help with communication

[discouraged mom]

I have an adult daughter who is married, is pregnant and living abroad.We have a close relationship but periodically she becomes angry and frustrated by events in her life. When she wants to talk about her problems, often her anger suddenly becomes directed at me. She becomes, nasty, disrespectful and often states she never wants to speak to me again, that I am mean and she frequently threatens some extreme action. Accuses me of making things worse and that I don't listen.  She wants an apology and would like me to grovel. I used to become very upset and worried by her threats but in reality she usually makes smart decisions and doesn't follow through with the extremes. So I have detached from that type of worry. The turn from explaining her problem to ferocious anger at me happens so quickly that I frequently react poorly. She has had this type behavior since late teens. I'm discouraged because I can't seem to control how I react well enough. I'd like to be as helpful as I can and not encourage her poor patterns of behavior. She never exhibits this type of behavior or communication at work or other social situations, reserves it for family and spouse. In fact at work she gets along very well with coworkers and clients and is generally well liked. I need help to control my knee jerk reactions and establish better ways of communicating with her.

Discouraged mom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi discouraged mom and welcome  

I hope we can change discouraged to encouraged mom  , there is much to learn how 'we' can make positive changes by how we communicate with our sensitive children, you are not alone.  

When in a difficult and unfamiliar situation we can react rather than respond, we get triggered, by them getting triggered!  So what's happening? Many of the communication tools and skills available here at BPDFamily are DBT based, exactly the skills and tools we want our loved ones to learn and use. Learning DBT improves all our relationships, it's a win-win.

You say your DD (dear daughter) comes to you with her problems, often when people do this they just want to know someone is listening and they are being heard (not offering solutions) and are seeking validation. This in itself can help the person keep balance, feel soothed.

You mention you react, do let us know if this helpful? Respond Don't React

When I joined I skimmed through the resources here and found those that jumped out and spoke to me, most applicable for my situation. It's a good prioritising exercise and a way to take is slowly for me was key.

If you've not already, have a look at (pinned to the top of parents board here) HOW TO USE THIS SITE

And our Community Built Knowledge Base

Are you finding things are becoming more difficult during her pregnancy?  It can be a difficult time at the best of times, as mothers know.

WDx