Not sure where to start

[Ruffuss]

Hello everyone,

I'm new so Ill start with some history. I met a woman 4 years ago. Fell in love at first sight and sealed after the first kiss. She was amazing but there were issues.

We dated a few times, had dinner with her family and then had sex the following weekend when we were drunk. She was still dating other guys unbeknownst to me. She told me she kissed a guy after we had made love and I was upset. I let it go but asked her to delete him from our lives as she was still hanging out with him as friends. She did but made an issue out of it.

She has PTSD, Anxiety, clinical depression and was diagnosed with BPD. I was there when she was diagnosed.

She lived her life on line and I could never understand it. She had heavy social media presence. 5 Instagram accounts, snapchat with a fake name, many FB accounts and who knows what else but love is blind. Adding guys who she didn't know " just to get to know them" seemed really odd to me. I told her why not get to know your BF and not so much other guys. I was told many things about her and not to get involved but I believe people can change.

We had several arguments over the years but most of the time it was me trying to hold her accountable for her actions, in a kind way, which always seemed to be MY issues and not hers. Never slept together overnight and if so maybe 4 time's in 4 years which bothered me to.

Now there were many many times we seemed like a normal couple doing lots of couple things but part of my always felt like I was being used.

Both of us in our mid to late 40's. Between us we had 9 kids from separate family's ( me 5 kids with one woman, her 4 with 3 fathers.) It felt good and right. It was especially good for me since I had lost my last GF to suicide. ( it took me 3 years before I dated again ). She didn't work at the time so I did a lot of helping her out with meals for her and her kids. I did all the driving always.

I'm a talker and believe in communicating through conversation to settle arguments and create a deeper bond, her not so much. It was forget it the next day which in turn became a withhold and frustration grew! We broke up a few times. She broke up with me 7 months ago and didn't talk to me for a month before she attempted contact. That was odd to as she posted on FB for me to see only about a garbage dilemma she had so of course with my good nature I went and helped her.

I never swore at her or physically hurt her in any way. There were times I know I hurt her but I was protecting myself. There's tons more but lets keep it simple for now.

I noticed she started to distance herself from me over the last 4 months. Not replying to my texts or short answers. Would pick what she wanted to answer from my texts and so on. I think this had to do with her Bumble account she started the last time we broke up. she is still on it as I made a fake account and deleted it just to see and she was there. Its funny because her profile indicated things she like to do were ALL the things we did together and who I am.

We were going to move in together but she ended up taking a place we looked at that even she said was to small for all our kids but when we left she contacted the owner and rented it. she didn't say anything to me. Not a "hey babe I'm sorry but I love the place and maybe we can make it work." Nothing. not even an apology

So fast forward to this past Christmas. I spent it with her and we were to go visit her parents that weekend when she decided to go alone. It bothered me and I let her know as I wanted to go ( I know her parents very well (( they love me) and her dad for 30 years ). I had text her a few time's that morning when she left and called a few times in a few hours and no answer. then I get the text from her " I'm driving to my parents and do not text or call. I cant take pics on my phone since you're texting." I let it go.

a few days pass now.

Now I quit smoking but I had surgery coming up and was stressed about my relationship. Well she caught me smoking and lost it. Said I lied to her for 4 years about it, hated liars and smokers. She went NC. I had sent several texts telling her I didn't lie and I wasn't smoking for 4 years. She didn't accept it. New years day I wake at 5am. So I check my kids online presence as I monitor it to keep it safe and her daughter told mine that she broke up with me over a chat app. So I check FB and Insta and Im blocked and deleted everywhere! 4 years together and I helped her TONS. Gave her all my love, brought down my walls and gave into her and she ghosted me!

a few days later

So now I'm at the drug store and she's parked in the parking lot. I go in and look but don't see her. I look outside and see her backing up so I went outside and she sped off. I've seen her now a couple times and she acts as if I don't exist!

I have sent three emails to her since. One letting her know I care, two letting her know I love her and she's not the sum of her diagnosis and the third just reminding her or a couple good times we had, a heavy apology for the things I did and to let her know I love and care about her.

Im having a very hard time getting over the " why"? The what was real and what wasn't. what was truth and what wasn't.

The other hard part is she still has some of my stuff and I have a trailer of hers in my driveway ( its in my name, long story)

Her birthday is this month and so is Valentines day so I know its going to be hard on me but I don't know what to do. I read so much that they are trying to test you to see if you'll do anything to get them back and others saying to leave it and move on.

Just another lost soul trying to piece it all together.

Any insight would help me greatly.

Thanks for your time,
Ruffuss

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are difficult. Here’s an article that gives an overview of how BPD relationships often progress:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Perhaps you’ll see some similarities to your situation.

[Ruffuss]

WoW...That's spot on, I cant believe it. Was there ever love? Was it real? I hate asking myself these questions. 4 years and it was all a lie?

[Ruffuss]

The other part I don't know what to do about is that's she still has my stuff. I cant call or text. I can email but I doubt Ill get a response. I cant just go there or shell call the cops for sure as her PTSD will kick in. Should I call it a wash and forget about my stuff? Is it a ploy to contact me in the future?

[maxsterling]

Sounds a little like a 6 month r/s I had with an older woman before I got married.  She likely is NPD.  Looking back, it was never stable, yet at the time in my mind I made excuses and justifications that it was a normal relationship.  She claimed she loved me, we spent lots of time together, had good times and I got along great with her son.  There were a few rages on her end, some psychotic weirdness (claiming she saw my "other girlfriend" in a vision), but all in all it felt stable to me.  Then suddenly one weekend while I was visiting her, she said "this isn't working" and ended it.  I said okay, and drove home.  She was then upset that I left, said she was hurt by that, then said she wanted me in her life forever.  I was confused.  I exchanged emails with her for a month or two, but quickly learned she really did not care about me.  I confronted her on it via email and about stuff of mine that she had, and she blew up on me in a quick response.  She said she donated my stuff.  Then nothing from her in a month, and then she sent me a holiday greeting.  I sent her a holiday greeting in return, then nothing since. 

Being away from it helped me untangle and see things from a new perspective.  I suspect the same will happen with you.  Don't waste your energy trying.  Take care of you, and for now don't worry about the things of hers that you have unless they are urgent.  After a month, you can send an email and remind her that she still has your things and you want them back.  If you are really concerned about them, I suggest contacting members of her family that can assist you in retrieving them.

[Ruffuss]

I think its hard for me to stay away because her kids still talk and see mine. She is in my life indirectly and I cant stop that as Id be hurting mine and her kids. Its a tough spot to be in. She has her trailer in my yard and its a constant reminder of her and the trip I had to make to get it. I have gone to some seriously extreme miles for this woman who never saw what I did was out of love and compassion for her. She always thought I was holding it above her like some tally board