Rosebud was his sled

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I think most of us with BPD parents have a lost childhood to mourn.  Its really only since my forties that I've understood that, and I thought to look up online a little toy truck I bought for myself, with my own money, age 7.  I considered buying one - they're a few dollars in mint condition, but I don't believe in cluttering up my life with stuff.

However, awhile later I decided to look up another truck, this one given to me for Christmas age 4, and then a little jeep I had when I was three.  My BPD mother has frequently denied my memory of events that happened when I was young, and that's made it very important for me to reassure myself that my memory is accurate.  I have since expanded this, and now have an image directory full of virtual memorabilia from all stages of my life - Not just toys but houses I've lived in, books, cars (real ones), a particular clock my best friend owned, places I've been.  My memory is actually very good, from a very early age, but even more than the confirmation of memory, these artifacts let me connect to my younger self, to be kind to that lost, confused, lonely boy, to offer the kind of care and nurture that was so badly missing at the time.

The funny thing is, I learned this from a long ago girlfriend.  When she was young her father all her stuff, put in the ditch in front of their house and burned it.  In adulthood she made it her mission to get it all again.  She was (I later figured out) BPD herself, so the relationship didn't last.  The lesson did though, and it's a really positive exercise, I recommend it to anyone.

Ironically, the one thing I haven't been able to positively identify out there on the internet is my sled...

[stellaris]

I think most of us with BPD parents have a lost childhood to mourn.  Its really only since my forties that I've understood that, and I thought to look up online a little toy truck I bought for myself, with my own money, age 7.  I considered buying one - they're a few dollars in mint condition, but I don't believe in cluttering up my life with stuff.

However, awhile later I decided to look up another truck, this one given to me for Christmas age 4, and then a little jeep I had when I was three.  My BPD mother has frequently denied my memory of events that happened when I was young, and that's made it very important for me to reassure myself that my memory is accurate.  I have since expanded this, and now have an image directory full of virtual memorabilia from all stages of my life - Not just toys but houses I've lived in, books, cars (real ones), a particular clock my best friend owned, places I've been.  My memory is actually very good, from a very early age, but even more than the confirmation of memory, these artifacts let me connect to my younger self, to be kind to that lost, confused, lonely boy, to offer the kind of care and nurture that was so badly missing at the time.

The funny thing is, I learned this from a long ago girlfriend.  When she was young her father all her stuff, put in the ditch in front of their house and burned it.  In adulthood she made it her mission to get it all again.  She was (I later figured out) BPD herself, so the relationship didn't last.  The lesson did though, and it's a really positive exercise, I recommend it to anyone.

Ironically, the one thing I haven't been able to positively identify out there on the internet is my sled...