DD 20 uBPD in jail

[PeaceMom]

Haven’t posted in a while as things were calmer bc DD has been living on her own. We see her 1x a week which is usually triggering as she is always like a firecracker when she comes over. We got a call at 5am that she was arrested for violating a protective order that she stay away from exBF’s family home. She’s in a city jail. We are both very triggered as she’s called us 10 times begging for us to come to her rescue.
Nothing seems to really teach her lessons.
The time between her impulse and REACTION is so very small that I see very little prefrontal cortex operation.
I’m learning that for us (parents) :Sacrifice (in our time, money, mental effort, problem solving) = resentment building = anger erupting .
We aren’t rushing to “save” or rescue her, but we need direction. Any wisdom here in the group? Thanks as I’m muddled...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

PeaceMom, has your DD20 indicated that bail has been set? Is that what she wants? It might not happen until Monday morning.

Will she have an arraignment? The judge might then set bail or might release her on her own recognizance.

What does she want you to do?

(I agree you should not rush to save her.)

[PeaceMom]

I’m sure she’d like us to get involved and make calls, but we are not. She is actually fairly competent in these legal situations. It’s honestly like her brain goes offline in her impulsivity then kinda goes back online. We are trying not to fatalize all the implications of this-losing job (very likely), no ability to pay rent (likely), no ability to pay for lawyer (likely and she can get public defender), becoming suicidal (likely), huge fines, jail time, on and on. These things are all extremely plausible. So this is where radical acceptance comes in= this all is scary and terrible AND maybe she will make changes AND we can choose not to get involved.
I’m trying to be very mindful and the calm in the midst of chaos.

[wavewatcher]

Hi PM, I've been wondering how you were doing.

She is actually fairly competent in these legal situations.

Is she still in jail or did she use her competency to get herself out?
I think that observation on your part, that she has the ability to get herself out of the results of her impulsive decisions, is a good place to start.
As so often happens with our DD's is that they look to place blame everywhere but within; its too painful and upsetting. My own experience is that if the result of their behavior is negative for them they take their frustrations out on us and somehow it becomes our fault. "If you had just done 'XYZ' ...!" 

My suggestion is do what is best for you and your husband first, whatever that looks like. As is said so often on this site, we are as important as our loved ones with BPD.  It's so easy to get sucked into their rabbit hole so I'm glad you are staying mindful and calm; definitely not an easy feat in the chaos!

Good luck, and please keep us updated.

Best to you,
Wavewatcher

[wendydarling]

PM sorry to hear this. Gagrl and WW give great advice.

Nothing seems to really teach her lessons.

Is frustrating. One thing DD said to me was she had to experience what she did to get to the point where it was no longer tolerable - she was almost 27. PM you are doing all the right things, you are making changes for you.

The time between her impulse and REACTION is so very small

can DD acknowledge this?

How has it landed PM?

WDx

[Swimmy55]

You are doing the right thing by not saving her.  I know it is heartbreaking. Stand strong.

[PeaceMom]

An update-she was able to get herself out later that same day. She called and said “ya’ll will need to come get me at 5:00”. I responded “I’m so sorry but we can’t do that, maybe you can Uber”. She then hung up.
I’m sure she texted the next day. We’ve been very careful NOT to point out all the obvious mistakes that landed her there and that this will cause. It is kind of interesting that most of her huge errors in judgement and destructive impulsivity happen every 3 months at the end of her Depo birth control shot. I know whacked out hormones can literally make women act crazy... hm just another complication piece in her puzzle.
I’m finally in the NEA BPD family support 12 week online group and its great hearing real life examples from the folks in group.
I grieve what life could have been like for us, I grieve each and every mistake she makes, I grieve how it spills over and burdens us, I grieve the future. I grieve that I have to and am radically accept this tulmultuos life AND I experience joy, curiosity and gratitude in the world around me daily. (See how I used the “and”? Marsha Linehan taught me that!)

[livednlearned]

PeaceMom, I wandered over here to check in and was happy to see you here, tho wishing it were easier circumstances. Holding steady is so hard, no? I remember a familiar jail scenario in Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. As hard as it was, you made the decision to let DD20 experience the effect of her cause. 

I'm so glad you managed to get into the 12 week NEA-BPD class. I have such a hard time using the word "but" after learning from Marsha Linehan and friends here, too haha

Is DD20 showing signs of sorting things out on her own (job, rent, legal fees)?

[Breakwater Bill]

I am not sure where you are, but California has a new Mental Health Diversion that will allow a Defendant to enter diversion and once successfully completed ends up not being convicted.