Now that I know what BDP is, what now?

[Depression = 72% of members]

After being in a relationship with my partner for the last 8 years, I have just discovered what BPD is, and I feel a sense of relief to put a name to the traits my partner is exhibiting. There is no actual diagnosis, but he fits virtually all the characteristics of this disorder.  We have a child together and the last 8 years have been nothing short of wild. My partner of course has wonderful traits along with the incredibly difficult ones that go with BPD, but the last year the BPD traits are way outweighing the positive ones. We are at a point where we have not been able to see any common ground and I’m being accused of cheating Constantly (I am not and have never cheated on my partner). He’s made me out to be a villian and being in the same space together has become almost impossible without some kind of explosive behaviour. He is very pleasant in front of our child, but to me he is pushing me away with one hand and pulling me with the other. I don’t feel like I know up from down, he’s twisting every word I say to meet some kind of agenda in his mind and it’s exhausting. I can’t do or say anything that’s right by him. He is also an alcoholic (coping mechanism). I’ve gone for counselling but no one ever identified his traits as BPD until I began researching myself. I understand why professionals are apprehensive to do so. My partner tried counselling for a short time for his addiction problems, his parents put him in a treatment clinic as well which completely backfired on everyone. I’m not sure how to move forward at this point as we are stuck in a cycle of conflict nor do I know what he really wants in the relationship. He has been threatening to leave but then comes home the next day and pretends nothing happened. There is never an apology or resolve to the horrid things he says or to his threats of abandoning the family. Obviously leaving me feel like I’m always on shaky ground. I don’t know what  to do or how to move ahead. As we have a child together and own a house together it adds extra complications to the matter. I don’t know what to do at this point, and I’m exhausted. Just looking for support here I suppose.

[ForTheBetter]

After being in a relationship with my partner for the last 8 years, I have just discovered what BPD is, and I feel a sense of relief to put a name to the traits my partner is exhibiting. There is no actual diagnosis, but he fits virtually all the characteristics of this disorder.  We have a child together and the last 8 years have been nothing short of wild. My partner of course has wonderful traits along with the incredibly difficult ones that go with BPD, but the last year the BPD traits are way outweighing the positive ones. We are at a point where we have not been able to see any common ground and I’m being accused of cheating Constantly (I am not and have never cheated on my partner). He’s made me out to be a villian and being in the same space together has become almost impossible without some kind of explosive behaviour. He is very pleasant in front of our child, but to me he is pushing me away with one hand and pulling me with the other. I don’t feel like I know up from down, he’s twisting every word I say to meet some kind of agenda in his mind and it’s exhausting. I can’t do or say anything that’s right by him. He is also an alcoholic (coping mechanism). I’ve gone for counselling but no one ever identified his traits as BPD until I began researching myself. I understand why professionals are apprehensive to do so. My partner tried counselling for a short time for his addiction problems, his parents put him in a treatment clinic as well which completely backfired on everyone. I’m not sure how to move forward at this point as we are stuck in a cycle of conflict nor do I know what he really wants in the relationship. He has been threatening to leave but then comes home the next day and pretends nothing happened. There is never an apology or resolve to the horrid things he says or to his threats of abandoning the family. Obviously leaving me feel like I’m always on shaky ground. I don’t know what  to do or how to move ahead. As we have a child together and own a house together it adds extra complications to the matter. I don’t know what to do at this point, and I’m exhausted. Just looking for support here I suppose.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Melissinde]

Hey ForTheBetter,

It sounds like you're going through quite a lot.. it must be such a stressful situation for you. Those cicles of conflict are really emotionally exhausting indeed.

So you said his traits got worse a year ago? What changed? Did he use to take accountability for his behaviour?

Have you tried expressing your feelings after a fight when things got calmer?

Do you still see a counsellor?