Stepmother has BPD traits and is ruining my relationship with my father

[kay24]

Hi there, I'm so glad I found this forum. I'm at a total loss as to how to handle my stepmother. I don't know for sure that she has BPD but she displays a lot of traits of the disorder, as does her daughter. She is actually a psychologist herself and has mentioned that she thinks her daughter might have BPD but I've never heard her admit to having it herself. She displays behavior that is so far from anything I've ever seen from a grown adult before that it sometimes makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. If I didn't have my brother there to witness it with me I might think that I was hallucinating.

My parents have been divorced since I was a kid (now 30). My mom has been happily remarried for years. When my dad first met stepmom my brother and I were thrilled - she seemed so nice, smart, and a little nerdy just like him. This was when I was 18 and just about to leave for college. I really genuinely liked her for 5 whole years...until they got married. It was like a switch flipped and all of a sudden this bubbly, personable woman was an emotionally unstable teenager in the body of an adult. On family vacations she would get into a screaming match with her daughter in public, which would end with them both in storming off in tears and my dad running after them to fix the problem. I found the drama triangle on this site and the victim/rescuer dynamic describes their relationship perfectly. They are constantly in those roles with a rotating cast of persecutors, which has unfortunately come to include me.

Other things she does:

• Sees something fleeting that makes her sad and suddenly bursts into tears even at very inappropriate times (i.e. in a nice restaurant)
• Speaks to my father in a very unnerving "baby" voice, which he has started to do in response. They don't seem to realize how strange this is.
• Becomes completely unstable when left alone for short periods of time. Will cry and accuse others of abandoning her for being late to a dinner or for going somewhere without her.
• Always finds a way to make every big event about her, for example she pushed her daughter to schedule her wedding on her (stepmom's) birthday
• Gets very angry about politics and will inappropriately berate people, such as my teenage cousin, over their political views. Extremely morally self righteous.
• Oddly controlling over me. When I told them I was planning to move out of state she got incredibly weepy and emotional, acting like I was abandoning her and breaking up the family, which really threw me off. She's not even my real parent and my actual mother was happy and supportive of my decision!
• She monopolizes my dad's attention 24/7. He used to be a really caring dad who loved to spend time with us. We played board games and sports and traveled together. Now, whenever I am with them my dad completely ignores me and my brother in favor of her or her daughter. He only pays attention to us when he is scolding us for something, which he now does much more harshly than when we were kids and lived with him.
• My dad acts totally differently when he's not with her. When he comes to my city on business we have dinner and he is a completely normal person exactly like he used to be. When he's with her he's this strange combination of therapeutic (towards her) and whimsically childish. He was not like that at all until marrying her.
• She is obsessed with rules and derives a disturbing amount of joy from turning other people in for breaking them, even really petty ones
• Despite being divorced, my dad and my mom always had a positive relationship as co-parents. After marrying stepmom my dad suddenly became very rude, angry and hostile towards my mom and now refuses to speak to her. She's just confused because she used to see him a couple times a year at our birthdays and nothing happened between them. My hunch is that stepmom gets some joy out of ganging up on her and turning her into a villain.

All of this sounds like BPD, right? It has been so bizarre for my brother and I to deal with because we are very close to our mom's side of the family which is extremely chill and normal. If anything, that side of the family is too unemotional, but it's clear that we are all mature adults who have good mutual relationships in which we have fun together and help each other out. It wasn't until I was 23 and stepmom showed her true colors that I realized adults could actually be so emotionally unstable and immature. I have no idea how to respond to her outbursts except to go completely silent and wait for it to be over. I talk to my dad less and less every year and she seems to like it that way. He no longer texts me directly but always sends a group message that goes to her as well. My mom is dumbfounded at how he behaves because he's like a completely different person from when they were married.

I know this post was long but I have so much to say about this! Has anyone else had a similar experience? How do you learn to cope with a BPD parent when you didn't grow up with anyone like that? Am I doomed to lose my dad forever or could he wake up to how much she's taken control of his life? So far my brother, my aunt, and my two cousins all publicly agree with me about her being completely off the charts insane. It seems so obvious to everyone but him.

[khibomsis]

Kay24,  , and welcome to BPD family! It does indeed sound like BPD, especially the triangulation (recruiting and turning people against each other). People with BPD sometimes go for the caring professions in an attempt to deal with their own demons. Some very well, like Marsha Linehan, who worked out ways for BPD people to heal. BPD can also run in families, so if the daughter has it, it is worth asking where she got it from?
I feel for you in this situation, it is hard enough to deal with blended families without adding BPD to the mix. Personally I feel your father is the lucky one, so many of us on these boards are here because we feel we cannot share the craziness with family.
I think one would would need to know more to advise you properly, for instance, whether you have tried to see or communicate with your father separately, and how, if so, he responded?
In the meantime be patient. I have been through a second marriage and one always tries harder to make it work. The failures of the first are mighty teacher and with age one gets more determined. Mine didn't work out, but it is comprehensible why your father might be trying to turn a blind eye. It won't last. At some point he could be looking for support and will be glad you are there. Focus on you in the meantime, this whole ordeal must be very painful for you and your brother. What do you do to restore yourself? 

[GreyArea]

Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to see your dad with someone like that.

That being said, it doesn't sound like she has BPD based on the examples. She definitely sounds immature, selfish and has unhealthy coping mechanisms with herself, her family and with your dad. I think your dad would have a better idea (I'm not suggesting you ask him) as to really see the behavior of BPD I think being around them 24/7 would give you a better idea and also to be a part of those conversations between the two of them. Which, of course, isn't possible.

When I think of people with BPD I think of suicide threats, extreme paranoia, loud and uncontrollable outbursts and then a few minutes later being totally 'fine,' Those are the examples I have experienced in people that have actual, diagnosed BPD.

Doesn't make being around her any easier, diagnosis or not. I feel for you. I am happy to hear that you have a good relationship with your mother.

[Notwendy]

BPD is a spectrum disorder and so people can vary in the traits they have. None of us are qualified to actually diagnose someone with BPD and many here have family members who do not have an actual diagnosis of BPD but exhibit the behaviors that are familiar to many of us here.

My own personal feeling is "if the shoe fits, use the tools". Even if someone has traits and would not be formally diagnosed, the relationship patterns can still be difficult and the tools here for dealing with these behaviors can help.

How does one cope when you didn't grow up with this? Probably not much different. In a way even better since you were not taught from early childhood that this was "normal" and you needed to accept it as that. But also you do need to accept that your father made this choice and even if it is affecting him in ways that upset you, it's still his choice to be in this situation.

In my own experience (BPD mom) - any idea that you think there's something wrong with her could result in your being cut off from your father. If she feels threatened he will take her side as rescuer. Since you are an adult and don't live with them when you visit, just act as if nothing is happening.

My BPD mother listened in on my phone calls with my father and read any emails. When you speak to your dad, assume that anything you say to him will be shared with his wife. It's truly not you, he made this choice to be enmeshed with her.

My BPD mother actually had the power to ruin our relationship and she did when she was angry at me. I know that isn't what you want or wish for, I didn't either, but to stay in contact with your Dad- play it safe with your step mom. Keep visits brief if they bother you, but don't shake this situation up. Your father chose it and only he can choose to change that.