Looking for some assurances

[Struggling2Help]

Without going into a whole lot of detail on my first post here goes.  My wife and I have been together for over 17 years.  She has struggled with depression and BPD for years.  We have gone through many ned changes that work for awhile but eventually stop and there will be an episode that can range from not getting out of bed to a break from reality.  Currently we have been battling severe anxiety for 2 months with multiple med changes and nothing is helping and she is feeling total despair.  I want to be there for her as much as I can.  I understand that there is nothing I can do or say to fix this, but I also know there are things I could do or say inadvertently that would worsen it.  We are very private people living in a small community and just looking for a place I can reach out and help my family.  Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey S2H-

Welcome to our community.  As another member stated on another post, we seem to have lost many of our more experienced members in the last several months.  Like her, I’m guessing due to the stresses of Covid.

I’m sorry for the struggles you, your dear wife and family are facing. If I can, I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

There are communication tools that we can use to help lower the chances of triggering our partners.  The very FIRST thing I’d do is take the word “should” and other “commanding” words like “you BETTER” OUT of your vocabulary.  Try to Forget you ever  learned those words.  My personal belief is those words/ phrases FEEL like actual *fire* to pwBPD (people with BPD).  How does that sit with you?

Under the TOOL, WORKSHOPS Section on this Site, there is a wealth of information to assist you.

My suggestion would be to start with  Learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). 

And then read about Validation / Learning NOT to be “Invalidating”

There are a ton more comm tools.

If you and your W can truly be open about things you’re learning and studying, perhaps you can explain that you’re working on some tools to help you become a more effective communicator.  And it may take you a bit of practice to learn this “language”.. ask your love to have patience with your learning.  Your thoughts on this?

Finally, re: the anxiety.  This I personally KNOW to work.  I went through some bad stuff.  I did NOT properly recover but was very adept at pushing things down for years.  Until I couldn’t any longer.  Developed moderate anxiety and then entered a very abusive relationship, which heightened my anxiety.  I had MDD, GAD and C-PTSD (from the earlier life events).  Had been on meds for years. 

I was introduced to a little machine called “Alpha-Stim”.  I began using it nearly two years ago (in February) and it’s been amazing for my recovery.  I am off the meds.  This machine is about the size of a Walkman (remember those?) and you attach the little clips to your ears.  No side effects.  It’s used by many vets and I really don’t understand why more people don’t use this thing.  The positive effects are cumulative.  You can use it as many times a day as you wish.  Please look it up, Alpha-Stim.

So there’s a start, my friend.

Your thoughts? This is a safe space for you.  In time, you will receive responses.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes