Hi All,
It has been a while since I was last on this board. It is heartwarming that it is still active and old and new names are still here to support each other.
I really hope you don't mind me telling a part of my story once more, and asking for some much-needed guidance and advice. I already apologize for the long post.
My elderly but still completely self-sufficient mother has BPD-traits that used to make her blow up on me once or twice a year. She had a horrible youth that translated into me and my older brother growing up with a high dosage of emotional neglect. It is hard to pinpoint or even recognize the consequences of something NOT being there during my childhood, and I still feel paranoid talking about it (yep, while I am writing this, I am shifting uneasily in my chair, feeling as if I am exaggerating and begging for undeserved attention). I strongly suspect I was my mothers' emotional caretaker for ages, right up to 2017 when, with the help of this community, I managed to emotionally detach from her after a really nasty blow-up and consequent silent treatment. I am still very grateful for all the support this community gave me back then, and I regret not being able to give back more.
Since then I have managed to make a career shift that landed me in a job where I have to take responsibility, speak up and cannot hide behind others. It is very challenging for me personally, and I still have a hard time coping with the stress, but I really love the job and feel proud of finally daring to make the jump and trusting my capabilities. For once I feel mostly competent, instead of feeling a complete fake.
On a personal level, however, I am still stuck. Yes, I have emotionally detached, in the sense that I am no longer my mothers' emotional caregiver and I no longer crave her approval. My solution has limited itself to going very low contact and keeping my distance. The low contact is more out of guilt or a self-imposed sense of moral obligation than anything else. I hide behind a secure wall and peep over it from time to time out of necessity.
Even then, she manages to hurt me. It makes me feel angry, resentful and sad that seem to be stuck in this new status quo. So where do we stand? My mother seems to have accepted that I have detached and has finally built up her own network of friends and support. As for me, I have accepted that my childhood has left its traces, and that my emotional vocabulary and intuition is regularly off-kilter when things get too close (although it seems to work perfectly well in my professional life?). I know my mother did the best she could, and I think I am not angry at her for the past.
Then why do her actions still get at me? It is in the missing that the true hurt still lies:
- she forgot to send even her default 'Happy Birthday' text message for my birthday, but laughingly said in a phone chat afterwards that 'something must have gone wrong, because I did send you one'. She never laughingly says things like that, she normally curses and becomes all defensive.
- she also ignored our anniversary 2 days later
- she did send her cursory 'Happy Birthday' text message to my husband 2 weeks later.
- when she saw our extensive renovations for the first time. She looked around, and only commented: That's a nice potted plant, I need to buy myself a new one as well.
- Now that we are in a second lock-down, she calls the children daily and chats endlessly with my daughter. She know everything that is happening in our family, and it is bothering me extensively, because at the same time I feel completely shut out. (am I jealous? or worried about the possible effect this may have on my daughter? I don't really know).
- I saw her fawning over one of her neighbors recently, and start guilt-tripping me (FOG) the moment he was out the door. The guy reminded me of my brother: a lot of big, empty words. She was hanging on his every word, but when I tried to say something she talked right over me.
I still feel invisible. I do not matter. I can accept that we are 2 completely different adults who do not have a lot in common. But where is the empathy? Why is she not capable of caring? Like DH said: how much effort would it take to pick up the phone and call your own daughter on her birthday? Why am I convinced she did not text me on my birthday on purpose, just to 'punish' me?
All these little things still still hurt me. They have made me crawl back into my shell.I have taken a step back in family life. I feel more protective of myself and my feelings, more closed off. Am I being over sensitive and am I overthinking these things? How can I stop hiding behind my wall out of fear of being hurt emotionally? Calling my mum always feels like a chore. I need to really push myself to do it, and it never gives any positive feelings afterwards. I feel more emotionally open and involved in my mother-in-laws life that in that of my own mother. It is so frigging sad.
I am sorry for the long post.
Thank you for reading this far.
Thank you for being here.
Libra.
