Adult Child Who Can't Manage but has Child

[EdithRose]

  I walk on eggshells all the time with my adult daughter.  Her anger is off the charts and she no longer hides it from her young child.  I never know "who" I will get when I see her.   I worry about them both, but I have difficulty in setting boundries because I feel the need to protect my grandchild.  My granddaughter is used as a pawn.  My daughter and I  have been estranged a couple of times.  She won't go for counseling because she thinks she is just "different", a bit "weird", or that it is others who need help, not her. She lives from trauma to trauma.  There is a constant push/pull, "I hate you, why don't you spend more time at my place?" with me especially.    I admit that I have rescued her too many times.  I have enabled.  I am at a loss of what to do in many situations because it is not just my adult child I must consider.  I know the importance of the caretaker taking care of themselves in order to take care of others, but it is so difficult.  And, involving authorities?  Forget that!  It takes a terrible event for them to make a move anyway.  The system is broken. 

I feel so alone at times.  It helps to  hear from others.  Thanks for "listening".

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Hey 

I'm sorry to hear it sounds like you're going through a really rough time, understandably your pwBPD having their own young child really complicates the "tough love" scenarios - which you obviously already recognize.

You could consider possibly validating her anxiety, while playing to her "it's everyone else who is crazy" canard, by offering that if she'll go to a simple "Parents Anonymous" (for parents with anger/violence issues) or therapist/counsellor (neither can diagnose anything, if that's her concern - they are just listeners and advisors)...then you'll also go to one. She may feel less targeted and "different" if she thinks it's just something that you're both doing - and she can even kid herself that she's just attending her appointments because she wants to see you attend yours...but she may end up getting some actual good advice, etc.