Need help detaching and ending the relationship

[spinninghead]

Hello folks,

I've posted a few things in the "Bettering" board... but I feel in my gut that the best way for me to better my life, my sons' lives, and my health is to end my marriage. Deets: My sons are teens and wife with BPD is step-mother to them. We have joint custody with their mom/my ex wife.

I need help and I don't know what kind of help. I feel exhausted inside, worn down, and almost numb. I used to be able to imagine a future that was bright with our family, but I don't see it anymore. We've been going to marital counseling for years. We each have our own therapists. My focus in therapy is managing the anxiety and stress brought on by my marriage. The diagnosis is known to all involved. The daily and weekly dysfunction is not improving. There are slight temporary improvements if I follow the communication models and do everything "right," but the moment I am human and am not 100 percent on my game, it goes sideways fast.

I feel paralyzed to take the next step and say "I need to end this relationship". I am aware that it would be easier for me to chicken out and let her make good on one of her many threats to leave (which never materialize). I am aware that I worry about her ability to take care of herself. I am aware that there are parts of her personality I cherish and will miss. I see all these things bubbling up and I see that they begin to morph into guilt.

I have friends and family who live far away and have offered help (all of whom have gently let me know they are concerned for my wellbeing). I have almost no one locally, due to the isolation, etc.

I now envision a brighter, happier, healthier future on my own. Why can't I get myself to make this happen?

Love and hugs to everyone out there 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey spinning head, I suggest you put yourself first for a change.  It's not selfish to take care of oneself!  I was once in your shoes, so I know how hard it can be to leave a marriage to a pwBPD.  Like you, I was worn out and had nothing left in the tank.  I hit bottom which was not fun.  I suggest you reach out to your friends and family who care about you.  You will need their support if you elect to part ways from your W.  It's a good time to get your life back on track.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings, which if you are like me you have probably been ignoring!

LuckyJim

[FindingMe2011]

I now envision a brighter, happier, healthier future on my own. Why can't I get myself to make this happen?

For me, plain and simple...ABANDONMENT FEAR. To your subconscious this makes perfect sense, yet on a conscious level it doesnt. There in lies the conflict. Being there taking shots all day will only keep the FOG(fear, obligation, guilt) rolling in. Its abandonment fear and the body (subconscious) is protecting the mind (conscious) or so it believes. The pain I had suffered my whole life with break ups proved this to me. The pain you would feel, would be similar. Its just continuing the hell, just as you remember it. But when you finally do break this bondage. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes brighter. Hopefully this time you can put these ill feelings, that have lied to you for years, in their proper place...It will get better, there is no other way but up. I wish you well Peace