Should she stay or should she go?

[Motherwest]

Hi. I have a 19 yr old daughter that I have legal guardianship to. After several years of outbursts, screaming and yelling, threats of suicide and generally treating us like crap, I am trying to decide if I should send her to a lockdown for DBT therapy. She has quit therapy in the past, will not admit the way she treats people when they make her angry or feeling rejected. She can’t hold down a job. She is a slob in our home. She is completely disrespectful. I feel this is her last chance to get help and stay alive. Thoughts? Thanks for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[squirrel20]

Hello,

It sounds like you’ve been living with a lot of turmoil.

It took my husband and I years to figure out our daughter is BPD. She is now 27 and has created a path of destruction-suicide threats and all.

It’s a very tough decision you are facing. However, you said you have guardianship, so there must be a good reason for this. You are also in a unique situation as most of us parents cannot enforce therapy on our adult children.

We (mom and Dad) recently sought a BPD specialist for us, not her. We are being trained in the triangle method of communication, called SET. This method provides support, empathy, and truth when an escalation is happening. It also allows it to be shut down. Screaming and yelling end communication until the BPD can talk calmly. It takes practice and that’s what we are doing ahead of time, with the hope our first time using it has success.

Our daughter hasn’t been home to visit or stay here for 2 years. We haven’t had a civil conversation for over a year now.

I would say take the opportunity you have and get her the help she needs because we were told, as you probably know, this will not end. If she cannot work and take care of herself, give her the best opportunity to do so in the future as she is so young.

You certainly are not alone here.