, from bosses, to politicians, to speed limits, to societal rules and expectations, to the way people treat us sometimes.  But, we all have to deal with those things.  Your mom also needs to deal with her uncomfortable feelings about living by herself.  She may say horrible things, but it's so important to remember that her fear and her disease saying those things.  It is up to you how you react to them, and how you choose to live your life.  You are important too.  You have rights to live your own life and think your own thoughts.  You matter too.  

I feel like a tool.

Welcome to the club!  I think we all either feel like a tool, or have felt like a tool.  But we shouldn't right?

I'm hoping you've had a chance to go to the link "how to get the most out of this site". If you haven't, there is a TON of helpful info and strategies there.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334882.0

It can get better. Do share more.
 

[petunia95]

Thank y'all so much for your replies! It's such a relief to find a group of people who already know the framework for how these difficult people operate.

As my mom gets older these "breaks" seem to happen much more frequently. She is more fragile with her advancing age and with the pandemic going on she is Ultra paranoid.

What do you think is the next step for you?

I think I will continue to weather these storms and work on getting better at distancing myself from her emotionally. We just cycled through a particularly bad one, the one that motivated me to find this site. Sometimes I can completely not react emotionally to her charged words and accusations. And other times she totally gets me to bite the hook. I need to stop thinking she will ever be a normal companion and develop my skills at being her psych nurse. I'm really good with psych patients and my therapist recommended that when I leave my (her) guest house I leave Daughter Me behind and go to her house as Nurse Me. It works when I remember but I get lulled into complacency and forget who I'm dealing with. My mom can be nice and pleasant and kind of fun to be around when she isn't triggered and it can be quite a jolt when she goes from zero to sixty from a pleasant state.

It sounds like you and your mom live under the same roof.  Am I right in thinking that?
How old is your mom?

I live in my mother's guest house. Luckily I'm in my "own" structure. She has tried to get me to move into the main house once or twice but that is out of the question. I wouldn't have moved here at all if there wasn't this back house.

I incurred a large financial debt to my mother related to my addiction issues. And she definitely holds it over my head. She frequently refers to how she "saved" me when everyone around her was telling her to let me go. She has spent a great deal of money on me and I have misappropriated large sums as well related to my addiction. So, I do owe her in a real sense. But I wasn't expecting to pay for it with my life. Particularly when most of my addiction was driven by trying to get her to see how damaging her behavior was. I'm not blaming her for the whole thing, it was my responsibility to stop using once I realized how ... I don't know ... something. I am responsible for my behavior. But my mom had and can be soo comforting sometimes (not much lately) but she was when I was young, that I felt compelled to try and fix the relationship. I was very much tied to her and leaving, and staying, caused such extreme anxiety that I never left like a regular grown-up would. After typing that I realize that's pretty much the same thing that's going on now. It's hardly changed at all. Except now when she blows up I don't go use drugs. Not that I don't think about it. I'm just too old now. I used to run away to escape from her, now I don't have to run so far. I might leave in the car, but I come back. I'm like I'm not driving all over town looking for comfort, I'm going back to my bed for comfort.

But this last fight was the worst in terms of how long it went on. They've gotten so frequent in the last few months they seem almost continuous. But this time I didn't see or speak to her for almost three days. And I did my usual of looking at apartments to move to, getting qualified, and turning down the lease. But it was so nice not to talk to her for awhile. We talk and see each other WAY too much. Maybe that's where I could start with some boundaries. My friends and my therapist tell me I don't stick up for myself enough. I mean she's scary but as he has pointed out, I'm holding all the cards. It's easy for me to forget that and I start acting like I'm 10 years old.

Thanks for reading/listening to whomever is. This has been such a relief to find a site like this. People who already know how difficult it is to remain true to oneself while dealing with these difficult, tortured people.

[petunia95]

Oh, yeah, my mom is 79.

[zachira]

You really get what is going on with your mother, that you need to emotionally distance yourself from her, and you know it is a matter of time before she blows up at you again. My heart hurts when you talk about the addiction as being a way to cope in the past. Know you are not alone in choosing harmful ways to cope; it  takes a lot of courage to face having an abusive mother with BPD and to figure out how not to take on her emotions especially when she is having a meltdown and blaming you for how she feels. When do you think you will be able to move out, and until then what are your plans for coping?

[Methuen]

Petunia, I'm glad to hear you are in the guest house, and not under the very same roof.  At least there is some physical space between you (a natural boundary).  

I need to stop thinking she will ever be a normal companion and develop my skills at being her psych nurse. I'm really good with psych patients and my therapist recommended that when I leave my (her) guest house I leave Daughter Me behind and go to her house as Nurse Me.

I like your therapist!  This sounds like a strategy with potential, and it sounds like it works when you remember to do it.  Maybe it could be a transition strategy for now.  It sounds like there has been a lot of toxic stuff happening.  So I can see where putting on your psych nursing cap is a special gift you can use, which the rest of us don't have in our toolbox.  Thinking of her as a patient instead of your mother...certainly seems like it could remove the emotion from the "case" and perhaps let you respond to her differently.  In the long run though, is it your plan to live independently, and let her live independently according to her own choices (be they good or bad)?

This is where I've come to with my mom.  She's 84.  My mom's made some terrible choices.  If feels like for much of my life, I tried to rescue her and save her from these bad choices, or negative character traits (lying, impulsivity, not thinking of consequences, eating disorder).  I used to JADE a lot.  But now that I have a better understanding of BPD, I've accepted that doesn't work.  What works is letting her do things her own way, even if this results in harm (eg she refuses to put a bathmat in her tub, despite being frail and having had many "falls".) Crazy right? Who wouldn't put a bath mat in their tub if they have a tendancy to fall, when home care tells you to do it?  My mom is who. However, I now have my own boundaries.  She can refuse home care services (which she's done), but that doesn't mean I have to be the one to "cater" to her neediness or demands.  She now has a housekeeper and a gardener, and surprisingly she was able to find those people on her own, when I held my boundary and wasn't "available" to do those things for her.  I also set her up with a "Lifeline" (button she can press which is like a necklace hidden under her clothes).  She doesn't wear it anymore, but I don't say anything.  Her choice.  She also ragged on H and I for years to "live with us", but we held a boundary there too.  It got quite aweful because she said some bad things about us publicly to people because my H finally told her that "her and I living together" wouldn't be a good fit.  It would have been better in hindsight if he had told her "it's healthier for everyone to have their own space", but back then, neither one of us had a clue about BPD, or how we should manage it.

As my mom gets older these "breaks" seem to happen much more frequently. She is more fragile with her advancing age and with the pandemic going on she is Ultra paranoid.

My experience is similar.  Mom definitely got worse 1) with age 2) after my father's death.  My mom can also be very paranoid but I totally "lucked out" last fall when two of her best friends kept telling her how much better they felt since starting to take "Mirtazapine".  They're in their 80's too, so since her "peer group" was taking an antidepressant, that made it ok for her to take it (she hates drugs even though she was an RN) so she went to her Dr and told him she wanted Mirtazapine (she always wants what other people have).  If I had suggested it, OMG I can imagine what would have happened...She would have been screaming at me that I am the crazy one.  Anyways, I'm wondering if your mom a social type?  I wish upon a star that your mom has friends who gab about each other's problems, and are on antidepressants and your mom sees for herself how much better they feel. The Mirtazapine has taken the "edge" off my mom's symptoms for now.  I know a crisis is just around the corner with her next fall, but I'll just have to deal with that when it comes.  She's been on antidepressants before, and taken herself off of them slowly, so I'm familiar with that cycle.  It never ends well.  

I'm rambling a bit here, but through my examples, what I'm really saying, is that "it's OK not to be your mom's caretaker if she abuses you, and if it's affecting your quality of life".  As for the guilt, it gets better if we work at separating ourselves from feeling our mothers feelings for them.  Untangling the enmeshment is a process, but in my case, the harder I work at it, and the healthier I become, the more the guilt begins to fade, and there is more clarity about what "normal" should be.  It does get better.

And other times she totally gets me to bite the hook.

I feel I know what you mean.  It's really good that you are aware of this.  That's what makes change possible.  I used to bite the hook 100% of the time.  Heck, sometimes I probably helped her cast the hook right to me.  But I haven't bit a hook since last November.  Biting the hook perpetuates her using the same lure.  I don't make it that easy any more.  One of my new mottos: the best way to put out my mom's fire is to not feed it.

She has spent a great deal of money on me and I have misappropriated large sums as well related to my addiction. So, I do owe her in a real sense. But I wasn't expecting to pay for it with my life.

Nor should you.  That sounds like emotional blackmail.  She is going to continue to use that blackmail as long as it keeps working for her, right?  How will it end?  Do you have thoughts about this?

When we become parents we take on a parenting responsibility.  Whether as parents, we pay for a first car for a child, or a downpayment on a house to help out, or a college education, or bail, or repeated rehab services, or med school, we don't expect them to "serve" our needs the rest of their lives for it, right?  Parents do it because they are parents, not because they expect something in return.  Healthy relationships don't have conditions on them.  Will she ever lift this "condition" from you, do you think?

We talk and see each other WAY too much. Maybe that's where I could start with some boundaries.

This sounds like a good plan

Since she's so emotionally dysregulated right now, have you tried using SET with her?  My guess is you are expert at this as a psych nurse, but I wonder if it could be harder to do with your own mom, because of defensive habits formed after being raised by her (your inner child kind of takes over)?  It took me quite a while to get the hang of SET, and honestly, I'm still working on it. I have to really breathe, and count, and think about SET in the moment, which is a lot harder than the JADE reply I've always used which was reactionary.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

There is a way to navigate this Petunia.  It's a process, and it takes time and effort, but it can get better.

[petunia95]

Wow, I just wrote out a really long reply that disappeared!  Arrrgh!

[Sad4Her]

Hi Petunia95,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Just know that we all get it. I will never get tired of listening to you because I myself, and I'm sure most here, just complain about it all the time because it is happening to us ALL THE TIME. This site and my wonderful therapist have helped me so much and I hope we can be there for you too. Stay strong and on days it's bad, come here and let it out and get support.

[madeline7]

When you said that you feel like your life is not your own, that definitely resonated with me. My uBPDm is 90. I can't write a long response this morning, but just wanted to reach out. Glad you are in the guest house, and sounds like you have gained lots of good insight over the years. We are here to listen and support you.

[petunia95]

 Thank you all for your feedback! It's very comforting to hear from everyone. Like I said my friends are there for me, but I feel like I'm always talking about my mother! I'd like some different topics for a change!

In the long run though, is it your plan to live independently, and let her live independently according to her own choices (be they good or bad)?

I wish I could, but realistically I don't think I'll be able to leave. The guilt is too substantial. If my father were alive I would have no trouble leaving. But when I think about leaving her now I become wracked with guilt, and anxiety. And apart from her insanity, I have a nice life here that I wouldn't be able to easily reproduce. It's complicated, but I feel so crazy when I think about leaving, I'm just going to stay.

What I do still need to work on is my emotional distance. I've improved my skill over the last several decades (haha) and I feel I should be able to live here without sacrificing my equanimity. The times when she can hurt me are when I fall back into that place of thinking she will change and start seeing things from my perspective. I have to remember that I DO have the upper hand here. I can walk out when she starts being disrespectful. I just have to remember to do it. In the past I have thought that I HAD to stay and listen to all that garbage. For one, I thought I deserved it (when I was younger), and two, I thought it was integral to her coming out of the bad part of her cycle and reverting back into the more stable part of her personality. But now I don't think that so much. I think she reverts back in her own time, regardless of what I do. And in fact she is the one who reaches back out to me when I totally cut bait and bounce for a good chunk of time.

I used to react in such anger and outrage (still do sometimes) which I have learned is NOT helpful. Telling her I love her no matter what but that I have to leave during her episodes seems to be best. When she says things that are patently false - like that I don't care - are best met with non-emotional contradiction - "That's not true, mom. I do care" works fairly well. I just have to leave when she flips out. I get so sucked in sometimes!

So I will continue to hone my skills. I have plenty of opportunity to practice, unfortunately. But I have a fairly nice life here. When she is calm, I can enjoy my life and when she is not, I can practice my zen buddhist skills of differentiation.

She's a challenge.

I can't tell you how nice it has been to find this forum! I thank y'all for reading/commenting and I look forward to learning more about your challenges as we forge our way through life with these challenging people!


Thank you again

[Methuen]

I feel so crazy when I think about leaving, I'm just going to stay.

This sounds like a decision based laregly on emotion (guilt and anxiety).  Is that somewhat accurate?

What if you made up a table with 4 quadrants?  Two boxes could include your list of pros and cons for staying in the house with her.  Two more boxes could include your list of pros and cons for living independently from her.  Some of the items might overlap, but some of them won't.  And notice that two boxes are about her, and two boxes are about you.  If you were to make up a really thoughtful detailed chart, and considered your own needs as well as hers, then you might still decide to stay with the current living arrangement, but the decision would have a rational element to it.  Personally, guilt for me leads to resentment.  Resentment leads to unhappiness.  From there, things deteriorate over time.  On the other hand, thinking through all the pros and cons might let your explore your own options and dreams, and lead to creative ideas or solutions you hadn't thought of before.  Are you thinking you will just stay because it's the path of least resistance? 

Out of curiosity, have you ever taken trips or holidays away from your mom?  How did she do?

[Sad4Her]

Petunia95,
I get it! It's hard for people to understand how you can stay in that situation. However, when you are an only child or the only child able to do the care taking, it's beyond difficult to leave. I, myself, bought a home with a high mortgage that had my husband and I living paycheck to paycheck for 17yrs just to have a two family to have my mother with me. Still she was never happy. It took me years of self therapy as well as getting outside help to move on. As I continued therapy, I got angrier and angrier with myself for living my life for her. Eventually, she made me snap and I told her (I'm embarrassed to say, in not so kind words) that she has to leave. I sold my home and moved to  where I always wanted to be. The past year has been so much less stressful but still a great deal stressful, if that makes sense. She stayed with a friend who kicked her out. She then stayed with my cousin who wanted her out. Now I found her a place near me and I'm sure most of my stress will be back. I'm at the point where I could NEVER live with her again. I love my mother but if it was a shelter or my home, shelter it is. As cruel as that sounds, it's what would have to be or my health and sanity would be at risk. Telling her to leave my home was the most difficult thing in my life because I know she mentally saw it as any child would see their mommy or daddy leaving them. So, I GET it if you can never leave her. I'm here for you!