NPD wife filed divorce

[Charlie6141]

Married 30 years. Wife has long history of mental health issues. Last tried marriage therapy 5 years ago and wife stopped therapy and psychiatric care after marriage therapist and her psychiatrist said she was having psychotic delusions. Very relieved to finally be getting divorced. I could never bring myself to make the move because I promised "for better or worse". Divorce action came after I confronted her about not contributing to family expenses, dating web sites on credit card bills, unannounced/unexplained overnight trips alone, divorce lawyer consults on credit cards, shutting me out from her family. I told her I needed her to be open and honest or we were finished. Two weeks later she went to court.  She filed ex parte order of protection on same day she filed for divorce and falsely accused me of physical abuse. Now we are lawyered up and 2 months into the divorce. I am being 100% cooperative and providing all required information on time. She is delaying providing her financial data. I've known the marriage was over for several years. She has been disdainful towards me for years, works and makes about 1/3 what I make but contributed zero to shared expenses. I know she has only stayed because it was easier for her with me covering all the expenses. Based on what I've read I think she is probably long time NPD. The grandiosity, superficial charm, transactional view of relationships, manipulation, demeaning abusive behavior, all fits. Also erratic moods swings: one day saying she hates me and I ruined her life, next day saying we need to get back to how we used to happy. And I am probably over-empathetic, always making excuses for her behavior, always thinking things might improve, and becoming more and more socially isolated. I'm hopeful the divorce will go smoothly. My lawyer says it's a simple case. But I'm also worried she will complicate the divorce just to show she still has power over me. I'm following lawyer's advice to have zero contact with ex, but would appreciate any feedback from others who have been through similar.

[Mutt]

Hi Charlie6141, 



I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site here. Divorce is difficult under normal circumstances and the difficulty curve spikes straight up when you have an SO with a personality disorder traits. I'm glad that you have decided to join us it helps to talk to members that can relate with your situation because they have gone through something similar. You're not alone.

I'm glad to hear that your L ( lawyer) said that your situation should be straight forward I will give you a link to Bill Eddy's book on divorcing a partner with a PD you can also use the search option for BPDFamily at the top and search for "Bill Eddy"

You mentioned that you're struggling with connecting with family and friends. Are you seeing a T? ( Therapist)  Do you have kids with your stbxpwNPD?  Are the kids taking sides? 

Here is another link on "no contact".

[MeandThee29]

My lawyer says it's a simple case. But I'm also worried she will complicate the divorce just to show she still has power over me. I'm following lawyer's advice to have zero contact with ex, but would appreciate any feedback from others who have been through similar.

Mine was a gray divorce. He initiated the process, and it was supposed to be simple too. It wasn't. Hopefully you have a flexible, intuitive attorney who can get it done. It's so much more than the law. Mine took 4x longer than it should have and cost proportionally that, but my attorney found what he called "the wedge" and got it settled out of court. A year later, I'm still in closeout though. More games and then COVID, and still waiting for the last order to implemented.

Maintain your dignity. Be responsive. Be reasonable. Don't expect that from the other side. Prepare for the long haul.