Does it get better? How?

[Moonlite]

To be honest I feel at the end of my rope and I kind of want this to just be over. The sad part is I have been here before so I know if there is some hope. If there is even the slightest chance that this could get better and they are willing to try that I could stay. But I have seen the way they treat their ex. My partner’s ex and I  have become really good friends and it took talking to their ex for me to realize how abusive my partner has been to me. Honestly talking to their ex only made me doubt that their feels for me were ever real as it seems that they only took an interest in me because I remind them so much of their ex.

Basically, I can’t handle how they treat themselves any longer. They self harm and lie about it. We live 2 hours from each other so I can’t be there to stop them. My partner barely eats, barely sleeps, doesn’t even take the basic medication that is prescribed to them. Even if they do things that they should my partner tries to make everyone else feel guilty about caring.

To them everything wrong is my fault because either I’m selfish for caring about them or I am so much more important than them so they have to treat themselves so awfully. I get that I have to lower my expectations and not take things too personally but at some point this has to all just be to too much.  That being said; I still care about them. I know because I have been here before. When the tried to jump out of a window because they yelled at their ex who was upset because my partner told a health care professional that they wanted to die (and because they barely tell anyone anything about how they are feeling or what’s going on with them and proceeded to not give any more information) and the health care professional took it upon themselves to hospitalize them so they could get help. My partner was very upset and confused by the whole situation but their ex was upset that my partner did not
 a. Ask them to go to the appointment with them and
 b. Said that to a heath care professional.

I honestly agree but our relationship was new at the time and my partner and their are friends and roommates. Their ex has clearly moved on but still cares and I guess my partner realized it in that moment or was testing me or whatever because once their ex left in tears my partner tried to jump out the window. I stopped them of course and was able to calm them down but once things had settled I was disgusted with my partner. Before we got together I had expressed that one of my lines was self harm and suicide. A long time ago one of my best friends committed suicide and it hurts me to this day where I can’t even look up how to help people who have issues with cutting or things like that.

Worst part I feel like that day was just the catalyst as they have made me aware of their self harm over and over again when we are talking on the phone when they know I can’t do anything to stop them. They know it hurts me but they repeatedly do it anyways. I can’t stay like this.

Now they are going to have to move out of their place soon and it’s not as though their ex is throwing them out it’s just that they have made no effort to try and stay even though it’s better financially  for them to stay. There is no place that is safe that they can afford in the area that they live in. So they expect me to come in and save them. At first I was like “okay I love them and I care about them. Things might improve if I am there” but I read through what people were saying about moving in with your BPD partner and I talked about it with their ex and now I don’t want that because not only would I be moving to a place I can barely afford but I would also only know them and anyone one else would be at least 2 hours away. It just doesn’t feel safe. But I am the bad guy for this. Even though they have a history of being physically violent with their ex while they were together. So their solution is to just get two jobs. Sure they are also taking three classes right now as they work full time and they have no free time and can’t even take care of themselves or find the time to even come see me despite that I always make time for them. Yep, another job will surely solve their problems.

I suggested something that I am slightly more comfortable with which is them moving closer to me where I can be less isolated and we could find some place decent to live where they can still afford to get help (they stopped going to their therapist and their psychologist because they said they couldn’t afford it but they refuse to look for a new one for either). It honestly makes the most sense for them to move because they have friends here and transferring jobs to here isn’t a problem either. They like things and life over here. The only reason they have given is they don’t want to leave the people who they complain about all the time but still like so much that they won’t even hang out with them outside of work. They also want to go to transfer to a university that they haven’t even been accepted to even though they currently want to drop out of the college they are going to because they can’t handle working and going to school at the same time.

Am I being unreasonable? Do people see why I am upset? Am I actually as bad as they constantly make me out to be?

Again I feel done with them and I want them to convince me to stay or something but honestly I don’t think they can if they don’t agree to get help. Has anyone been in similar situation? Did their partner with BPD get better after getting help? How long did it take? What are some resources I can use to find them help or they can use to help pay for getting help? Or should I just move this to one of the other sections and start figuring out how to end this before I get any more invested than I already am?

I’m starting to think that no matter what I do or how I try to help, the truth is they don’t want help and they don’t want to get better. They just know that feeding into their disorder helps them control the people in their life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.