Orange Devil
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Polyamory
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1
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« on: September 28, 2020, 01:33:02 PM » |
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Hi,
I grew up with a step-parent who had full on NPD, found a spouse who has NPD, left that bad relationship for what I thought was a much healthier one. I went to nursing school while dating my now wife, and fell in love with mental health a few years into my career. It was a little over a year ago, an LMSW dear friend of mine said "Devil, your girl is a borderline". I mentioned it to our family therapist who quietly nodded her head. I've been working really hard on my own stuff in the last couple of years and it has been very enlightening to consider that maybe I'm not crazy and my wife has some ownership in my more recent struggles.
My wife is certain that she does not have BPD, and since I started trying to regulate the chaos in earnest she has gotten an ADHD diagnosis, started meds, and discovered the diagnosis of Rejective Sensitivity Dysphoria, which she believes explains her mood instability. I took a job in another state for a number of reasons, but when my wife said she would not move with me (primarily for job reasons) I took it as an opportunity to give ourselves some space and work out what healthy boundaries look like. We agreed that we are absolutely committed to staying together and she is supposed to join me in the new place in about a year.
As you can imagine, I have found peace when we are not together but it has gotten to the point where every single interaction is super explosive - like screaming at each other in the driveway with kids looking on in horror. We continue to work with a marriage therapist remotely (not the earlier mentioned family therapist), and a few weeks ago when the therapist told me "Your wife has an anger problem" and "You are doing as much or more than anyone should expect you to do for this marriage - you cannot fix it all yourself" I cried. I've committed to writing weekly love letters to try to reassure my wife of my love. I keep tabs on things back home to make sure I can do my part to care for things at her house and there is not much reciprocation these days.
All this time, despite the struggles, I have always said that I had no interest in ending the marriage because I love my wife, although in heat of the arguments there were days of throwing rings and declaring I was leaving...But as I commit to not doing that, she continues to insist that I want to leave when things get bad. She typically won't say she wants a divorce but accuses me of wanting one no matter what I'm saying. This weekend I told her I am trying to move the relationship forward, but she needs to tell me if that is not what she wants. Of course, she did not respond to that. I'm at the point where I really don't know if there is hope. My "But I love her" reaction has been replaced by much more negative internal dialogue in the last few weeks.
I say that I'm embarrassed to be here because I'm in school for my psychiatric NP degree right now, and after a lifetime of narcissism I thought I was on track to emotionally healthy relationships. I'm sad, I'm confused, and since I moved here 8 weeks ago I'm also lonely. I don't really want to unload about this disaster of a marriage on my new co-workers. So, thanks for reading.
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