Letting go

[Choosinghope]

Hi all,

Hope you're surviving the pandemic and all the accompanying stress. This post isn't really to ask for advice or to work through something. It's just to feel my feelings. I was trying to talk to my H yesterday, and he wasn't really understanding, though he was trying. He suggested that I talk to a different friend, but this forum seemed like a better bet for people to understand.

It's still only July, and yesterday I started panicking about the holiday season (Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years) and how much that's going to hurt again. I've worked very hard to maintain independent relationships with my siblings, but that's just not really working well. One sister is extremely prickly and has inherited my mom's suspicious nature, and she really doesn't like my H. A different sister hasn't returned any texts or calls for a month. The other sister, who actually lives closest to me, I've been asking to go visit her and her daughters for a while now, and she keeps saying no. My dad I've lost trust in, and just don't have any desire to communicate with him for a while. When I started my journey to break from my mom, have boundaries, stand up for myself, and become my own person, I knew that things would be tough. I experienced my first time going through all major holidays and birthdays without celebrating with my family in some way. It was devastating, but I naively has holding on to the belief that next year would be different. Somehow, it would all get sorted out with time.

Well, it is next year. Thanksgiving will be here before I know it, and Christmas and so forth. And this year, I have finally let go of any hope that things will somehow "get sorted out" in time for a nice family holiday. I'm not welcome in my parents' home, they are not welcome in my home, and my mom has told me that she has no desire to spend any more time with my H. Who am I kidding? Family holidays are a thing of the past. Family get togethers are a thing of the past. And yet, I am failing at maintaining independent relationships. I don't know if that's my mom's work or just the way my family is, but I now realize that more things might have to break than I originally anticipated in order for me to be healthy and independent. What hurts the most is the shift from being willing to let go of just my mom to the harder reality of letting go of my whole FOO. I want to be the little girl and kick and scream about how unfair everything is. But, I'm an adult, so I am just trying to feel my feelings and be sad.

My H was so puzzled about why I am panicking about holidays that are months away. It's not the holiday. It's the accompanying pain and the further mental reinforcement that things won't magically get better this year or any other year. I am sad and feel such a gaping loss in my life. I love my H, our life together, my job, and our friends. And yet these last few weeks of acceptance of my true loss has really overshadowed the good. I think what's changed is that I've given up my harbored hopes of a happy future with everyone. I look into the future with my FOO and just see more hurt and frustration and unreciprocated effort.

So what is my next step? I'm not sure. I feel like the longer I've been on this journey, the more I've lost and the more I've gained. What I know for sure is that I am a better, stronger, healthier person than I was a year ago at this time. I am thankful for the growth, even with its pain. I am thankful for the life that I have built independent of my FOO. And I think that someday, I will be thankful for this ability to let go and separate from my whole family. Not today though. Today I'm just sad.

[zachira]

You are not alone in finding that standing up for yourself with one family member, asking for what any normal human being would expect which is to be treated with kindness and respect, has led to an escalation in mistreatment by other family members. Today you are feeling sad about such a big loss. It is a life long heartbreak to be mistreated by our FOO who are the people expected to love us unconditionally and support us in the hardest of times. I feel like I am walking in your shoes when you say you thought that this year things would be better. I too have agonized about the loss of holidays with family members, even when the holidays are months away. I thought that when my mother died with BPD last year things would get better, and it is the complete opposite. I am on the verge of divorcing the whole family because of how badly I have been treated, especially by my siblings. What you are describing is the terrible heartbreak and sadness of losing your FOO when you insist on having healthier relationships. I am so glad that you are happily married and have wonderful friends. I have often heard that when we have a FOO that mistreats us, we have to create our own healthy family outside of our FOO. I want to give you a big hug, and tell you I understand the shell shock you are in: how heartbroken and sad you are about how your FOO is treating you, and the heartbreak of facing that you may never be able to have the kind of loving healthy relationships you would like to have with your FOO. I think the hardest part of all of this, is realizing that your FOO cannot adjust to changes; anybody that steps out of their expected role and wants to create a healthier family environment, is a huge threat to all/many of the other family members who do not want anything to change.
We are here to listen and support you. We have many members on this site who have similar challenges when their own FOO.  

[pursuingJoy]

Choosinghope,

Just want you to know that I read your post and I'm sitting with you. I get it. I've been through it, and my H is going through it now. It takes courage to feel these painful feelings. Big hugs  It's going to get better.

When you're ready, and if it would help, I can share some steps I've taken that have helped me find joy in the holidays. For now, I'm just here with you. 

pj

[Choosinghope]

Thank you both for your encouragement. PJ, I'd love to hear any advice you have to offer!

As an update, my maternal grandmother is in the hospital with a brain bleed, and it's really not sounding good. I found out yesterday from my sister who sent on the group message my mom sent to the rest of my sisters. Today my dad has been forwarding the group message updates to me. It literally would have taken my mom 2 seconds to add me to the message, and yet, she didn't.

I am struggling today with just how painful it is to be intentionally left out of information about my dying grandmother, on top of the fear for her life. I know that my mom is disordered, but honestly, how low can she be? Where does it end? What could I have possibly done to her that justifies in her brain being so cruel? I've dealt with a lot over the last year, but for some reason, this has devastated me in ways that her hateful words never did. I guess I'm just struggling to wrap my head around something so horrible coming from my own mother. I know I should know better by now, but there it is.

[pursuingJoy]

I know that my mom is disordered, but honestly, how low can she be? Where does it end?

This really sucks, and it's not ok. Intentionally excluding you from a critical family chat is a really hurtful thing to do.

I'm really glad your dad is sending the updates. Does he usually go around your mom like that? With all the trouble she went to to leave you out, I imagine she'd be upset if she knew.

We'll talk holiday ideas later. I'd rather make sure you're ok.

[zachira]

I didn't think any of us could ever be prepared for how a disordered person can really up their cruelty to a level we never could anticipate when the disordered person is under stress, especially when a close family member is dying or has died. You are not the kind of person your mother is and would never treat anybody like she treats you. Her thoughtlessness is not about you; it is about your mother's distress and need to take it out on somebody. The logic behind how she is treating you, does not take away the pain. Take some time to sit quietly with your sadness, and let the tears flow. You will likely feel better after a good cry which can be helpful in giving yourself the self compassion you need right now. 

[I Am Redeemed]

Choosinghope,

I'm sorry about your grandmother. That has to be very hard, and my thoughts are with you.

Knowing your mother is disordered is not enough to stem the emotional pain that comes from her treatment of you. She is not emotionally mature enough to set aside her grudges when it comes to the critical health of a family member, and that is truly sad and I'm sorry that this is what you are dealing with in your life.

It sounds like you may be the only member of your family that has true awareness of the dysfunctional dynamics going on, not just with your mother, but with the family as a whole. I can relate. Though that position can ultimately be empowering, it is also lonely. I'm in the middle of it as well. I have ups and downs, good moments and bad moments. I think the not-so-distant holiday season may just be triggering some powerful recognition of how deeply affected your family is and has been by the dysfunction, and now that is compounded with your grandmother's health crisis.

It's really good that you are coming here and getting these feelings out. Journaling can also help. Sometimes, though, it's just helpful to know that there are others who understand and who have walked similar paths. We have. We're here and we're listening and sitting with you while you go through this.