Feeling ostracized by family after going NC with uNPD and uBPD/NPD parents

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The recent death of a distant cousin made me think about what my role is in my family. 

Since going NC with my father four years ago, after he told me that he didn't trust a person as horrible as me, I've had extremely limited contact with that side of the family, even after I've made efforts to call them and drive two hours to see them.  One of the few things one cousin said was a son's responsibility was to care for their parent(s) regardless of what they've done.

On my mother's side, it's a similar story.  I've had LC with my mother for the past two years after she attempted to end my marriage, threaten suicide if I didn't leave my wife, and physically assaulted my wife and son (on top of forty years of verbal abuse and manipulation against me). 

Because of the current situation, my family sees her as the victim, and the limited contact I have with my family on her side usually consists of my relatives giving me a guilt trip for not taking care of her.

Both of my parents are healthy and active (in their sixties), and my therapist says that if they are neither in a nursing home nor in a wheel chair, the only people who are responsible for their well-being are themselves.  This makes sense to me but not to my relatives?

Has anyone shared a similar experience?

Part of me wants to maintain a relationship with my relatives, as I grew up as an only child and usually lived far away from them (so I was pretty lonely).  I currently feel that loneliness but don't want to have relationships in which feel guilty all the time, either.

How do others cope with this?

Thanks

[alphabeta]

The recent death of a distant cousin made me think about what my role is in my family. 

Since going NC with my father four years ago, after he told me that he didn't trust a person as horrible as me, I've had extremely limited contact with that side of the family, even after I've made efforts to call them and drive two hours to see them.  One of the few things one cousin said was a son's responsibility was to care for their parent(s) regardless of what they've done.

On my mother's side, it's a similar story.  I've had LC with my mother for the past two years after she attempted to end my marriage, threaten suicide if I didn't leave my wife, and physically assaulted my wife and son (on top of forty years of verbal abuse and manipulation against me). 

Because of the current situation, my family sees her as the victim, and the limited contact I have with my family on her side usually consists of my relatives giving me a guilt trip for not taking care of her.

Both of my parents are healthy and active (in their sixties), and my therapist says that if they are neither in a nursing home nor in a wheel chair, the only people who are responsible for their well-being are themselves.  This makes sense to me but not to my relatives?

Has anyone shared a similar experience?

Part of me wants to maintain a relationship with my relatives, as I grew up as an only child and usually lived far away from them (so I was pretty lonely).  I currently feel that loneliness but don't want to have relationships in which feel guilty all the time, either.

How do others cope with this?

Thanks

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you as always when you describe how you are being treated by your family and how that hurts.There are no words to describe the kind of pain and sorrow you are experiencing. Understanding that your family members are furious at you for not playing your designated dysfunctional roles in the family does not repair all the sadness and distress. It also hurts that other family members join in enabling the parents who mistreat you. I have found Dr. Ramani's extended series about narcissists and those who enable them on youtube extremely helpful in deciding how I will proceed in the future in dealing with my family members and those people who enable their ongoing abusive behaviors.
We are in a small club of people that have to distance ourselves from family members because of how badly they treat us. I recently had a long talk with a woman I admire who went NC with her sister with BPD many years ago, and established healthy boundaries with her mother who enabled her sister. She is the only person I know that has truly moved on from having a totally dysfunctional family. This woman told me to just keep crying until I can cry no more. She said she went to therapy when she was twenty two and all she did was cry the whole session. The NC with her sister no longer bothers her, and she had a loving relationship with her mother until her mom passed away. I think we need to cry until we don't need to cry any more.
Everybody's situation is different, and time will tell whether you decide to go NC, which can be temporary or permanent. Just know that you do not have to decide everything all at once. I know I was driving myself crazy just wishing all the pain and sorrow would end until I decided to live every day one day at time with the goal of getting up each day to be the best person I can be for that day.
You are extremely brave to face the pain your family is causing you while somehow very different from them in that you are doing whatever it takes to have the kind of life you deserve. Glad to hear you have a good therapist to help in this painful journey and you feel comfortable reaching out to us at you have other times. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it may not seem like it right now.