Heads she wins, Tails I lose

[Toronto46]

Hi all,

This is my first post. I'm a 46 y/o male and my BPD wife is 44, living in Toronto. I am reading Randi's book and other books but I'm still struggling with the "no matter what I say or do, it's going to be the WRONG thing" dilemma.

Here's one example: the other day our 12 y/o son was having a reaction to the flu shot and needed Benadryl. I told my wife I would run out and grab some. But I knew that if I was too slow or bought the wrong type/size/caplet/liquid she would RAGE at me. I quickly went on their website and said "let's take a quick look so you can tell me exactly what I should get at the store." Well this immediately prompted the rage.

She had had a bad and unproductive day at work and I was definitely a sitting duck - she was just waiting to unload her feelings of worthlessness on me. My benign suggestion of doing a bit of research prompted insults ("you just need to go to the store and use your brain!" "Stop being so anxious and weird and just go to the store!") as well as a rejection of my efforts ("you're useless - I'm just going to go to the store myself"). And when she got back and I said "what did you get?" she unloaded on me yet again - "No, I'm not going to indulge YOUR crippling anxiety!"

She's very high energy and ADHD so these episodes happen very quickly. I don't know what to say or think. And when I realize that no matter what I do will be the WRONG thing, I sometimes clam up...but this too attracts her rage ("why are you being so quiet? why are you mad at me? I can't take your silent treatment!")

Thanks for reading and I wish everyone well.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Snowflake90]

I don't know about you, but I'm a bit of a co-dependent, meaning, my self-image was very much based on other people's perceptions, still is I guess. So I'd "internally agree" and think it was always my fault, when something like this happened. Some therapy has taught me that, even if "it's your fault" (which from what you say doesn't even seem like it), you do not deserve to be treated that way. No one does. When I feel insulted, I like to say that I do not tolerate disrespect (albeit in a cool, normal tone manner) and to watch the manners and that "you wouldn't like me to call you dumb, right?". You have to be careful not to "enable" this sort of behaviour in my opinion. For me at least it has worked. My wife seems to recognize when she goes overboard and later apologizes.
I say all this because it's actually bad for your relationship to "suck it up", because you build resentment, like a pressure cooker, and then just explode. I believe in a calm, cool, assertive communication, where you point out the flaw in the other person in a non-agressive manner.