Also 5 years removed from BPD rs, a mixed bag.

[Infern0]

Hey guys, long time!

I was in a very bad relationship with a girl with diagnosed BPD back in 2014 with recycles lasting around 1.5 years.

This relationship was unbelievably toxic, and took a serious toll on my mental, physical, emotional and financial help. It was in late 2014 when it was at its worst when she was in a push pull phase and I had a total emotional breakdown.

I have written much in previous posts but suffice it to say the experience really cost me a lot, I lost my promising career, friends, all my money, it really left me with nothing.

The recycles continued on and off for a good year and there were times I thought I'd never truly be free of the whole thing. In late 2015 the final straw for me came as (during a recycle attempt I was resisting) she revealed she was pregnant to another guy. This turned out to be true and I belive she was wanting to trick me into thinking the baby was mine as I'd be a more stable parent.

That incident really killed any desire I had to go back, it was like a spell was broken and I just no longer had any interest. Weirdly I think she also realize this as other than very occasional messeges I basically never heard from her again.

My life in the aftermath was initially very empty, I ended up about a year later leaving town after I realize there was no reason for me to be there, so I moved near the beach and eventually found a half decent position for work and have since worked my way up to be back where I was around 5 years ago. It's frustrating to feel I have not progressed but after being unemployed or working in very bad jobs I am greatful.

In terms of relationships, I have not been able to have any success. I am a very guarded person and flighty, the first sign of drama and I just lose interest, its probably not a great way to be but I hope to one day be more open to things. I do have lingering fears of my irrational behaviours and losing emotional control as I did with my ex, it's like I lost sanity, that isn't something I ever want to experience again, that loss of control.

My physical health took a beating in that time and I have not ever fully recovered, but I am functional, and better than I was at the worst.

I tend to think before I speak now, and I am a better judge of character, I also don't have any people pleasing tendencies anymore. I try to conduct myself as a decent person and let others take me or leave me for what I am.

I am able to laugh again, to enjoy things, I have a cat who I love who has been with me 4 years now, I am greatful for her and she never leaves my side when I'm at home.

I don't know if I'd call this a successful detachment, there's definatley a lot of things I've been avoiding working on, but at the same time even just to be where I am now isnt something I thought would be possible 5 years ago, to not be suffering crippling depression, to be working a decent job again, to be generally "OK".

That's all I really have to say, I don't think my recovery has been anything like the best possible but I can at least attest that you can definatley be "OK" again after bpd relationship, and I have faith you can do better than me and be more than "OK". If I can do it, you can definatley do it too.

[schwing]

Hi Infern0,

That incident really killed any desire I had to go back, it was like a spell was broken and I just no longer had any interest. Weirdly I think she also realize this as other than very occasional messeges I basically never heard from her again.

...

I don't know if I'd call this a successful detachment, there's definatley a lot of things I've been avoiding working on, but at the same time even just to be where I am now isnt something I thought would be possible 5 years ago, to not be suffering crippling depression, to be working a decent job again, to be generally "OK".

I would call this a successful detachment.  You no longer respond to your ex's siren call and this is a valuable lesson learned.  And all things considered, "ok" is pretty good considering how this year's played out for a lot of folks.

In terms of relationships, I have not been able to have any success. I am a very guarded person and flighty, the first sign of drama and I just lose interest, its probably not a great way to be but I hope to one day be more open to things. I do have lingering fears of my irrational behaviours and losing emotional control as I did with my ex, it's like I lost sanity, that isn't something I ever want to experience again, that loss of control.

I don't think this is a bad place to be.  It is where you are and the kind of psychic wounds you sustained during your BPD relationship don't heal very quickly; they're likely to tint the way you see/interpret future relationship.  Eventually these experiences will marinate long enough to become wisdom.

In a healthy relationship, it is normal to give up some control; after all you're aiming towards sharing your space and lives together.  Ultimately love is a lesson on surrendering.  I think those of us with BPD relationships in our past have been a bit too easy with surrendering to very specifically wrong people.  Non BPD relationships (hopefully) won't push your buttons in the same way so hopefully you'll learn to trust the right kinds of behavior and avoid the wrong kinds.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Mutt]

I do have lingering fears of my irrational behaviours and losing emotional control as I did with my ex, it's like I lost sanity, that isn't something I ever want to experience again, that loss of control.

This out of control feeling was a warning from your true self that can no longer continue with a self image. The true self is the center of who you are. You went through an awakening because your self image could no longer sustain.

I thought would be possible 5 years ago, to not be suffering crippling depression, to be working a decent job again, to be generally "OK".

The crippling is a sign of that if you want to do some digging this is a good book. It's nice to see an old member drop in and give us update. Happy New Year Infern0

I want to echo schwing it sounds like you're in the right place ( be where you are at ) and it sounds like you are grateful