PLEASE help He's asking now I don't know what to say

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I posted this elsewhere, at the end of a thread of mine, but I need help NOW! He told me about the package on the porch and that it was for me!

He ordered them after a big blowup last week. Manolos. Beautiful.

Also, not my size or really my style. They are bright blue. Thick straps. I'm more of a thin strap kind of woman.

Anyway. The point is...how do I handle this? Like I said, I'm like Cinderella's stepsister trying to get them on. They don't fit. When I read the sizing online, it's obvious they WOULD NOT fit.

Please, please help. I don't know what to do. I don't want to incite his rage again. Or whatever the next spiral is.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

So, I posted this elsewhere, at the end of a thread of mine, but I need help NOW! He told me about the package on the porch and that it was for me!

He ordered them after a big blowup last week. Manolos. Beautiful.

Also, not my size or really my style. They are bright blue. Thick straps. I'm more of a thin strap kind of woman.

Anyway. The point is...how do I handle this? Like I said, I'm like Cinderella's stepsister trying to get them on. They don't fit. When I read the sizing online, it's obvious they WOULD NOT fit.

Please, please help. I don't know what to do. I don't want to incite his rage again. Or whatever the next spiral is.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi TrulyMadlyDeeply,



What happened? I know that this can probably difficult to understand when a pwBPD rage because it telegraphs the opposite and at the same time it can feel like it invalidates our own experience and that's what I wanted to mention here is validation.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

It is how we talk to a pwBPD and it is how a pwBPD can talk to us too - they can be incredibly invalidating in their communication but think of it this way - they have an internal voice that criticizes them - like a audio loop on a tape that keeps playing over and over.

Some experts say that a BPD is a shame based disorder - a pwBPD have feelings of shame and low self worth and have low self esteem. I'm not saying that it's right or defending what H is saying or doing.

Our brains have neuroplasticity which means that we can change our thoughts by changing out behaviors we can change our neural pathways. The same thing applies to a pwBPD but they're stuck on these life long patterns and often are not aware that they are mentally ill and if we try to tell them that they are then they have maladaptive coping mechanisms that subconsciously protects their ego. It's very difficult to deal with that - you're going through that yourself.

I answered your other thread but your T has said that it's something that he has to want to do ( change his neural pathways ) Something that helps when you are in a r/s with a pwBPD or with someone that is a HSP ( my current gf is a highly sensitive person ) they need a lot of validation. You can still package your truth but it helps to reorder how you talk, package your truth at the end of your message and start with support and validate a pwBPD's feelings.

Also, not my size or really my style. They are bright blue. Thick straps. I'm more of a thin strap kind of woman.

Let's say you want to say this to H you could say something like.

I'm here for you [support] Getting a gift for your SO displays thoughtfulness with trying to repair the r/s. I appreciate that and I love the Manolos [empathy] Different companies fit differently. What's the return policy like? [truth]

It's a different style of talking and definitely takes some getting used to but one format that helps in a r/s with a pwBPD is SET.

1.16 | Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)