Missing grandson

[GuttedGrandma]

Hello! I am brand new here. About five weeks ago my daughter told me that she was cutting me out of her life. I thought it would blow over quickly, but it isn’t. My grandson is 6 months old and I had been taking him overnight for two days every other week to give his single mom a break. She is having health problems.

Now she is demanding (Saturday) that I get intensive and long-term therapy before she will me again. I’ve seen counselors over the years and did some extensive therapy nearly 15 years ago. When I have saw a counselor about 7 years ago, she had no concerns about deep dark issues that I needed therapy to resolve, and in fact our conversations were more like two friends because we really liked one another.

My daughter believes that when she was a young child, her father (we broke up when she was an infant) pimped her out. I had no idea that was happening (she doesn’t actually have any memories of it but says she was hypnotized), and I have apologized and asked for forgiveness many many times over the years. I thought she had forgiven me, but an event caused her pain to push through to the surface again. I’ve asked her what specific behaviors and interactions are hurting her and she has responded, “If you don’t have the self-awareness to know how you are hurting me, then I cannot help you.” I asked if I could join her and her therapist and she could share with me what is causing her pain, but she ignored me and threatened to block me if I keep emailing her. We haven’t had any knock-down, drag out fights, and only a couple small spats in recent years, so this blind-sided me. Just two weeks prior to cutting me off, she had expressed her anxiety that Covid-19 would make it impossible for me to travel to see her and she would be isolated.

My heart is being ripped from my chest because I cannot see my grandson. It hurts too much to look at photos of him because he is just such a sweet and good natured baby, whom I was able to pour my love into. I just cry when I look at his pictures.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts, though no intentions of acting upon them. I live far from all family members and have moved a lot for work, so I often feel isolated. I called today to see about getting some help with my dark thoughts in response to not being able to see my grandson. Unfortunately, everyplace is full and have waiting lists to see a therapist. I have an appointment on Monday for an assessment with one center, who said they will help me find the right place to get what I need.

I am not sure that there is any help for me, but I’ve appreciated reading the posts of others who have suffered estrangement and lived through it. Prayers for all who are suffering the pain that BPD causes. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

You don't mention your daughter's age, and whether she's diagnosed specifically BPD or just "evidently mentally unwell", but you paint a pretty clear picture of some of her issues. Keep in mind it's also possible post-partum depression, or post-partum psychosis, may be either masking or causing some of her actions.

For what it's worth, people with BPD often report childhood molestation although typically not as infants. Either way, a substantial portion of the time it appears to have been likely (and thus a possible cause for the BPD), but another substantial portion of the time it appears to be false (and thus a possible symptom of the BPD). If there's one thing I've learned about BPD over the years...there really aren't any good answers - and few good outcomes. While you may benefit from therapy yourself, it does sound like your daughter is trying to leverage that fact so she can convince herself that SHE is not mentally unwell - because to her addled math, if you are "insane" then she must be "sane" (apparently not occurring to her she might be the same as you, or even worse).

But I do bear "good news" ( - we don't get to use that term often enough on this forum); the fact she expressed her fear that Covid would alienate you two just before cutting you out is actually a really big indicator to me that (assuming she's BPD) this is actually just a ploy by her to avoid "losing you" by instead "throwing you out". She actually subconsciously wants you as her comfort object, protector, friend, whatever...but the notion that external influence is (or in other cases, YOU are) going to threaten that relationship...means she wants to "act first, and cast you away before you have a chance to be taken away/leave".

Now, welcome to BPD...that's as "good" as "good news" gets, heh (sorry if the confetti got you too excited) -- but realistically it means that this is likely a short-term problem for you, and that her actual subconscious feelings towards you are still positive and she still WANTS you (aww,  )...but BPDs are absolutely terrified of abandonment, and therefore often stage melodramatic scenes that can last as long as necessary to convince themselves that really THEY ended the relationship. It's basically a control thing, except in their case it's driven by overwhelming fear and anxiety. So once she's managed to calm her fear that lockdown will steal you away, or that you'll reject her, she'll likely come back and be a little more...how you hope.

[once removed]

hi GuttedGrandma, and

i felt isolated and had suicidal thoughts when my ex romantic partner and i broke up. while it isnt everything, it really helped me to find this place, and to be amongst others who had walked, or were walking in my shoes. youre not alone.

"you must seek intensive long term therapy" is a pretty difficult starting point in negotiations. that can entail thousands of dollars.

it was reasonable, and wise of you, to suggest attending therapy with her, or to hear her out, or whatever you can feasibly do. sometimes, it is all you can do. sometimes it accomplishes more than you might think, although you may never know it. our loved ones, often times, mainly want to feel heard.

but an event caused her pain to push through

it does sound like something is going on with her. what happened?

[beatricex]

hi GuttedGrandma,

This sounds somewhat familar, my mom has BPD and when she raged, then later felt remorse for her actions, and as if an excuse for her bad behavior, she would break down and say "I never told you this before but...my father molested me."

I must have heard it hundreds of times by the time I was a young adult.  Everytime too, she started with "I never told you this before" (me thinking What, I've heard this before, starting probably at age 8?)

It did disarm me, and instead of being angry, I then felt sorry for her. 

I believe it did happen.  She confronted her half sisters late in life (they were much older than her), and all confirmed to her that they too had been molested by her father (to her half sisters, it would have been their step father).

Back to your daughter's behavior.  I'm not sure I see the connection between this happening and you needing intense therapy.  Is she angry because you purportedly did not protect her from her father?  You haven't apologized enough?  It's kind of like crazy making thinking - if she was an infant, how could she have even told you it happened, such that you would know?

Many people can and do survive sexual abuse, without blaming all their family members.  Perhaps her therapist should be working on putting the blame, if it's deserved, back where it belongs, on her father not you.  I think you're taking on some stuff that is not yours.

While it's very sad it happened, all you can really do, like in the case of my Mom, is try to be supportive.  But don't take on more than is really yours.  You're not a super human/super Mom, that could always be there to protect her, even if you really wished you could have been.  You're just a normal human being like the rest of us, flailing around making mistakes, like we all do.  It's normal.

 

b

[Atlmags]

I can so relate to how you feel. My daughter has 2 children and over the years she has threatened me SO many times with not allowing me to see them. This usually never lasted more than a few weeks, as she would then need childcare and ask me to care for them as if nothing had ever happened (single mother also); however, it is so painful when it is happening. I finally had enough of her threats and had an attorney send her a letter informing her that grandparents have visitation rights in my state (they do), and that if she did not let me see her children regularly I would seek legal action. It worked as she is terrified of DFACS taking her kids away. I have given up on ever trying to have a good relationship with my daughter, but I will be damned if she forces me to give up my grandchildren too. I realize this may be not be comfortable for many to do, but I finally had to realize that I have rights too and I dont' have to cowtow to her to 'keep the peace.'