He said he's leaving

[HappyKJ]

Last night, my uBPD boyfriend of 8+ years said he was leaving. He's made this threat in the past, but this time I think he's serious. I posted about in in another thread, but basically it started when I did not react to a joke in the way he was hoping, which led to a fight and brought up all sorts of feelings for him about being unloved and unsupported (combined with stress of living with my parents).

He's in this harsh, calm, severe mood, and it's hard to talk to him. He prides himself on cutting people out of his life, which is why he has hardly any friends now. I think because he was abandoned as a child, the best way he knows how to cope with the pain of rejection is to inflict it on others. I listened to a whole litany of cruel words that he said to me, did not say anything, and did not try and defend myself (even when he baited me). When I told him I was sorry for the pain he was feeling, he said his favorite line, "Sorry never fixed anything!" and brought up my "misdeeds" from the past. I took ownership for areas where I'd fallen short and he twisted my words against me, saying it was proof I don't care about the relationship (if I didn't care, why would I put up with all the crap I do? but of course I didn't say that).

This morning he softened a little, but then started in on the character assassination again, saying he can't trust me and not only can I NOT communicate but I REFUSE to communicate. When I said communication was a rather broad topic and to please give me a more clear picture of what they would look like, he gave some sarcastic remark in return basically implying that I was an idiot. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect and I have some areas that could use work, but this dictatorial, demeaning approach does not work for me and certainly doesn't open me up to want to communicate more. Nevermind that he is not the easiest person to communicate with, as he is prone to rages, reactions out of proportion with the comment, and memory lapses (he often claims I never told him something when I did). And he is just plain rigid and rarely considers other perspectives (when it's personal to him), yet accuses me of not seeing nuance.

The worst part of it all is his cold, clinical manner throughout the whole thing, like I'm just some object to be discarded. He even asked me, "Why are you crying?" I'm feeling heartbroken and angry. Why am I the broken one that's to blame for everything? And also angry at myself for putting up with it and for turning so shriveling and pathetic and inarticulate in this conversations. And scared that all the things he says about me are true. Because when he's in this cold, calm, rational state, reducing me to a babbling mess, I start to think I'm the one with issues.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sadduh]

NO. You are NOT one with issues. With all the stuff he's throwing at you, its overwhelming and panic inducing. I don't know what to tell you as I am probably not very good at navigating the BPD world - but I almost thinking a retreat into a safe place with friends or people who support you will give you a respite from the barrage that I bet your getting. I know from experience, that escaping from the fishbowl of his and your own thoughts for a while will help you see things clearly and from a different perspective. Please don't think there's things wrong with you, and certainly don't take his word for it that you are something less than you are. I think more experienced and smarter people here could probably give you better advice, I just want to jump in with a virtual hug because I know of the place that you are in right now. Please don't believe that you are any less of the strong person I know you are - it takes a strong person to exist in such a situation.

[HappyKJ]

Thank you, Sadduh! Yes, great advice. I've allowed myself to become isolated, but anytime I connect with other people I feel myself getting lifted up, reminding me that I am worthwhile and yes, as you put it, to get out of that fishbowl reality.

I talked to a therapist today and she was really helpful. She told me to look at what this relationship is teaching me -- that yes, I do need to work on self-expression -- and instead of seeing it as this huge failure on my part, to see this as the catalyst. Also, not to cling so tightly to this relationship and what it means about me. And when discomfort does arise or painful things are said, to play the role of observer, asking myself if those beliefs are true and take the opportunity to redefine them. And also to give myself grace if I don't say the right words or stay detached in these difficult conversations because it's going to take some time to get it down.

[once removed]

I start to think I'm the one with issues.

we all have issues.

we all bring them into our relationships.

they interact with the issues of our partners, and that tests the relationship.

youre not pathetic for being flustered, for being hurt. i have some social anxiety. folks will try to connect with me, get me out of my shell, and i wind up shutting them down, which is the last thing i want to do. beating myself up for it, historically, has only made me more finicky, more analytical, more anxious, when other people try to reach out to me. several things are true: ive got some issues i need to work to manage, sometimes i dont want to be reached out to, and im going to connect with some better than others, and all of those things are okay.

several things are true in your case: you are being bullied a bit, and when you wear your feelings on your sleeve, hes capitalizing. i dont mean to suggest hes a bad guy. its his way of dealing with his own security or read on the situation. the two of you have different styles that no doubt mesh in some ways, and clash in others. thats true for the healthiest of couples. but to click, the ways in which you clash may need some adjusting, some management. lastly, find your confidence. we all respond to what our loved ones dish out differently. some of us are soft spoken, some of us are loud and brash, some of us have even hit our partners in anger, or cheated, or abused substances. all of these are ways of coping. a bpd relationship has a way of demanding our confidence, our sharpest coping skills.

[pursuingJoy]

lastly, find your confidence.

a bpd relationship has a way of demanding our confidence, our sharpest coping skills.

This is really insightful. Remember who you are and find your footing. 

I've learned to stop apologizing while they're dysregulating. No matter what I'm apologizing about, it has a weird way of affirming their point and making their attack seem justified, which is not the goal. Instead of apologizing, ask a validating question (assuming you can keep listening). Here's a link with suggestions:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

If you really feel you need to apologize, find a way to do it later in a calm moment. "Hey I've been thinking about what you said. You're right, I do that and I am sorry."

[HappyKJ]

lastly, find your confidence. we all respond to what our loved ones dish out differently. some of us are soft spoken, some of us are loud and brash, some of us have even hit our partners in anger, or cheated, or abused substances. all of these are ways of coping. a bpd relationship has a way of demanding our confidence, our sharpest coping skills.

Wonderfully put, Once Removed. As challenging as this relationship has been, the positive is that it has highlighted these areas where I was already struggling (namely, insecurity and low self-esteem) and by extension, forced my to work on these areas. While I often wish everything with him would just be easy, if that was the case, I likely never would have addressed these issues. This is not to justify his behavior, but the more I start to gain a broader perspective, the more I start to step out of victim mode and see these challenges as an opportunity to learn and grow.

[HappyKJ]

This is really insightful. Remember who you are and find your footing. 

I've learned to stop apologizing while they're dysregulating. No matter what I'm apologizing about, it has a weird way of affirming their point and making their attack seem justified, which is not the goal. Instead of apologizing, ask a validating question (assuming you can keep listening). Here's a link with suggestions:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

If you really feel you need to apologize, find a way to do it later in a calm moment. "Hey I've been thinking about what you said. You're right, I do that and I am sorry."

Thank you for the link, Pursuing Joy! This is one of the most helpful articles I've come across in a while, and I will definitely keep it in mind. Yes, apologies (during heated moments) are definitely a trigger for him. You're right in that it makes the attack seem justified, and I think by extension, in his mind it is asking for forgiveness when perhaps he is not in a space where he is ready to forgive, or promising I won't engage in that behavior again (which is why the apology often triggers him to then say "sorry never fixed anything!" and bring up my past "misdeeds") when in truth, I'm not perfect and it's difficult to predict what behavior of mine will set him over the edge. So asking validating questions, rather than apologizing, focuses on the real issue which is how he feels rather than the behavior itself.

[LoveHimCantLeave]

a bpd relationship has a way of demanding our confidence, our sharpest coping skills.

If there could ever be a silver lining in all of this, it's that. I have found that I had a lot of work to do on my self-esteem that I kinda just let fester thru-out the years which is now being pulled out of me like a bad tooth extraction (but ultimately a healing one).

HappyKJ, he's right. Stay positive, and stay strong...nothing he says about you has much to really do with you. And even if he *does* leave. Trust me, they always come back. That's why it's always so hard to break up with them!

[HappyKJ]

If there could ever be a silver lining in all of this, it's that. I have found that I had a lot of work to do on my self-esteem that I kinda just let fester thru-out the years which is now being pulled out of me like a bad tooth extraction (but ultimately a healing one).

Great analogy! Yes, I've been forced to confront these issues head-on and ultimately to take my healing into my own hands instead of constantly looking to outside sources for love and approval.