First post, grieving estrangement from bpd mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’m really grateful to have found this community and look forward to participating.

A bit about me and where I am seeking support: I am 45 years old, and my mother shows all of the typical signs of BPD. In my 20s and 30s, I managed to maintain a limited relationship with my mother with the help of strong boundaries. The relationship changed when I got married at age 41 and became a parent at 42. My mother had no interest in my husband or daughter and seemed to lose all interest in me as well. Our contact became limited to a few texts per year and occasional gifts she sent to my daughter. However, my mother’s gifts have always come with strings attached. When she flew into a rage because the sweater she knitted didn’t fit my kid and announced that she would never again send my child a present, I realized I was done. She is never going to change, and I cannot let her hurt my child in the same ways she used to hurt me. After several days of soul searching, I sent a note requesting no further contact, permanently, and I blocked her phone number and email. This was last week. Yesterday, a package arrived from her, and we sent it back, unopened.

I feel a deep sense of peace over my decision. It is something I have been considering for 30 years. I know this the right decision at the right time, from my deepest intuitive place. But I also am overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I have to hide my grief from the world. The few friends and family who know the history have been very supportive, but most people in my life don’t know and estrangement from a parent seems to be socially unacceptable. I can’t find a blueprint for mourning someone who isn’t dead. It’s not like you can sit shiva and have people show up at your door with casseroles.

I guess I would just like some reassurances that I’m not alone. I’d love to hear from others who have been through this and any suggestions on how to move through the pain of radical acceptance. Virtual casseroles are also welcome.

[Sunflower45]

I’m really grateful to have found this community and look forward to participating.

A bit about me and where I am seeking support: I am 45 years old, and my mother shows all of the typical signs of BPD. In my 20s and 30s, I managed to maintain a limited relationship with my mother with the help of strong boundaries. The relationship changed when I got married at age 41 and became a parent at 42. My mother had no interest in my husband or daughter and seemed to lose all interest in me as well. Our contact became limited to a few texts per year and occasional gifts she sent to my daughter. However, my mother’s gifts have always come with strings attached. When she flew into a rage because the sweater she knitted didn’t fit my kid and announced that she would never again send my child a present, I realized I was done. She is never going to change, and I cannot let her hurt my child in the same ways she used to hurt me. After several days of soul searching, I sent a note requesting no further contact, permanently, and I blocked her phone number and email. This was last week. Yesterday, a package arrived from her, and we sent it back, unopened.

I feel a deep sense of peace over my decision. It is something I have been considering for 30 years. I know this the right decision at the right time, from my deepest intuitive place. But I also am overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like I have to hide my grief from the world. The few friends and family who know the history have been very supportive, but most people in my life don’t know and estrangement from a parent seems to be socially unacceptable. I can’t find a blueprint for mourning someone who isn’t dead. It’s not like you can sit shiva and have people show up at your door with casseroles.

I guess I would just like some reassurances that I’m not alone. I’d love to hear from others who have been through this and any suggestions on how to move through the pain of radical acceptance. Virtual casseroles are also welcome.

[missing NC]

Your second to last paragraph really resonated with me, Sunflower45. I truly believe disenfranchised belief is in fact far more difficult than "regular" grief because there is no social support and, not surprisingly, it is so fraught with shame. 

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the grief over my lost family.  My BPD/NPD sister is still alive but not in contact with me or my brother except through very expensive attorneys. I mourn the many losses including those of my niece and nephew, who have been both victimized and alienated by her.  (My sister is on the severe end.  So I also mourn those whose lives she has destroyed.)   

I am involved with a support group for those with BPD or NPD family members that will have a session in March on this type of grief.  I will probably attend.  But I'm not sure if that will make me feel better or worse. 

A virtual casserole would be great.  A Hallmark card lauding the courage to go NC and offering emotional support for all the losses surrounding such a decision would also be nice.  I wish you peace of mind and healing moving forward. 

[zachira]

You are not alone. I am in the process of going no contact with most of my immediate and extended family including a sister with NPD and a brother with BPD. My mother with BPD died in 2019. Few people understand the never ending pain of dealing with a disordered abusive family member, especially a mother, and are quick to judge. You are doing what is right for your family, protecting your daughter from  her grandmother's disturbing behaviors. In the beginning, the no contact can sometimes feel worse than when you were actually in contact, and with time, it will likely get easier while recognizing that not having the kind of mother every person deserves whether old or young is a life time sorrow. There are many members who get it on this site, and are here to support and help you in whatever decisions you make about having contact with your mother.