Low Contact from BPD mother feeling personal

[cle216]

Hi all,

Every once in awhile these feelings rise up for me - I'm not sure what I'm looking for by sharing. Maybe just venting, releasing these thoughts from building up, or advice on how you process similar experiences? Not sure.

I'm 37 years old and currently 30 weeks pregnant with my third child. I'm sure all the hormones play a factor in my emotions today. I have pretty low contact with my mother...and it bothers me that it doesn't seem to bother her. In some ways, these boundaries and a little time between communication feels healthy. Often our conversations turn into me having to be emotionally prepared to process a lot of rapid fire thoughts, emotions, and venting from her. I've had to learn to be a listener and not spend energy as a problem solver. So I do wait to reach out to her until I'm in a place where I can take that on...so it's not just her playing a role in low contact, I know I have some responsibility too. I suppose my struggle here is that most often and nearly always, contact is initiated by me. I begin to feel emotional and a bit irrational in these thoughts...does she even care? does she miss me or need any contact with me? does she wonder how her grandchildren are doing or how my pregnancy is going? am I just out of sight, out of mind? When I do see her she will tell me she loves me and misses me...I truly believe she means that and does love me, it just doesn't get expressed in a way that always communicates that to me.

I'm a grown woman of course, but I'm still her child. Now finding myself in a role as a mother I have a different lens on her behavior and it's hard to stick to my radical acceptance and every once in awhile I feel hurt or emotional about it. Telling her when I'm hurt has not been effective or gone well, and I feel better finding ways to process these feelings without her in the equation. I know these feelings will pass.

Thanks for listening.

[PearlsBefore]

I did read it all, and I'm sympathetic...but I've only got one thing to say...

  BABY!  

Congrats on the child; don't stress too much over your mother right now, you might be right that hormones are affecting things - and either way, self-care is going to focus on you and the baby for the immediate future (and maybe keeping those other two siblings happy as well).

[Sunflower45]

Hi cle216 - I can totally relate to how you feel. When I became a parent, my BPD mother became increasingly distant. It seemed that my assuming this new parental role was somehow threatening to her. She couldn’t seem to accept that I was an adult with my own life, separate from her. My perspective on my own childhood also underwent a huge transformation. I was so overwhelmed with love and a protective impulse toward my child that it was inconceivable to me how my own mother could have been so cruel to me. I had less tolerance for her behavior.

I know my post is late, but I hope it still gives you some validation and support!

[Uphillbattle05]

I had a baby girl in August and I feel the same way! It’s like I suddenly woke up and stopped covering up for all her “current issues” and her past behavior towards me, my brother and father. I am extremely obsessed over my little daughter and everyday I keep telling myself I will be the best mother to her. I have this rage over my mother and I tolerated her behavior for years prior to having this baby and now I can’t fake it! I can’t get myself to even pick up the phone ans call her and she’s noticing how I’m “different” and “rude and dry”. In true BPD child I avoid telling her my thoughts and feelings bc I don’t want to deal with her emotional and verbal abuse towards me! I want her gone!