New here and need help managing my feelings around my BFs BPD ex

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone.  I have been living with my SO and his S10 for close to a year now.  He shares custody with S10's BPD mother and she technically is the custodial parent, though she goes through cycles of barely seeing him with no explanations (17 days straight seeing him for 1/2 hour during that time, etc). 
She makes everyone's lives a living hell. She doesn't drive. She demands to be driven around, have things dropped off that her son wants or needs when she has him and I'm sure its a ploy to ruin our time together and just generally inconvenience SO.  S10 scream cries most of the time when he has to go there and there is a ton of stalling involved.  He usually gets taken there past 10 PM, which also cuts into my one-on-one time with SO.  I could type a novel of the myriad ways she impacts our lives, but right now I'm dealing with a very specific thing that I think is starting to cause me to be depressed.  We live our lives walking on eggshells as to not set her off.  She rages and threatens to call the cops and we tiptoe around trying to keep the ticking time bomb from going off.
S10 loves me. Just yesterday he told me I'm his parent along with his dad and mom and that I'm one of his 3 favorite people. Mom texts SO tonight requesting S10 and adds that she doesn't want S10 around me any more than he possibly has to be and that "he doesn't like it and its not healthy for him."  (Nevermind that she bailed on her Friday night w/ no comms less than a week ago, where he was indeed spending more time with me).  He lies and says he wasn't alone with me.  He lies and says the cat hair on him isn't from my cats that live with us and that the cats don't live here.  He tells any lie he has to just to keep that time bomb from going off. I'm sure he's told her he doesn't like me.  (I watch him alone ALL the time, he often requests he get to stay and hang out w/ me vs. doing grocery shopping or whatever).
I understand that when he's with her he's powerless and in her control.  She is terrifying.  I understand why he lies.  I wish there were a way my SO could stick up for me to refute her claims like the one she texted today. Like saying, "You're full of it. He loves her.  He lies because he's terrified of you."  He can't/doesn't do this b/c she'll torture/interrogate his son for whatever duration he's with her.  He's also unwilling/reluctant to take her to court.  We're in this cycle, and I don't see any end in sight.
I'm trying to be the picture of patience, but it makes me mad and hurts me and the situation makes me insane.  Its not helping my relationship, though I'm here for the long haul, just not sure I won't be depressed and angry.
Anyone with a similar situation, any advice is appreciated.

[TryingPatience]

Hi everyone.  I have been living with my SO and his S10 for close to a year now.  He shares custody with S10's BPD mother and she technically is the custodial parent, though she goes through cycles of barely seeing him with no explanations (17 days straight seeing him for 1/2 hour during that time, etc). 
She makes everyone's lives a living hell. She doesn't drive. She demands to be driven around, have things dropped off that her son wants or needs when she has him and I'm sure its a ploy to ruin our time together and just generally inconvenience SO.  S10 scream cries most of the time when he has to go there and there is a ton of stalling involved.  He usually gets taken there past 10 PM, which also cuts into my one-on-one time with SO.  I could type a novel of the myriad ways she impacts our lives, but right now I'm dealing with a very specific thing that I think is starting to cause me to be depressed.  We live our lives walking on eggshells as to not set her off.  She rages and threatens to call the cops and we tiptoe around trying to keep the ticking time bomb from going off.
S10 loves me. Just yesterday he told me I'm his parent along with his dad and mom and that I'm one of his 3 favorite people. Mom texts SO tonight requesting S10 and adds that she doesn't want S10 around me any more than he possibly has to be and that "he doesn't like it and its not healthy for him."  (Nevermind that she bailed on her Friday night w/ no comms less than a week ago, where he was indeed spending more time with me).  He lies and says he wasn't alone with me.  He lies and says the cat hair on him isn't from my cats that live with us and that the cats don't live here.  He tells any lie he has to just to keep that time bomb from going off. I'm sure he's told her he doesn't like me.  (I watch him alone ALL the time, he often requests he get to stay and hang out w/ me vs. doing grocery shopping or whatever).
I understand that when he's with her he's powerless and in her control.  She is terrifying.  I understand why he lies.  I wish there were a way my SO could stick up for me to refute her claims like the one she texted today. Like saying, "You're full of it. He loves her.  He lies because he's terrified of you."  He can't/doesn't do this b/c she'll torture/interrogate his son for whatever duration he's with her.  He's also unwilling/reluctant to take her to court.  We're in this cycle, and I don't see any end in sight.
I'm trying to be the picture of patience, but it makes me mad and hurts me and the situation makes me insane.  Its not helping my relationship, though I'm here for the long haul, just not sure I won't be depressed and angry.
Anyone with a similar situation, any advice is appreciated.

[PearlsBefore]

 

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here.

But...but...but if she drove herself, (a) how would she drive you crazy? (b) you wouldn't pay as much attention to doting on her!

What a benevolent coincidence that if she tries to forbid you to be around when her son is there, and her son is always there, your SO will be forced to send you away!

When you talk about the cat hair and time bomb, that's the S10 or the SO? I'm inferring that's the S10.

Anyways, there's no great advice to give from my own experience dealing with pwBPDs - she obviously sees you as a rival for her affection - likely from both the SO and S10 - although possibly more healthily just the S10.

Your options depend on whether your SO is willing to have his S10 around more often, or less often, or likes the status quo. You could try appealing to BPD's jealousy by filing/asking for the court order to be changed to grant your SO an extra 20% custody time officially just so he's less at her whims in the future - though of course the ex might then bite back and STOP sending the S10 over so often. You could try marriage (internet strangers, full of the best and least-intrusive advice!) in the hopes she'll recognize she's lost the battle for the SO - and there's only a small chance she'll turn to murderous rage. (No seriously, be careful).

There are no great answers - if you had a magic djinni then you might wish for the BPD to fall in love so she gets distracted and runs off to another location and stops pestering you...the problem of course is that while men are notorious suckers for a BPD gal - not so much when she has a child for whom she rarely cares and she can't stop talking about her own ex. If you happen to know a narcissist you don't really like, try setting them up ;)

[ForeverDad]

There are no great answers - if you had a magic djinni then you might wish for the BPD to fall in love so she gets distracted and runs off to another location and stops pestering you...the problem of course is that while men are notorious suckers for a BPD gal - not so much when she has a child for whom she rarely cares and she can't stop talking about her own ex. If you happen to know a narcissist you don't really like, try setting them up.

That final sentence is based of fact, as I gather.  It's said that a BPD/NPD couple can actually stay married, in a disordered way they can feed off of one another's needs and behaviors.  I saw that in my ex's parents, he was evidently a controlling Narcissist and she a quiet Borderline.  My ex couldn't get along with either of them.

Onward with my contribution.  His son really should be in counseling.  Not with just any counselor but an experienced one who isn't gullible and won't take any guff from a misbehaving disordered parent.

Odds are she will reject that idea.  If she can't be convinced to do that then dad would have basis to go to court for a two-for-one hearing with a family court judge or magistrate.  He can ask for son to start counseling.  (Courts love counseling, my lawyer told me.)  He can state that he wants (1) custodial authority to handle such matters since his ex is refusing counseling for son and (2) his long-term level of parenting documented with a new order where he gets more time on paper to match his history of majority parenting.

By the way, to change custody may require filing for Change of Circumstances.  Going to court should include interviewing and vetting a proactive and experienced lawyer with solid strategies.  Of course, we here in peer support are invaluable too.  We have a vast wealth of collective experience and can usually discern what strategies and approaches are more likely to work and which more likely to be insufficient or fail.

He needs to be prepared though.  He can't let her choose a gullible or pliable counselor.  One method that courts like, because it involves both parents, is for him (or you quietly) to interview and vet counselors, make a short list that accept the current insurance and then let her choose from that smart and vetted list.  I repeat, you can't let her choose one who hasn't been vetted.

[TryingPatience]

Pearls Before,  your response made me smile.  You definitely get it.

The point is she often says she doesn't want me around her kid, but she never actually does anything about it, especially when she's got things to do.  When she's being what we call "SuperMom" she's got him about half time (except she usually has him less due to late drop off and early pickup).  She has him up to 4 days in a row on her weekends.  When she's non SuperMomming, we have him up to 80% of the time.  She's unpredictable and an inordinate amount of time is spent waiting for her to dictate when she wants her child.  no word, no word, no word, then "Bring him now!". Then its hours of stressful stalling usually including crying, 2 hours of "pooping", etc.  Then its super late and I'm in bed.  No time w/ SO when it should be our time.  All this usually puts him in a sour mood as well, so even if we do get some time, its not usually carefree, happy time. So, #1, I feel cheated for time in my relationship.
I am definitely a threat to her relationship with her son (in her mind), I only want him to be happy and realize there is enough love to go around for those that can see it.  I treat him like he's my own.  I feed him, clothe him, everything.  S10 "has" to lie to his mother about the cat hair and my presence.  He's told her that he's not alone with me and that I "mostly am just upstairs in my office or bedroom".  I hate that he has to lie to her, but as you joke, she could go into a murderous rage and he's just a little boy, powerless against her.  She has told him he has to choose between her and me. He knows that's not true, but that's what she tells him.  She also told him I'm only nice to him b/c I want to be with his father. etc. etc...
I hate that my SO can't call out  her BS b/c she'll take it out on kiddo as well.  I hate that she's basically rewarded for bad behavior at every turn. We live our lives tiptoeing around the ticking time bomb, giving it more power.  Its these negative feelings of having someone have this type of control over so many aspects of my life that's putting me in the dumps.
Therapy is sort of a sore point.  S10 doesn't want to do it and he pretty much gets what he wants, which is its own issue.  He's super awesome and sweet, but he definitely has a lot of power.  SO: "Do you want to do school work or play video games for another half hour?" Who asks a 10 yr old a question like that? There's also no bedtime, which cuts into our time and SO won't sleep in bed with me when S10 is there, so its like I'm a roommate here most of the time.
Since SO isn't the custodial parent he can't do T w/o uBPD bio-mom being notified and he's super reluctant about court due to his lawyer saying he probably won't get full or 50/50 custody b/c he's the dude.  I still feel he should try for it b/c child services was called by the school on the mom 2x, though due to circumstances nothing was ever done and I believe its been closed out by them, but it still should be on the record.
My thing is, if we're not going to do anything w/ court/therapy, etc I'm trying to resign myself to being the third wheel, always taking a back-burner to S10 and even "SuperMom" as she runs our lives, messes with our schedules, etc.  Is there any way I can make all this not make me feel depressed?  How can I go about my own business, or focus on myself or something and maybe just somehow ignore all the chaos around me? I care too much and am constantly hurt by all of this.

[livednlearned]

Ugh. Blending is hard.

The answers aren't easy and the skills are even harder. Still, there are skills. I found that they weren't intuitive and had to be learned, then refined. The truth is, it still hurts when you're applying the skills, it's just that they are the only things you can really do. If that makes sense. Better to be able to do something that's genuinely effective and hurt versus work hard, hurt, and get nowhere.

You can't talk your BF into doing things better. Or, at least you can't JUST talk. You have to start being strategic and think tactics. Then soothe yourself because if you're trying to focus on things you want him to change, he's not going to be able to take care of your feelings while he's adjusting to something new, something he may not be quite ready for.

I recommend starting with one small thing that you want to work on and then build from there.

It could be something as simple as, "I don't care to know what ex is saying about me -- you don't have to pass it along. It's all nonsense."

Then see what he does.

He might be dumping it in your lap so that you're the one having feelings about it.

If you remove your lap he'll have a harder time passing that responsibility along.

That's one example. Each thing that aggravates us has to kind of get workshopped one by one because while the skills are simple, the scenarios are complex, especially when we're trying to change ourselves and how others behave toward us.