False allegations - What do they hope to achieve?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone, first poster here.

My STBX-wife (who I consider has very clear BPD traits) and I separated last February after a 5 year marriage.  As with so many others' stories, it seemed to happen out of leftfield - I was ghosted completely out of what I thought was a successful, happy partnership.  I loved being married to her and being daddy to her two young children, who I absolutely adored, and they me.

She filed for divorce immediately and I was then arrested and charged with "controlling and coercive behaviour" against her.  All in all, a massive shock - I've never been in trouble with the Police before.  At the end of the day she had no evidence, and it's difficult for someone to claim they are controlled when they own their own house, own their own car (which I had bought her!), own their own mobile phone, have a job where the salary was paid into their own bank account, are free to go and see or call whoever, wherever and whenever they like.  I'd fully refurbished her house myself (the family home she kicked me out of) and was also paying her daughter through private school.  The case was dismissed by the Court in August.

It's been a long, hard road, but I now see the relationship for the one-sided situation it was.  I ignored so many red flags that were obvious - she lacks any real empathy, is the perpetual victim and has had many chaotic previous relationships, both personal and familial.

Due to the bail conditions I had been under, there had been no contact between us at all.  I waited until the beginning of December and decided (foolishly in retrospect) to reach out to her.  So, I wrote her a benign letter in an attempt to save my marriage (I'm one of these guys who actually thinks that marriage vows *mean* something).  No finger pointing, no blame - it simply outlined my experience and asked her if she'd consider having a conversation with me to try to get to the bottom of why we found ourselves where we were.  Ten days later, the Police turn up at my door and arrest me again.  This time the allegations were a lot more serious - that I'd sexually assaulted her back in January, and that I'd physically assaulted her daughter (the child I'd been paying through school).  The first allegation was dropped immediately, but I have been charged with the second one.  The reason being is that it turns out the other child has said that he saw me "push his sister and call her names", something which is entirely untrue.  The painful thing is that these were two kids who I wished had been my own, who trusted me, and saw me as their daddy for many years.  It now seems that their minds have been poisoned by someone who seems hell bent on destroying me.  I am confident that this charge will be dropped as well - there are simply too many people I can count on who are able to confirm the real dynamic and close relationship the children had with me

I guess my question is - what makes people like this persist in trying to punish others for perceived wrongdoing, even after the relationship has ended and they've got what they want?  In her case presumably that was me out of her house and her and her children's lives, on the grounds she believes I am some sort of abuser, even though the Police and judicial system disagree?  It's unbelievably stressful.

[swisco]

Hi everyone, first poster here.

My STBX-wife (who I consider has very clear BPD traits) and I separated last February after a 5 year marriage.  As with so many others' stories, it seemed to happen out of leftfield - I was ghosted completely out of what I thought was a successful, happy partnership.  I loved being married to her and being daddy to her two young children, who I absolutely adored, and they me.

She filed for divorce immediately and I was then arrested and charged with "controlling and coercive behaviour" against her.  All in all, a massive shock - I've never been in trouble with the Police before.  At the end of the day she had no evidence, and it's difficult for someone to claim they are controlled when they own their own house, own their own car (which I had bought her!), own their own mobile phone, have a job where the salary was paid into their own bank account, are free to go and see or call whoever, wherever and whenever they like.  I'd fully refurbished her house myself (the family home she kicked me out of) and was also paying her daughter through private school.  The case was dismissed by the Court in August.

It's been a long, hard road, but I now see the relationship for the one-sided situation it was.  I ignored so many red flags that were obvious - she lacks any real empathy, is the perpetual victim and has had many chaotic previous relationships, both personal and familial.

Due to the bail conditions I had been under, there had been no contact between us at all.  I waited until the beginning of December and decided (foolishly in retrospect) to reach out to her.  So, I wrote her a benign letter in an attempt to save my marriage (I'm one of these guys who actually thinks that marriage vows *mean* something).  No finger pointing, no blame - it simply outlined my experience and asked her if she'd consider having a conversation with me to try to get to the bottom of why we found ourselves where we were.  Ten days later, the Police turn up at my door and arrest me again.  This time the allegations were a lot more serious - that I'd sexually assaulted her back in January, and that I'd physically assaulted her daughter (the child I'd been paying through school).  The first allegation was dropped immediately, but I have been charged with the second one.  The reason being is that it turns out the other child has said that he saw me "push his sister and call her names", something which is entirely untrue.  The painful thing is that these were two kids who I wished had been my own, who trusted me, and saw me as their daddy for many years.  It now seems that their minds have been poisoned by someone who seems hell bent on destroying me.  I am confident that this charge will be dropped as well - there are simply too many people I can count on who are able to confirm the real dynamic and close relationship the children had with me

I guess my question is - what makes people like this persist in trying to punish others for perceived wrongdoing, even after the relationship has ended and they've got what they want?  In her case presumably that was me out of her house and her and her children's lives, on the grounds she believes I am some sort of abuser, even though the Police and judicial system disagree?  It's unbelievably stressful.

[kells76]

Welcome to the community, swisco 

So sorry for the damage and loss that is happening in your life -- even more difficult because, as you said, it has seemed to come suddenly out of nowhere.

That being said, you also have realized that there were a lot of warnings and sirens along the way. That's wise to be able to look back and say "Well, yeah, I guess this didn't really come out of nowhere, even though it was sudden and shocking nonetheless."

The painful thing is that these were two kids who I wished had been my own, who trusted me, and saw me as their daddy for many years.  It now seems that their minds have been poisoned by someone who seems hell bent on destroying me.

That is so painful. I'm sorry you and the kids are going through this. It's destructive when a parent manipulates their kids.

what makes people like this persist in trying to punish others for perceived wrongdoing, even after the relationship has ended and they've got what they want?

Such a pertinent question for all of us here. I've been turning it over in my mind for a long time now. Like, what's the point of false accusations? Why do people make them? What to they hope to attain? And why the continuation of commitment to falsehood, even after, to an outside observer, it seems like "they got what they wanted"?

I think part of the persistence in commitment to falsehood even after "getting the goal" is that the outward goal isn't really the goal.

The true, inner goal of someone making false accusations is resolution of a deep psychological need, I think.

A psychological/psychical need stemming from way, way back. Something really, really deep and profound, that getting an "outward" goal isn't going to satisfy.

Not sure if you've heard of Dr. Craig Childress -- he's a child psychologist working in California. He has thought a lot about why parents bring their kids into these conflicts, and proposes that it's a reenactment of the parent's own trauma/psychology. There's an urge to reenact something that happened to them long ago, with a profound and intense need for resolution. If that isn't "achieved", they keep pushing, though often or always without the self-reflection allowing them to see "hey, this isn't really about protecting my kids... this is about me working out my stuff".

Check out this brief diagram/explanation, and let us know your thoughts:

https://drcachildress.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Tran-generational-Structure-of-Parental-Alienation-Dynamics-Childress-2010.pdf

We're here to keep talking.

Again, welcome;

kells76

[formflier]

I'm so sorry this is happening.  I'm one of those "vow guys" as well.  Please know that I hope and pray you don't alter your belief in vows and the values they represent.

Obviously...they way those values are expressed, at least with this particular person...likely need to be altered.

The true, inner goal of someone making false accusations is resolution of a deep psychological need, I think.

And I will add...   They are unlikely to be able to express this or even acknowledge it to themselves. 

I suppose the pain they are suffering or would have to acknowledge is too great and perhaps it is easier to assign that pain to an "abuser" or "assaulter" or "attacker" than to look in the mirror.

Said another way, it's unlikely she thought this through...her feelings are leading the charge.

What does your lawyer say about the charge(s).  You would think that the courts would be suspicious and ask why these things were only "remembered" after the first round of charges fell short.


Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

And that, sadly, is mental illness.  It isn't 'normal'.  Everyday common sense goes out the window... these emotionally inflamed Blaming and Blame Shifting allegations are made to cause others to react in shock, surely a spouse wouldn't make such allegations after years together if there was fire somewhere in the smoking claims.

BPD is a disorder of close relationships, the closer two people are the more evident it is.  At first she probably idolized you, now it's the reverse.  Added to that, she perceives too much emotional baggage from the relationship that she can't or won't be able to listen to you.

Many here have lived your life.  (I separated with a police visit too.  There were numerous allegations to CPS, hospitals, etc.  Since she had initially been arrested for Threat of DV, there weren't any DV claims until I was seeking full custody and finally she claimed I'd choked her some 4-5 years earlier.  By then they had figured her out, court didn't even bother to ask me about it, it just noted her allegation in a short paragraph in the decision to let me proceed with seeking custody.)

Over time the members here have gained a vast array of collective wisdom.  We've seen which strategies typically work and which approaches generally don't.  Feel free to tap the resources here.

Textbooks have been written about these acting-out disorders.  It's like the people with BPD (pwBPD) have a BPD Handbook from BPD class 101.  The cases are so similar yet often quite different in the extremes.  Though the individual persons are quite unpredictable, there are patterns in them so that we can anticipate what problems might arise even if they're erratic and unpredictable.

If these are not your biological children and you haven't adopted them then you will probably have to save yourself and stay apart.  She won't stop with the allegations.  And the system is set up so that every allegation has to be heard.  Despite being absurd consider who you are as a person, she will be so vehemently and emotionally compelling that they have to scrutinize you.  That takes time and of course you suffer while waiting for justice.  And there's a risk that you may not get justice, the court could err on the side of caution and consider you guilty just in case.

You letter was well intended, however she had permanently painted you black and you didn't realize the depth of her shift against you.  You won't ever get an honest explanation, much less closure, from her.  So what to do?  Gift yourself the closure you seek so you can walk away, hopefully in one piece.  Maybe that's a bit blunt but that's probably accurate.

You need an experienced lawyer, especially for the pending charges.   Do not ever accept a plea deal, courts like that because it lessens their work load but those deals carry an admission of guilt and you can't admit to something you didn't do that would legally haunt you for years to come.

If you haven't already, read this essential handbook "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.

[CoherentMoose]

I too welcome you to this board.  I'm so sorry at what brings you here.  The unfairness of it all can be overwhelming if you let it.  Don't.  You didn't cause this.  A person with a mental illness did.  And used her children in the process.  Accept that and press on.  Take time for self-care and healing.  Eat healthy, exercise, and most important, get good sleep.  Retrench your defenses.  Absolutely with ruthlessness go no-contact and communicate only through your lawyer.  You cannot change her, and she's proven what she is capable of and more than willing to do.  The why is moot at this point.  If you need to vent, do so in here.  You'll find people who have been there and can vector you to solutions.  Good luck, and be well.  CoMo

[swisco]

Many thanks for your useful views, which are all food for thought.

A lot of what you've all said confirms my thinking about what's happened.  I don't like putting labels on people, but I've had a lot of time now to research all of this, and the pieces seem to fit with what BPD behaviour looks like.

She has a history of mental illness, and that combined with a father who she claims abused her as a child, and a totally self-absorbed mother who she has a "complicated" relationship with (noticed by others as well), she probably never stood a chance.

The start of our relationship was very intense, and to me, her persona never really changed much over the piece as far as her behaviour with me was concerned.  So in that sense I wasn't really devalued to my face.  However, I discovered retrospectively that she had been smearing me to her family and several other mutual acquaintances for some considerable time.  These were people that she complained about to me - so I kept my distance from them.  It does make you wonder whether they knew what she had been saying to me - classic triangulation if you ask me.

Other behaviours involved regular accusations that I didn't find her attractive, or that I would run off and leave her (neither of which ever crossed my mind).  If we did argue (which was relatively little, although more prevalent towards the end) and I'd say perhaps that was going for a drive to get some milk or something (to give both of us some breathing space and spare the kids hearing an argument) I've never witnessed such over-reaction in my life.  Banging her head against a wall, screaming, crying, running off with my car keys, and on one occasion lying in front of the car so I couldn't move it.  I believe she was projecting a lot of her own behaviour on to me as well.  Before I met her, she had actually been arrested for assaulting her daughter by a member of the public after an incident in the street.  The other thing that springs to mind is that 3 weeks after I left, another car was in her driveway, who I believe belongs to her ex-husband (father of the children, who lives several hundred miles away - although it could be someone entirely different)  It was there all through the summer before leaving again when the schools went back.  It arrived back again for the half term holiday and left again (Sounds like I'm a stalker, but I have friends in the village we lived in who have kept me informed)  Perhaps this ghosting me and abuse allegation stuff is all about the fact that she's covering up her own shame?  There's also the grim reality I'm having to accept that someone who actually loves you wouldn't walk into a police station and tell lies to have you arrested - thereby putting at risk your livelihood, liberty and reputation.

[scraps66]

Control and chaos.  Power.