My ex keeps trying new relationships..

[CallmeDoubleU]

Hi,

So i am still new here i got my first topic here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=348354.0

Me and my ex broke up last october 2020... we were toghether for 3,5 years and we got into a huge fight so the police gave me an restraining order in october 2020 it lasted for 3 months, i wasnt allowed to contact her or to get closer to her house 100meters.. Please dont look at me as a bad person.. i have broke a door in the house because lost my control because she was acting so crazy and i just lost my temper and hit the door and it had some holes in it.. we havent touched eachother what so ever..

Anyway... So i got the restraining order at 11 october and was sure i wasnt contact her because i did not want any more problems.. so what happened she contacted me at 15 october.. we had a really good talk and she still said we aint coming back together but yeah so we talked and talked and everything started to look normal again.. i saw her like 4/5 times from october till last day of november.. that day we had date .. basically for sex.. i went over to her place like all the other moments we just to plan a date.. so i was sitting on her couch and she started saying: I dont wanna keep doing this no more.. its just not good and healthy because we are not gonna get back together and i dont wanna have sex no more.. i wanna continue with my life and eventually be happy with some one else..

I got pretty mad because she did say she wanted to see where things were going... so i got mad and asked her are you sure you are not already seeing some one and thats the reason you are basically trying to get rid of me.. she got mad and i didnt want this to go to a next lvl of anger so i left.. then she blocked me everywhere and havent spoken the whole of december..

I found out a week later from the day i last saw her she was with some one else.. i contacted her and asked her about it.. she said she is happy and she wants to be left one.. i said fine and i finally left it.. then 31 december.. i was already dating aswell in december and i woke up and she called me.. she told me the guy she was with totally flipped and acted so crazy and she was so scared and she even let her uncle come over to her house because the guy had to pick up his stuff and she was also pretty scared for the children.. she got 3 kids.. 1 of them is my baby boy of 2 years old..

So after she told me what happened she told me she wanted to talk to me and so we did on the phone for like 2 hours.. she wanted to see if we could get back together and if we work things out with a couple therapy and hopefully we can work things out..

Then i kept seeing her the whole month of january till 26 january.. suddenly she was on badoo and tinder.. i found out.. and i told her why are you on that dating app if you are suppose to work things out with me? she deleted it and said sorry.. after this we got another fight about the whole situation because i felt she wasnt serious with me anymore.. so a week later of no contact she contacted me again... saying im sorry i love you.. she told me she wanted me back and want to work things out.. i told her i can meet her saturday 6 february and lets talk.. she said oke lets do that.. now its saturday .. in the morning she messaged me saying.. im sorry u can not come over because my girlfriends daughter is staying for the weekend.. so i said ok.. are we still gonna meet another time though?

Yes she replied.. we can in 2 weeks when my other kids are not at home.. i was fine with that.. so after this weekend she told me im sorry i shouldnt have said i loved you and that i wanted to work things out.. its just not gonna happen.. its not gonna work im sorry i said this.. so we got into another fight and i also saw a random guy hitting the heart like on her facebook pictures.. like all of them so i said to her who is this? why is he liking all your photos? she said i dont know... i have him added because he was gonna fix my backyard.. i didnt believe this at all because the whole yard was full of snow for the whole week long..  we blocked eachother everywhere and at this moment we are still blocking eachother..

how ever after this weekend on tuesday i see her back on badoo and tinder.. and she deleted it again on thursday.. now i was pretty sure she picked another guy to meet with because she doesnt want to be alone.. she wants to be with me but she cant.. because she thinks her oldest son is scared of me and he is in therapy because he saw me hitting the door etc.. and she also told me she wanted to be with me and she loved me but she just cant.. well now i was pretty sure she just picked a random guy from the dating app or she is dating that guy who was liking all her pictures..

So 2 days ago.. last sunday my mate who lives in her street came back from work and he saw a guy walking out of her house at 20:50 and he told me he drove off.. he kept watching and called me straight after..

Now i am sure she is dating another guy.. also my kid lives with her... i see my kid every 2 weeks in the weekends from friday till sunday...

This is already the second guy who is getting close to my kid.. and the guys she is always dealing with are not normal good looking guys but these guys have prison history etc .. because i did my research and i have friends who know who they are etc..

So i really dont like the way this is going.. this is already the second time she told me she wanted me back and also the second time she is meeting or dating some one.. also involving my kid.. since he lives there.. i really hate this feeling..

Im not really worried about the guy doing something wrong to my kid.. but i am worried she is gonna get problems with him like the last guy.. and it could happen with my kid involved ...

Im just scared of what could happen i guess.. and maybe not.. maybe it all works out for her.. but i have a strong feeling after a long while of no contact she will keep coming back to me..

Also i have to pick up my son on friday and bring him back on sunday.. i have to see her.. and i will..

I kinda wanted to know what i should do because i was thinking..

I should tell her.. I hope you are happy and i will leave you alone..
or.. I hope the best for you..

and that would be it and i would just leave..

Or should i just pick up my son and leave?

Please help me out here.

[ForeverDad]

I should tell her.. I hope you are happy and i will leave you alone..
or.. I hope the best for you..

and that would be it and i would just leave..

Or should i just pick up my son and leave?

Let's ponder the facts...

About her... She has behavior patterns all over the map.  She calls you, yet she tells you she doesn't want you.  She has 3 children by at least 2 perhaps 3 fathers.  She's already meeting other men.  Frankly, she's an adult by age and she's allowed to meet whomever she wishes to meet.  In other words, you can't trust her or anything she may claim.

About you... you're the father of one of her children.  But frankly she is bad news for you.  Hopefully you've learned your lesson not to lose your calm or you will again face law enforcement who will default to listening to her or be willing to 'defend' her from any outburst you may have.  You can't risk even the slightest risk of her behaviors triggering your sense of outrage.

So overall your wisest stance would be to focus all your concern and attention on your child and zero attention, concern or comments to your ex.

Be polite, pick up your child and leave.

Once you are confident you've moved on from being tempted to return to her — or try to live her life for her — then you can then start pondering efforts to gain more and more parenting authority for your child.

Ex - let her go.
Child - become a more and more involved dad.

[CoherentMoose]

Ex - let her go.
Child - become a more and more involved dad.

Yes.  CoMo

[livednlearned]

Do you feel it's something you can do? Pick up your son and leave, I mean.

You two have a history with pretty chronic ups and downs. It can be easy to feel like a roller coaster is normal when it's all you've known.

Some people with BPD fear the emptiness so much there is a constant search to fill that void. Sometimes you will fill the void, and then, for no reason except a shift in feelings, she'll look elsewhere. It isn't likely to change, unfortunately.

I do worry that you'll pick up your son and see another guy you don't trust, and it could get bad quick.

Do you have a sense how you'll handle a situation like that if it happens?

[CallmeDoubleU]

I have an update... also its been a pretty bad day but for me it ended up much better then it started.

My ex and i had a phonecall.. i asked her if i could pick up my son later then 14;00 since i wont be able to make it because of work.. she instantly said NO you have to be here at 14;00.. i have to leave 14;30.. i kinda replied curious.. why do you have to leave.. she replied its none of your bussiness.. she got mad and hang up..

Later that day i was at work her new flame messaged me.. he told me i had to leave her alone and all that stuff.. i told him she is a manipulating human being.. and some more stuff because he kinda asked for it..  this moment i knew i was right all along... it was him being the new guy.. now i kinda felt relieved because now i know i can trust my own thought.. i was right and this moment i dont know why but it just felt good for me because i kinda feel like i have to let her go.. not only because she is doing all this stuff like getting into new relationships and telling a lot of bad things about me .. she is literally painting me black to every person she meets.. and she is telling me she loves me one day and the next day she hates me.. so yeah its not good for me.. most of the people on here already told me to leave.. and i thank you all for that..

I never wanted to hear that.. not even from my close friends or family...
But right now.. i decided i am going to let her go..

I deleted and blocked all her socials.. im gonna focus on my self and my son.. its not my problem no more..

My mother picked up my son and she will bring him back aswell.. she wants to do this for me until i feel strong enough to do this myself.. but at this point i dont even wanna see her..

Some how my love for her just turned into hate today...

its a good thing.. im not going to contact her no more...

[ForeverDad]

My mother picked up my son and she will bring him back as well.. she wants to do this for me until i feel strong enough to do this myself...

You asked for a delay and she said No.  You had a solution, smart thinking, your mother made the pick up.  Use your resources well, you're learning that you can't depend on your Ex and that by her life choices and perceptions she's likely to sabotage your normal parenting in the future , whether consciously or unconsciously.

[CallmeDoubleU]

You asked for a delay and she said No.  You had a solution, smart thinking, your mother made the pick up.  Use your resources well, you're learning that you can't depend on your Ex and that by her life choices and perceptions she's likely to sabotage your normal parenting in the future , whether consciously or unconsciously.

100% thats a fact.. i am gonna leave her alone.. im going NC (unlimited) for real this time... im not gonna lie to my self.. im gonna stay strong and focus on what is good for me..

she will sabotage 100% i mean she will try.. but my mother will do the pickups and bringing back my son from now on.. im not even gonna try anymore.. it is what it is..