Is it him or me

[tracymay]

Sometimes such as when I read the stop walking on eggshells book, I begin to wonder if my partner has bpd or I do.  I can find things that seem like me and others that are him.  This is very confusing to me.  I feel guilty about the things that seem like me and mad at the things that I know are him and I can't seem to change.  I feel like leaving a lot but it feels like that would be a lot of work on my part and if things are my fault what good would leaving do.  I have promised myself if I leave him I will not have another relationship.  My late husband and I were married 40 plus years and then he passed suddenly 5 years ago.  I became involved with E in 2017 and it seemed fine until I moved in and it has been a roller coaster ride since then.  People would tell me to just leave but in some crazy way I care for him and I know I have a lot of faults as well.  I see a therapist and she respects my decisions but I know she feels I should get out of here.  I need help on how to handle him and to figure out if a lot of this is my fault.  I have always had a guilt issue so that complicates things when I decide to leave and within an hour he starts to beg me and cries for me to come back.  I fall for it each time.  I guess I am very confused and wonder if anyone else feels like this is partly their fault and partly your partners fault.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Football2000]

I guess I am very confused and wonder if anyone else feels like this is partly their fault and partly your partners fault.

I would think it's better to say that it's partly your responsibility and partly your partner's responsibility, rather than fault. I think it's impossible in a relationship for one person to be perfect and another to be 100% responsible, or at fault if you will.

Maybe you do have some symptoms of BPD. Whether people are actually diagnosed as BPD is more a matter of whether they have enough symptoms in enough severity to be clinical.

I think you need to look at specific issues and see what your role is and what your partner's role is. Even many of the techniques for talking with someone with BPD like emotional validation and direct honesty like SET are good to use with "normal" people as well.

[Harri]

Hi there and

I like what Football said about responsibility rather than blame.  It is true that no one can be 100% to blame or responsible.  We all have a part we play in each of our relationships.

As to whether you have BPD traits, remember that the traits associated with BPD are things that non BPD people do as well.  What makes it a disorder is when the frequency and severity of the behaviors interferes with functioning and relationships. 

Many of us are here to learn new and more functional ways to communicate with our loved one so you are not alone.

What sort of things do you find most troublesome?

[Brooklyn1974]

Tracymay, what was your marriage like to your late husband?  Did you have similar issues to the relationship you are in now?