Need help and advice. Feeling trapped in my relationship.

[Thedubman123]

Me and my current girlfriend started dating last July. We broke up in Late November and then got back together in March so we have been back together for about 4 months now.

The first time we were together (4 months) it was an absolute PLEASE READ show ( the normal idolization, devalue, and discard). The first time around I was manipulated, physically and emotionally abused, and eventually cheated on. For some reason though I could not forget how amazing she was during the idolization phase which led me to obsess about her when we broke up. We were broken up for 3 and a half months and that whole time I could not get my mind off of her. I wanted to get back with her in the absolute worst way. We were no contact for the whole time we were broken up till I finally caved and sent her a text back in March and see how she would react to it. She was so happy to hear from me and within days we were back together.

We have been back together for about 3-4 months now and it has been better than the first time but I want out. Like I said, her behavior has been a lot better but she still manipulates me, gets very angry and short with me, and always directs her anger towards me. We fight on a weekly basis. 2 weeks is the longest we lasted without fighting. She’s very controlling and gives me no space to have a life outside the relationship. I feel like the fascination I had for her is fading and fading fast. I want my life back and I feel like I don’t want to stick around for her to cheat on me again. Even if she did cheat again I don’t think I would be nearly as hurt as the first time she did. She’s not all bad though. She does have great qualities but the bad out weighs the good in my opinion. I plain and simply do not like her like I use to.

How do I get out of this? How do I break up with her when I know she will act very extreme to it? I’m talking to my therapist Thursday for her advice but I want somebody’s advice that has been there. I’m scared and feel trapped. I feel like I keep telling her that I love her and won’t leave her out of fear and to keep the peace to some extent. I’m burnt out and tired. We spend 24/7 together and it’s starting to drive me nuts. I’m just scared if I break up with her that she is going to make sure there are consequences for me by making false accusations or something along the lines of that. She also don’t trust me for PLEASE READ. I really need help. She thinks things are going great and is in love with me more than she ever was. What do I do?

[Rev]

Hello my friend,

Just wanting to clarify one major things.  What's at stake for you if she does in fact make false accusations - which if she does demonstrate BPD or NPD traits is a foregone conclusion.  At some point, she will make false accusations of some kind.

What is the worst case scenario. Are you able to to talk about that or is it too much.  I hear you - I stayed 18 months longer than I wanted to or perhaps even should have because of the same fears - I was afraid that she would ruin my career.

If you could answer that, then maybe I could respond more intelligently.

Rev

[Thedubman123]

Just scared because of all the horror stories you read about bpd women. Hearing about people getting falsely accused of rape or domestic violence and things like that. I could not imagine being in prison as an innocent man. I’m not sure if the crazy stories you read our getting to my head but them type of things seem to happen quite often after breakups with bpd women. You cannot put anything past these women. They are ill. I’m afraid of loosing everything.

[formflier]

Has she made any threats so far?  If you do x I will do Y?

Are any of those threats recorded? 

Most smart phones can get recorder apps.

How did the first breakup go?  Any allegations then?

Does she threaten to break up with you now?

Best,

FF

[Rev]

Hi again,

I am with FF... and I will wait to hear your answer to that one. And again, I hear you. I am in my fifties - have never had any serious mental health issues - which means I've had some temporary, non-serious ones that required attention.

So I can totally relate how a little thing can mushroom into a big one.  The only time in my life I have had significant panic attacks (2 in fact) were in the two months following my separation from my ex - and when I started to get to the place where I could take the bull by the horns - then it mattered less what she said or did not say.

It still felt crappy as heck but the really serious paranoia went away.  It did not change the fact that I needed to - and still need to - keep my total distance from her. But now, a year later, even the negative thinking is all but gone.

Looking forward to hearing more about your story.

Hang in there.

Rev

Rev.

[formflier]

Same here, mental health issues have come up (some from relationship) and you get them handled.

Panic stuff sucks, I bet you can get help working through it.

Best,

FF

[Thedubman123]

Has she made any threats so far?  If you do x I will do Y?

Are any of those threats recorded? 

Most smart phones can get recorder apps.

How did the first breakup go?  Any allegations then?

Does she threaten to break up with you now?

Best,

FF

No threats so far. The first time we were together she always use to threaten me with other guys but since we have been back together she stopped doing that. No crazy allegations or threats but she is so unpredictable and always finding new ways to make me miserable.

The first breakup ended quite badly. After I caught her cheating for a second time we got in a huge screaming battle and it ended with me leaving, blocking her, and not looking back. I normally keep my cool but at that time I just had it. When we got back together she admitted she texted me that she was pregnant (which was a lie) but I never got the text because I had her blocked.

I wish she would break up with me. In a way I think she can sense it to. So she will not breakup with me because she knows it will satisfy me. She’s going to want to run me threw the dirt and hurt me as much as possible before she lets me go. She has threatened to break up with me though a few times. Wish she would go through with it. So if this ends it going to have to be me that ends it. I feel like the sooner the better to.

She has showed no signs of cheating this time around but I feel like it’s a matter of time before that happens again. Not saying she will,  but the odds definitely lean to her doing it again at some point. She can’t stand being alone!.

So you would recommend recording the interaction when I do breakup with her? Before I do it I’m definitely going to warn my therapist like I said. I will also let family and friends know as well

[Cat Familiar]

Are you planning on breaking up with her in a public place? Having witnesses?

[Thedubman123]

officially broke up with her. She went absolutely crazy. Had to change my number but it’s done. I’m free and to be honest it’s a really liberating feeling.

[Rev]

officially broke up with her. She went absolutely crazy. Had to change my number but it’s done. I’m free and to be honest it’s a really liberating feeling.

That's a good sign... some advice that you didn't ask for per se - keep your guard up in the sense that the euphoria will settle - and this is likely not the last you have heard from her.

Stay in touch and be well.

Peace and light to you.

Rev

[yeeter]

officially broke up with her. She went absolutely crazy. Had to change my number but it’s done. I’m free and to be honest it’s a really liberating feeling.

 

Now, knowing the fear leading up to the breakup, and all the scenarios playing through your head of how it could go bad, the reminder is to STAY broken up!

Dont let her suck you back in.  (just saying that can happen sometimes).  Move on with life.  Go no contact if at all possible never to interact again.