I left Part 2

[RestlessWanderer]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345598.0

Thanks RC

Living through situations like this day in and day out is very challenging to my sanity. It’s really hard to understand how something like my last example can go upside down so quickly and stay that way despite my best efforts. And now she Is talking like I’ve been sabotaging all her efforts to salvage our marriage. The constant tension and blaming for our troubles push me away and keeps me in a negative head space that makes me act more and more distant.
To add another layer to the story, she's having some health issues that are a bit mysterious. She’s been to the doctor but hasn’t been given a diagnosis. She’s being fatalistic and says she’s not going to do anything about it, she has “no reason to fight” for her life. She blames me for giving her so mush stress and giving her no help causing her to put more and more unnecessary strain on her body (which is still suffering from the injuries due to the October accident).
Despite all the tools, reading, and advice it is freakin hard to go through this over and over again and place all of her behaviors and words into the context of mental illness. Upon reflection it gets easier, but as it’s happening it is very hard to separate it. It almost seems like she is trying harder and hard to blame me for everything all the while she is deteriorating.

A couple of nights ago I sat and wept over the longing and sorrow for the son we lost, the challenging life we are creating for our surviving son, and the pressure of everything together.

If it weren’t for therapy, friends/family, and the support of this forum, I don’t know what I would do.

[Cat Familiar]

Has she always been so volatile or is this a new development? Or is it worse than before?

Did she have a head injury from the accident?

I ask this because I had a concussion a few years ago and even after I recovered from the most obvious symptoms, there were some long lasting issues that lingered. There are a lot of new experimental ways to treat TBIs. I had very good success with Neurofeedback and nutritional supplements.

To address how this impacts you and your son, I think you are doing the healthy thing by creating a separate life for yourself. At this point, living in such close proximity, and during the pandemic, it may not feel very separate at the moment.

Mental illness or not, it’s not healthy to be the punching bag of a disordered partner and certainly not a good atmosphere for your son.

You sound like a very nice guy who wants to do his best to navigate these choppy waters. Perhaps a good focus is to put on the life vests for you and your son, and offer one to your wife. Whether or not she makes use of your help is up to her.

It’s very difficult to emotionally detach from a severely damaged partner. And it’s a process that doesn’t happen all at once. If you honor your own values and keep on doing what you think is right, you are doing everything you can.

[RestlessWanderer]

Cat,
Things have been volatile for a long time, and pretty regularly for 4 years. The longest peaceful streak we’ve had was during the first 2-3 months after the accident. She wasn’t diagnosed with a concussion, but that could be because of the severity of her other injuries. I’ve spent my career in sports medicine so I am very familiar with TBI and CTE (the brain injury common in football players). She’s told me that she has had many concussions in her life, so CTE has been in the back of my mind for some time, even before the latest accident.
She has been making comments about being better off dead, no will to live, suicide plan, etc. for several years now. I don’t know what to respond anymore. Especially because she blames me. The way she’s handling this latest illness gives me little help of her getting treatment for anything at all.
I continue to just do the best I can and try to maintain peace for my son above all else.

[Radcliff]

I like what Cat Familiar said about putting your life vest and your son's, and offering one to your wife.  You've probably heard of the Serenity Prayer, which I'll write from memory, hoping I get it right: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I have found that to be profoundly helpful in dealing with a partner with mental illness.  It's very discouraging to have a partner who doesn't see happiness as possible, let alone blames it all on us.  But we cannot control that.  A great place to focus is on taking care of your son and finding joy with him.  Remind us how old he is?  What things do you and he enjoy doing together?

RC

[RestlessWanderer]

Thanks RC. I like that prayer too, it is a good mantra to keep. I try hard to not let the s**t roll down hill and be short with my son when her disregulation has my emotions frayed. The more I can keep the peace the better for all of us.
Our son is 7, we do all sorts of activities, ranging from legos to tag, hiking to play sword fighting, swimming to watching movies. I only wish he loved baseball like I do. Regardless I love that I’ve spent so much time with him this summer.

[Radcliff]

7 is a great age.  There's something special about every age for children, but when they were 7 my kids still laughed at my jokes   I could be a stand up comedian for second graders.  OK, maybe first graders  

How have things been going between you and your wife in the last few days?

RC

[RestlessWanderer]

Things have been going ok. Most daylight hours are spent with just my son. My wife typically wants to rest due to insomnia and chronic pain from her injuries from the October accident and am accident 18 years ago. She’s also been working on a paper for her degree (BTW she blames me for not being able to finish this any sooner). Late afternoon my son and I will go over to her house and have dinner, watch a movie, and play with legos or something similar.
There hasn’t been much fighting, mainly because I haven’t been talking back. My wife will usually find something to pin on me and rant about, or will get irritated if I offer anything contrary to her point of view. Or a combo of the two.
 For example, yesterday she was reminding me that we are still in the midst of a pandemic and questioning my hand washing practices. I tell her that I am always careful and wash or use sanitizer frequently. She scoffs and says something about me offering to go to work to move some equipment. I’ve been working remotely for months and have gone in only twice, once in June and again just this Monday. I offered something along the lines of “going in to work is much safer than going to Walmart” (before anyone can go onsite we must go through a questionnaire and call a hotline if we answer yes to anything, masks are required at all times and 6’ spacing is mandatory, all of which are followed too). I meant this as a comparison of what she deems acceptable since she has no problem with me going to the store. However she took it as an argumentative statement: “I know you are but what am I” is how she classified it. I disengaged immediately and didn’t even try to clarify as that usually escalates things more. She stomped around for a while and grumbled to herself but things stayed calm.
So, no real fighting, but plenty of blaming me for our situation, her declining state, and the threat to our son’s mental health. So, as long as I don’t add fuel to the fire things are usually at this level of tension. I will give her credit for always being a sweet and caring mother. She is a great mom and great with him. She channels her crap towards me.
I’m still not sleeping in our bedroom and either sleep in the living room or back at my house (easy to do since they’re next door). I’m sure this is an insult to her and adds to the tension, but I don’t feel that I should be going back to that yet if at all.
She hasn’t brought up the couples therapy again, and I don’t think that it will be any more than her just getting validation of how I’m ruining everything. I won’t consider going until she takes her own mental health seriously and sees a therapist regularly without canceling.
Sorry, that brief response to you RC turned into quite a long one. At least it offers a glimpse into our daily life.

RW

[kells76]

Hello RestlessWanderer, nice to meet you!

I'm popping in from over on the Family Law board, because I noticed you're moving towards a different family arrangement.

"Hope for the best, plan for the worst" is often a motto that comes up over there. It's good to hear that your son's mom does well with him when she's present. Ultimately that's best for your son.

That being said, have you started documenting the care you provide for your son? Sounds like he might be sleeping at "your" place...? Did I get that right? And that she is often resting during the day, while you provide 100% care? Best case scenario, you'll never need this info. If things take a turn south, though, I'd HIGHLY recommend that you have a record (emails to self -- safe/private account, Google doc safe/private, hard copy journal safe/private...) of your caretaking. Stuff like "who feeds the kids, does their laundry, helps w/ HW, follows up on chores, takes to activities/school, puts to bed" etc on a day by day basis etc really important if custody becomes an issue down the road.

It sounds like you're trying to not add fuel to the fire while you guys are in this "limbo" situation, so kudos to you for that as well. Your son will benefit for sure from lowered tensions.

Let me know if you have more "plan for the worst" questions, we can help you out;

kells76

[once removed]

For some time my wife has been feeling that stress (which she attributes mostly to me) has been affecting her health.

three things hold true:

1. you love a difficult partner
2. you love a difficult partner who doesnt deal well with stress, and will be more difficult with stress
3. you love a difficult partner who will have outbursts, and over emote/exaggerate...youre the best, youre the worst.

big picture. regarding what happened, this is less about what you did right or wrong in the moment; you handled it pretty well.

if your relationship improved 50% starting tomorrow, you would still have these moments.

think in terms of fire prevention rather than putting out each fire. you cant necessarily do the latter, and sometimes it makes it worse.

sometimes you can make it better. sometimes you can make it worse.

ideally though, if youre thinking in terms of "fire prevention", building an overall validating environment in your relationship, building trust, romance, love, intimacy, these moments become fewer and further between, and you get a knack for what works best (if anything) in the context of your relationship when they happen. and when they happen (and they will happen), they happen, but not in a way that continues a steady trajectory of breaking down your relationship. ideally, you can talk about these things (in a time of calm), you can work to get on the same page, you can, together, set boundaries about how the two of you interact and treat each other (she will never adhere to this perfectly, thats the nature of emotional outbursts).

none of this happens over night. it starts with stopping the bleeding. then you have to rebuild on a new, healthier foundation, slowly, over time. its not about talking her down when she loses it (by that points, its usually too late), its about leading a new way.

youre doing well; keep at it.

note: most of this applies to actively trying to improve things. that will be difficult to do in her state, and i understand that may not be the path you want to go down at this point if ever.

[RestlessWanderer]

kells76, you make some great points. I will start making a record of those things. My wife has a photographic memory, as well as a memory occasionally distorted by BPD, so creating a record will be helpful. As you say, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, especially since I can be a bit forgetful.
OnceRemoved,
I don’t know how to do things much better than I already do. I try to shape my actions by what I think I’m seeing between the lines. But time and time again I just can’t do enough. I feel that even if I was perfect she would find something wrong and tear me down. A great example was earlier this summer: we had planted a vegetable garden and she was telling me that I needed to do a better job caring for it. So, I started going out there first thing in the morning and working it until about mid day. Then I’d go back out in the evening and work it until dark. These were her specific instructions. I did this for about a week and one evening as I was heading out she complained that that’s all I ever do. I had to laugh at that one. I knew that even if I did exactly what she said she would flip it around.
As far as talking about things when she’s calm, I’ve tried that too. That usually just quickly brings an end to the calm and triggers her all over again. This behavior leads me to think she may have some NPD traits as well. Validation for both partners is important but I rarely feel that I’m listened to at all. This leads me to talk with friends and family. Which in turn leads to increased tension between us. I find it very hard to express romance or intimacy due to this. Which creates another problem altogether.
And our dysfunctional cycle repeats.

[Radcliff]

kells76 and once removed have some great advice.  I can relate to the "darned if you do, darned if you don't" situation.  Your vegetable garden story is an interesting experiment, but not likely the best way to be effective with her (I'm saying this as someone who's been in a similar situation and approached it much the way you did).  If you end up in another "vegetable garden" situation, how might you approach it differently?

RC

[RestlessWanderer]

RC, I don’t know that I’d do anything differently. I heard what she had been wanting done, and thanks to quarantine, I finally had an opportunity to take care of at least one of those things. She was right, taking care of a garden is a lot of work. However, I’d figured that even if I was able to do the things she had been asking, she would be upset that I wasn’t spending enough time inside. That’s exactly what happened.

[RestlessWanderer]

It’s really hard to see how the tools can help at all when so many seemingly small challenges bring on disregulation, more time is spent blaming me for causing them than finding a solution, and there is zero opportunity to have a dialogue. Calm or disregulated, many discussions quickly escalate and the only way to keep from making them worse is by not saying anything at all. And this makes her feel isolated and me feel frustrated. It’s a never ending cycle.
Some of my responsibility lies in some of the things that she has asked me to do but I forget to. In some cases she has said that she will do some of the things so I leave them to her, then she gets upset that I haven’t helped. Some times she has decided unilaterally that she will take care of things, and then complains that she has to do them.
I just can’t figure out how to be better at avoiding upsetting her, let alone deescalating when she is triggered. I often feel utterly hopeless regarding our marital problems.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m a bit confused. This thread is titled “I left Part 2.”  In Part 1 you talked about leaving the relationship and moving into the mobile home on the property. Now you’re saying you feel hopeless about your marital problems. This leads me to think that you’re currently undecided about whether or not to try and repair things with your wife.

[RestlessWanderer]

Cat Familiar, I am very confused too. We have been working to maintain civility for our sons sake. One day she promised to start couples therapy if I was willing. I never told her that I would. She has expressed how much she loves me and doesn’t want to live without me. My fear of upsetting and triggering her has kept me from talking to her about how I feel. Since the last act of violence, throwing the rock at me, I have been keeping my distance. My boundaries live within me as any expression of the impact of her anger or especially her physical violence is met with a very skilled way of blaming me and placing thoughts of doubt in my head. I have had the courage to tell her that those factors are a major part of our problems. But she seems to want to minimize those things and put it all on me.
Another layer of complication is based on the ongoing legal process related to the car accident. Which apparently was completely screwed up by the firm we hired to represent us. It seems we now have to start all over again and get two separate firms to represent her and our son’s wrongful death suit independently. I’m going along with her idea that it’s vital to keep up appearances to not make it seem like any relationship problems played a role in the accident.
So with all that going on, my energy is focused on keeping my son in a good place, maintaining my mental health, and doing my job well. When I talk about validation troubles, feeling hopeless about using the tools to try to improve our day to day life, dealing with ambush scenarios, etc. it’s because I feel like I have so many balls in the air. It’s all I can do to keep from being completely overwhelmed.
I still love her and still see the amazing person that she is. But I am keeping the acts of violence present in my memory so that I don’t sweep them under the rug like I have before. Much of what I’m trying to do in keeping the peace and getting better at managing the relentless storm is for my son’s sake. It seems easier to do that by staying close to my son, and letting him also be with his mom. Considering all the other things happening simultaneously that require us to be tied together still,  leaving her to deal with them alone as well as the emotional upheaval of a separation or divorce would likely make our world exponentially worse.
Unfortunately, this is all very very complicated and extremely difficult to manage without BPD. But again and again the BPD traits and behaviors wreak havoc on any chance of keeping things smooth.
I can see how anyone looking in from the outside would have a hard time understanding what is going on. I try my best to compartmentalize the issues to simplify how I deal with them. The BPDfamily forums have been a great help in giving me perspective and honing my skills. This place has become one of the valuable refuges I can come to in keeping things together. My questions and threads on here are sometimes all over the place. But that is merely a reflection of everything that I’m dealing with and needing help with to do so successfully.

I hope that my thoughts and words came across clearly here. It’s so hard to try to squeeze them into a small space.

If you read this far, and were able to follow, I want to give you my thanks and gratitude. If you have anything to share or give me to reflect on I am even more grateful.
Thank you all again for your support and camaraderie.

[JNChell]

Hey, the tools are hard. They can really suck at times. I’m going to chime in here and ask about your childhood. The tools don’t work if the wrench doesn’t fit the nut.

What happened to you as a child? My experience was bad so I’ll understand.

[RestlessWanderer]

Hey, the tools are hard. They can really suck at times. I’m going to chime in here and ask about your childhood. The tools don’t work if the wrench doesn’t fit the nut.

What happened to you as a child? My experience was bad so I’ll understand.

Hi there JNChell,
I had a great childhood. I lived in the same house up until I went to college. My parents were married for nearly 40 years when my dad passed away. I’m the youngest of 4, 2 brothers and a sister. My parents had a healthy relationship, very rarely arguing. I was spanked maybe 4 times, so no abuse of any kind. Our home was a very loving and nurturing environment. Both of my grandmothers lived out their final years (about 20 for each) in homes on our property.  This is why I came back to live on our family land after most of a decade away. I’m close with my mom and siblings. We all talk frequently and try to get together for birthdays and holidays.
Why do you ask?

[Cat Familiar]

RW,
It seems you have tremendous clarity for what you’re dealing with and are able to articulate your strategy precisely.

Not only do you have all the complicating factors you mentioned, the pandemic adds even more complexity.

Though your wife might try to undermine your sense of composure, I want you to hang onto the certainty that you’ve thought this through very carefully. How can you put a firewall around your self-assuredness to protect you from her attacks?

[RestlessWanderer]

How can you put a firewall around your self-assuredness to protect you from her attacks?

I don’t know the answer to that question. But I do think that posting here, talking with friends and family, and especially working with my therapist gets me to the point of regaining my self-assurance. Thankfully I never fully lose it, I do however try to talk through my actions and her reactions in an effort to evaluate whether or not she actually has a point. My T does a great job of helping me see that my actions can be seen on a spectrum, rather than the typical BPD binary point of view. I only hope to avoid the temporary doubt that does run through my head after enduring her disregulated rants.

In what I think was a big step for me I gained some clarity last night. I broke it down thusly: I am responsible for my actions, inactions, omissions, and commissions. She is responsible for her actions and reactions. Me being forgetful, being dishonest, or procrastinating can have larger impacts than intended or realized. But those actions are not malicious and are not abuse. The insults she says to me are verbal abuse. It is psychological abuse when she compares me to her abusive father or siblings, or abusive ex-husband. Hitting me, kicking me, and throwing rocks at me are all acts of violence and physical abuse. I don’t feel that my safety is in immediate danger. However I do see that from one moment to another I am always afraid that she’s going to get angry. When she gets angry she is capable of any of those forms of abuse. So, essentially, I don’t feel safe.
Now, I need to figure out what to do with this clarity, especially considering the complexity of our situation as I wrote in a previous post.
How can I express this clarity to her? Should I? Is it possible that this will prompt change in her (I know better than to put all my eggs into that basket)? Will this trigger her?

[Radcliff]

In what I think was a big step for me I gained some clarity last night. I broke it down thusly: I am responsible for my actions, inactions, omissions, and commissions. She is responsible for her actions and reactions. Me being forgetful, being dishonest, or procrastinating can have larger impacts than intended or realized. But those actions are not malicious and are not abuse. The insults she says to me are verbal abuse. It is psychological abuse when she compares me to her abusive father or siblings, or abusive ex-husband. Hitting me, kicking me, and throwing rocks at me are all acts of violence and physical abuse. I don’t feel that my safety is in immediate danger. However I do see that from one moment to another I am always afraid that she’s going to get angry. When she gets angry she is capable of any of those forms of abuse. So, essentially, I don’t feel safe.

Bingo!  Good work.  No, trying to give her this insight is not likely to be helpful.  This is a "show me, don't tell me" situation.  Act with this clarity in mind, and demonstrate how you own your actions and don't own hers, but having an explicit conversation is not likely to work.  Speaking about owning your own actions, and a similar theme of guiding yourself by your own compass, that's what I'm getting at about the garden.  You did what *she* told you to do in the garden.  Then she wasn't happy about it.  Of course.  You predicted that.  Proving it might have been mildly satisfying for a moment, but didn't really help.  Plant a garden that's a size you can manage.  Spend as much time in it as *you* want to, consistent with your other values like time with your son and doing a good job at work.  If you are owning your own stuff, following your own values, and without fireworks you simply don't take the bait or allow yourself to feel bad when she puts something on you that you don't own, it will help you keep your confidence up and feel less vulnerable.

RC

[once removed]

the bottom line may be choosing a path (of improving the relationship or detaching).

my sense is that you have mostly given up hope and are trying to ride things out, but there is hope, and love, no doubt, along with fear and confusion.

so youre more in a place of "go along to get along" than "stay or go" (youve made some steps in both directions).

which is fine. i imagine, given the history, thats the place i would be in.

but it is, at the same time, a state of limbo, that somewhat depends upon your wife either improving or deterioriating (i sense that if she got better, youd stay, if she got worse, youd leave), when the situation is more likely to remain relatively stagnant.

i would recommend, as you are able, firmly planting yourself in one position or the other. detaching is about letting go of the hope, and actively taking steps, not blindly or impulsively mind you, to rip off the bandaids, and separate. improving the relationship is about a fundamental lifestyle change, that does what it needs to do to stop the bleeding in the short term, with the gravity of the relationship problems in mind in the long term. it can be a tall order, especially if you dont have a willing partner actively working toward the same goal. its far from impossible, but its hard. both paths are hard.

the status quo can, at a point, be harder.

[RestlessWanderer]

Speaking about owning your own actions, and a similar theme of guiding yourself by your own compass, that's what I'm getting at about the garden.  You did what *she* told you to do in the garden.  Then she wasn't happy about it.  Of course.  You predicted that.  Proving it might have been mildly satisfying for a moment, but didn't really help.  Plant a garden that's a size you can manage.  Spend as much time in it as *you* want to, consistent with your other values like time with your son and doing a good job at work.  If you are owning your own stuff, following your own values, and without fireworks you simply don't take the bait or allow yourself to feel bad when she puts something on you that you don't own, it will help you keep your confidence up and feel less vulnerable.

RC

I did just that by going in to work on Tuesday for only the third time since March. I told her I had to go in and will have to go in every 3 weeks now. She flipped out as expected, but now things are calm again and she seems to accept it.

my sense is that you have mostly given up hope and are trying to ride things out, but there is hope, and love, no doubt, along with fear and confusion.

so youre more in a place of "go along to get along" than "stay or go" (youve made some steps in both directions).

which is fine. i imagine, given the history, thats the place i would be in.

but it is, at the same time, a state of limbo, that somewhat depends upon your wife either improving or deterioriating (i sense that if she got better, youd stay, if she got worse, youd leave), when the situation is more likely to remain relatively stagnant.

i would recommend, as you are able, firmly planting yourself in one position or the other. detaching is about letting go of the hope, and actively taking steps, not blindly or impulsively mind you, to rip off the bandaids, and separate. improving the relationship is about a fundamental lifestyle change, that does what it needs to do to stop the bleeding in the short term, with the gravity of the relationship problems in mind in the long term. it can be a tall order, especially if you dont have a willing partner actively working toward the same goal. its far from impossible, but its hard. both paths are hard.

the status quo can, at a point, be harder.

OR, you did a great job of summarizing the complex conflicting emotions I’ve been experiencing. So, while I’ve gained this clarity that allows me to see the difference between our behaviors and not buy what she’s selling when she’s comparing me to her dad or other abusers in her past, I still feel love for her. I am not holding on to the hope of improving our relationship, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see that there is hope. I have begun to detach, but In other ways I haven’t. What you said did make sense regarding the difficulty I am having. Simply put, this is not an easy situation to be in and I’m working hard to navigate it well.

[Diddle]

Restless Wanderer
I feel your confusion. I am very much at the why am I the one who needs to change stage. I know viewing my DwbpdH's actions in a different way will benefit my own sense of peace and mental health but...
...I believe the situation will never actually improve until my H makes a change.
All I am doing is changing my reactions, and like in your case, there is literally no reaction that seems to stop him switching to the angry, mean version of himself.

Its calm here today, but I can't even let myself enjoy the calm because I know it could change in an instant.
I've lived the first part of our relationship being the calmer, the soother, the always positive and upbeat, oh it'll be ok... half of us. It got me nowhere, and also got me to here, feeling resentful for not having stood up for myself sooner.

I don't want to leave my H suffering when he needs support, because I treat people how I would want to be treated myself. I don't want my children to see me giving up on their Dad because he has a mental illness, what message does it show them? I suspect you are the same.
But as you have outlined above, the way our partners treat us is unacceptable, and I would never want my children to be in a relationship like this. So we need to choose for us, what is the best course of action, build our own confidence and be true to ourselves.

Your threads on here have been a huge help to me, I have watched you go through confusion and sadness, and for things to become clearer for you too. I wanted to thank you for being so honest.

[RestlessWanderer]

Diddle, thanks for your support and comments.

All I am doing is changing my reactions, and like in your case, there is literally no reaction that seems to stop him switching to the angry, mean version of himself.

Its calm here today, but I can't even let myself enjoy the calm because I know it could change in an instant.

This is exactly how I feel about where I am right now. In fact, just a few minutes ago this type of situation happened again. I'm going to document it here for the purpose making a record of it, as well as to receive any input from readers.
I received a call from the school where my son was attending last year. They wanted to know if he was enrolled in another school. I told them that he was home-schooling for now. They said they needed to disenroll him and would email me the paperwork. My wife overheard the conversation and asked why I didn't give her the phone. I told her why they called and what I said. Apparently I was incorrect, which my wife took as me not listening or caring. I tried to explain that that's what I understood to be the plan (which she decided unilaterally BTW). She then went to the bedroom to avoid a fight because. I stood outside the bedroom window talking to her and tried to get the right information. She just wanted to "talk" about her opinion of why I didn't know, which was laced with profanities and insults. I should have dropped it, but I wanted to clear up my confusion and get the correct information. I kept my cool, but she got more and more upset. Eventually she hit the window, breaking it. Which she immediately blamed me for, because I got her mad. Again, I should have walked away, but I felt I needed to say to her the difference between what I had done (forgetting/getting confused about what the plan was) vs. her getting mad to the point of insulting me and breaking a window. There was a little more back and forth like this when she eventually left the room and I walked to the other house.

Last night and this morning she was Dr. Jekyll, being sweet and loving with me. But then she was triggered by me admitting I was confused about something she thought I should have known. I tried to be validating in what I was saying, and tried to clear up the issue by getting the correct information. For the window's sake, I should have walked away. Maybe I shouldn't have kept pushing the issue. What the heck is the harm in trying to clear up my confusion, while accepting my responsibility for being confused?

Your threads on here have been a huge help to me, I have watched you go through confusion and sadness, and for things to become clearer for you too. I wanted to thank you for being so honest.

Thank you for sharing that with me. We are fortunate to have this forum to find support and feel safe enough to share our stories. I hope you find peace and are able to improve your situation for yours and your children's sake.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you seen this workshop on Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining ?

I’m a chronic Explainer, but I had to force myself to quit doing this when I noticed my husband was on the verge of dysregulating.

I’ve always thought that if I could just explain my perspective (which is so logical and reasonable   ), that I could clear up any issues that arose from miscommunication or misunderstanding.

While that may have worked well with emotionally stable people, it’s like pouring gas on the fire with people with BPD.

I just couldn’t get it through my head for a long time that this strategy would never yield the result I hoped with my husband. But now that I no longer try to do it, or I catch myself in the middle of doing it, I’ve had much better outcomes.

Another thing I wonder, can you notice the very beginnings of your wife starting to dysregulate? Often there is a change of color in the face, certain muscles tighten, voice tone changes, volume increases, etc. If you can get very tuned into these microemotion body language tells, you’ll have a much better chance of avoiding future dysregulations.

[JNChell]

Because most come here with family issues that are eventually fished out. That’s why I asked.

[RestlessWanderer]

Cat, I usually do a better job of avoiding the JADE mistake. I can tell when she’s starting to disregulate, it’s usually indicated by a rapid change in mood and some baseless statement peppered with insults and/or profanity. When this happens the safest course of action is silence. Most any word that crosses my lips is fuel to that fire.
This is a major part of what drives me crazy. Dialogue is really just monologue and me either agreeing with her or biting my tongue. It feels like that is the only way the marriage will survive. It’s certainly how I’ve been surviving in the marriage.

[Diddle]

this is a major part of what drives me crazy. Dialogue is really just monologue and me either agreeing with her or biting my tongue. It feels like that is the only way the marriage will survive. It’s certainly how I’ve been surviving in the marriage

This is what i struggle with, why can’t we have an explanation on an issue as important as the education of our children, you deserve to have that explained to you. Plus when this happens all the time, it without a doubt effects the person you are.

[RestlessWanderer]

I don’t know if I should be surprised or not but my wife just got upset with me again because I still don’t know what her plan is for our sons schooling. She hasn’t wanted to clarify for me since our argument last week, but somehow I’m supposed to have divined the information. On top of that she blamed that for ruining everything over the last 5 days.
How am I supposed to validate that?

[Cat Familiar]

You’re not supposed to validate the invalid. Learning to ignore the negative comments is a highly valued skill in living with a pwBPD.

That said, you do need to come to agreement about important issues, such as your son’s schooling.

Since you two apparently have difficulty verbally discussing these types of issues, why not ask her for a written plan and do all the discussions in writing? That way you have a paper trail.