Suicide, Mixed Emotions and the Ultimate Guilt Trip

[Resiliant]

Sorry this is a long one – only for those who are interested (or bored).

Only what - less than 10% of people with BPD actually commit suicide?   To me that means over 90% don't.   What can I say, I'm a glass-half full kind of person and I prefer to look at it in that way.

At the same time, I wonder how those numbers might change if we included those that were never diagnosed.   Not something that would show up in an autopsy!

I take the risk very seriously.   I have lost 2 uncles to suicide.   My friend lost her son to suicide.  My son is suicidal.  My neighbor’s daughter is suicidal.  Hmmmmm – maybe there is something in the water?

For the last 5 years or so I have been researching all I can about suicide prevention, and trying to mentally prepare myself in case it happens as I live with the possibility that my own dear precious son may decide to take his own life.

Still, I got it when Sancho commented about staying working on the computer while daughter rushed in and out of the house frantically looking for a rope, and when another member commented about feeling better finding a group that understands when he/she can’t remember exactly how long it had been since the last time their child attempted suicide.   I have to admit that once, when my son sent me a text telling me that the next time I saw him he would be hanging from the tree outside our picture window I nearly laughed.  It’s a terrible thing to admit.  At the time I happened to be right in front of the picture window and I guess I was amused by his imagination as I related to the image of someone hanging from the tree.   It should have horrified me but I suppose that I was to the point of being emotionally numb and at that particular moment I suspected that he had no intention of killing himself. 

Sometimes I am only mildly concerned, to the point of being almost indifferent.   Other times I am gravely concerned, like right now while my son is spiraling.  Should I be jumping on a plane for the 3,600 km trip and staying with him?   Should I have him committed?   Sadly, I don’t believe that these things will work so I am not doing them.  Yet, I am aware of the fact that if something happens, I will still regret not trying them.

Then added to the sting, in the painful desperation to get us to act or understand we are offered the ultimate one-way ticket to the longest guilt trip imaginable.   It’s like being given a fare for the fastest speed train that you can never get off.

My neighbor’s daughter said to him “One day you are going to be reading my obituary, and you are going to know it’s your fault”.

My son raged at me on Christmas Day with the words  “You are going to have to live with the fact that it was too inconvenient for you to you to fix things.  Too inconvenient for you to recognize that your son’s life has been put on hold for 10 years.  Too inconvenient to include your son in your life and tell your husband….   You are going to have to live with the fact that you sacrificed your son so you could live this wonderful happy life without him in the way…”     Believe me I don't want to live my life without him.  This is about him fighting our boundaries.   

It was approximately 2 years ago that I learned about BPD.   I wasn’t looking for it in particular at all.  From something that I read online I was led to Valerie Porr's book on BPD - A Family Guide to Healing and Change.  I purchased the book and my eyes were opened.  Word for word everything in that book resonated with me.   I thought wow, I should start a support group that studies books like this one – similar to a Bible or book study group except with books on BPD.  I love Valerie’s book, but I believe it’s a starting point and we need to read more books too.  Anyways, I thought we could study chapters one by one, discuss them and practice validation skills together.  Maybe have qualified therapist presenters once in a while.  I thought that it might be helpful for anyone who is dealing with a loved one with other types of mental illnesses or disorders as well.

So, I contacted a highly regarded DBT therapist and he agreed to a video interview and gave me some terrific support and information.

In the mean-time I called a friend who was dealing with mental health issues with her son.  I didn’t know her all that well but I knew she was struggling and I also knew her son since he was 7 or so and he always reminded me of my son (ADHD / Asperger’s).  I invited her to my new “support group” and said even if we start with the two of us.   We had a good long talk and she confided about many issues but still politely declined saying that she had joined an Al-Anon group which she found helpful and was learning much about the effect of marijuana on a young brain.  I was disappointed but I understood her position.   That was in June last year.

So, in August of last year I joined our group here.  It was actually referred to me by the therapist that I had interviewed.

Only two months after I called my friend, on September 20th I was at a mutual friend’s place when they received the call that my friend’s son was gone.  He had hung himself in their garage 1 week after his 17th birthday.   I was crushed that it was too late to make a difference.  Crushed that I didn’t try harder.  Crushed that the underlying issues may have been missed.

I didn’t share the experience here until now.  I was fairly new to the group at the time and other parents were dealing with so many fears around suicide that I didn’t feel right bringing this up so I grieved on my own.  It has taken me over a year and I still can’t talk about it without my voice breaking up.

I feel that if I write this down and share it then maybe I can heal.  Thanks to everyone who has read this thus far.

I wrote a note to my friend that said “Please know and always remember that you didn’t fail.  You lost.  You lost to something much stronger and more powerful than you and I.”

I hope it brought her some comfort.  If I lose this battle one day, I hope and pray that I can believe that for myself.

R

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tulipps]

"Please know and always remember that you didn’t fail.  You lost.  You lost to something much stronger and more powerful than you and I."

Great message. Thank you, R.

T.

[Baglady]

Hi R,

Thanks for sharing this - so reflective and profound 

I think one of the most poisonous social constructs that is foisted on all of us is the notion that "love conquers all" - be it romantic, parental, sibling etc. in nature.

Patently, love can ameliorate a lot of things in life but it has extremely limited power in the face of a serious mental illness...or indeed any type of serious physical illness (i.e. cancer, a degenerative disease etc.).  An individual cannot love or self-abdicate away the suicidal intent of another or indeed the terminal illness of another.

I have lost friends to suicide.  For me, it helps to think of serious mental illness in the same way that I think of a serious physical illness like cancer or dementia etc.  The loved one may be likely to pass (either by their own hand or due to the effects of the physical illness) but much as I deeply love them - my actions, thoughts, feelings may have little to no impact on the eventual outcome of their struggle.  Simply, I can strive to be there for them in whatever capacity they allow but that is it.

People with BPD say the most wounding, horrible things to the people who truly love them most.  I try to put as much meaning into their words as I do to the ramblings of my mother who suffers from severe dementia - in other words - not much.  It's so hard to do though 

You are living up to your name daily R.  Cling to your perspective, it is the correct one.  You are not failing, nor have you ever been failing.  Some forces in life are just that much stronger than love.

Warmly,   
B

[Sancho]

Thank you for your post Resiliant. I think you really spelt out the dilemma we all feel. The figures are quite daunting - ten percent is very high, and a figure that is always in the back of my mind.

The problem is that we are all cornered. We are pressured with huge guilt trips and emotional distress ( '“You are going to have to live with the fact that it was too inconvenient for you to you to fix things') and yet we are powerless to do, or even suggest options.

I like Baglady's analogy: if our loved one had cancer or some physical ill, we would have a clear supportive role. The medicos would be making the suggestions and taking control of the plan to address the illness. We have nothing.

I am a teacher and a Year 8 boy took his life here a few weeks ago. Family is devastated. And you have had to go through this in your family on more than one occasion - and your friend!

My BPD d comes and goes. When she is away is when I most feel distressed at not being able to change the course she is on. I think of all sorts of possibilities and toss around options to present to her.

When she is home and lashing out verbal abuse and slamming doors so hard they get damaged, I face the reality that, after 15 or so years of trying all that can think of, there is nothing more I can do.

I keep loving her, try to send positive vibes from me to her whenever I can - and I push away any judgemental thoughts that might creep into my mind as soon as I possibly can.

No one can advise you what is the right thing to do in your circumstance. But I think everyone here would want you to be able to push aside any feelings of guilt, do whatever you think is the best thing to do at this point of your journey with your son and know that you have done all that you can. Thanks again.

[Resiliant]

Thank you Tulipps, BagLady and Sancho for your warm responses.  The really mean a lot to me.

One thing that I love about BPDFamily is that whether we are posting needing support, or offering support we get such genuine and caring feedback.

It is such a welcome relief - and a healing one -  from dealing with our loved ones who baffle us with with anger and resistance when we try to do the same with them.

Happy New Year!

R

[PearlsBefore]

I wrote a note to my friend that said “Please know and always remember that you didn’t fail.  You lost.  You lost to something much stronger and more powerful than you and I.” I hope it brought her some comfort.  If I lose this battle one day, I hope and pray that I can believe that for myself.

A monk wrote a letter to someone I know personally, many years ago, which then even after the author's death in turn gave me strength in my darkest times. He wrote that you must not be dependent on the hope of results, because some of the vocations that we choose to pursue are such that our work will one day appear to have been useless and achieved no result at all, if not indeed results opposite to our intention. He wrote that it was thus important to divorce in our minds, the purity, correctness and value of the work itself, from the results it achieves. His letter, which I've paraphrased here, now appears in countless books of quotations and inspirational religious studies. I hope anyone suffering the loss of a loved one gains comfort from it, and from your more succinct version of the same sentiment. As the greater Roosevelt opined, we may be proud to be one "who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds".

Still, I got it when...another member commented about feeling better finding a group that understands when he/she can’t remember exactly how long it had been since the last time their child attempted suicide.   I have to admit that once, when my son sent me a text telling me that the next time I saw him he would be hanging from the tree outside our picture window I nearly laughed.  It’s a terrible thing to admit.

I'm not sure whether I was the one you had in mind, but I've certainly frequently echoed that the in-person support group I found for caretakers of BPD was one of the most miraculous feelings in my life - suddenly being surrounded by other parents, spouses and other loved ones none of whom raised an eyebrow when I said it was mostly just irrelevant and unimportant suicide attempts during a particular time period as opposed to others, and in turn they loved that I didn't judge them when they talked about having wrestled a relative to the ground when they were off their meds.

I consistently encourage people on this forum to seek out these RL groups because I cannot explain the magic of standing next to these people, drinking stale coffee with them, and just...nowhere else can someone speak the phrase "I grew a beard this  month for the same reason we don't have any knives larger than a butter knife in our kitchen and my wife's legs are getting hairy - it's just easier with our daughter" or "Paramedics on the ambulance ride said dispatch doesn't even give them an address anymore and just gives them our surname and they know where to go - and I'm not sure whether it was a dark joke or true", or whatever...and just be instantly accepted without judgment, without people thinking they're insane, without criticism or second-guessing.

In one of these church-basement support groups for loved ones of BPD, a spouse described it felt like they were driving along the highway of life in their little Mini-Hybrid-Prius while their BPD-spouse was on the road ahead of them in a monster truck, swerving violently and knocking over utility poles, fire hydrants, causing pedestrians to scream and jump out of the way...and when the Mini-spouse tries to pull out to pass the chaotic partner, they swerve into her car and jump out and starting chimping out, gaslighting and accusing them of being reckless and dangerous for daring to try and pass them. Obviously it resonated with me, since the mental image remains with me years later.

[Baglady]

Hi Pearl 

OMG - the Mini-hybrid/Monster Truck "Hollywood car chase" analogy is simply gold!   

Amazingly apt visual that succinctly encapsulates the absurd type of engagement most of us "nons" encounter in interactions with our BPD 

Warmly,
B