Use of AA?

[squirrel20]

We have a 28 year old daughter with BPD.

After a huge wedding she had an affair and got divorced 5 months after the wedding. This caused a year long estrangement. She’s been up and down for 10 years and this was one of many unstable behaviors she’s demonstrated.

She resurfaced after the affair relationship ended badly, she visited us and read a “statement of apology” that she said was part of her 12 step program. She isn't an alcoholic or drug user, but does work in psychiatric nursing. This  is probably where she got the idea with attend AA.

Has anyone had a child with BPD use AA as their therapy? We found her apology to us detailed, but she didn’t clear the air with the family she slandered us to. She says her apology was enough and she doesn’t want to talk about any of it because it it’s upsetting for her. She states it’s all in the past.

I find this AA “crutch” to be pathetic. It sounds like all they have to do is apologize for their horrific behavior and then everything is OK.

I think targets of BPD get to decide how they’ll move forward, not the person who caused all the damage. I’m really moving towards just cutting her out because her pattern is already repeating...new guy, moving in...back to talking badly about us to family.

I have no experience with AA, and do not I tend to let this be her way of escaping responsibility. Yes, I know BPDs project, but this is a really arrogant way to weasel your way back in to continue abuse.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Olivares]

Trust your instincts on this.

AA is a program that has a single purpose:  to help alcoholics stop drinking.  It is not therapy.  Worse, members of AA often discourage other members from seeking therapy or psychiatric help, especially if medication is involved.   I'd say -- having had experience with both AA members and people with BPD -- that your daughter's membership in AA might help her quit using alcohol or drugs to cope with her underlying problems, but will not address those underlying problems.

[I Am Redeemed]

Did she say it was AA she was attending? There are several 12 step programs based on the 12 step model of AA that address different issues: overeating, sex addiction, etc.

12 step programs include a step that involves "making amends". This is the eighth step in AA and "step work " is supposed to be done with the guidance of a sponsor- someone who has already done all 12 steps.

In AA, it is usually reiterated that making amends doesn't guarantee that the person you have harmed will be ready to accept the apology or resume trust in you right away. Apparently, she disregarded that part or is trying to do the steps on her own without a sponsor.

AA and other 12 step programs focus on "learning to live life on life's terms", and require repeated, honest looks at one's own behavior, how it impacts others, and requires "honesty, openminded-ness, and willingness" to take self inventory and learn new ways of thinking and behaving.

This is where a pwbpd in AA most likely will get tripped up because they experience intense shame when called out on their behavior- and a good sponsor will do that.

Without a sponsor, the person attending meetings only gets superficial benefits which are not sufficient for recovery.

No 12 step program can be substituted for treatment with a qualified therapist for mental disorders.

[AnotherMother]

squirrel20,
I thought I would throw my own two cents into the mix to let you know what my experience with AA has been and how the Program generally works. I hope my experience with and understanding of the Program can help offer you a little insight into the mysteries of AA! haha
My personal experience with the Program spans over a decade. I am in recovery and consider myself a grateful, non-suffering alcoholic. I always tell people that despite being an alcoholic, I do not suffer at all. (haha) That being said, everyone is bound to interpret the Program in their own way - no one actually acts as a spokesman for AA. But, there are some very basic concepts in AA that don't change no matter who you are.
Part of the AA program includes making a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" (Step 4) - both the good and the bad. It's meant to allow us to get some perspective on how we've conducted ourselves in the past and certain aspects of our character we need to work on. In this Step, you write out all of your resentments (real or imagined) and the ways in which we feel this person, event, organization, authority, etc. has harmed us. Every resentment we have boils down to the alcoholic feeling we had our self-esteem, security, ambitions, or personal / sex relations threatened. There are two reasons we need to do this: 1) because resentments are a symptom of a spiritual disease and 2) the majority of our troubles are self made...not something someone else did to us.
Much later down the line we make a list of all people we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them (Step 8) and then we make amends / correct our wrong whenever we can and without hurting other people (Step 9). That doesn't mean you just go up to someone, say sorry and it's all better. It means that you actually take the steps necessary to mend the relationships (if possible), truly understand the harm you've inflicted and how that person felt, and then tell them how / what you are going to do to make it right. For example, if it's a matter of stealing someone's car, you would approach that person, tell them what you had done, and then make amends through making arrangements to pay back the approximate cost of the car to that person. If you've really damaged someone's reputation by gossiping or lying to others about them, then you would be honest with the person, tell them what you had done, and go to the people you gossiped / lied to about that person and set the record straight. So, just writing a letter or saying "sorry!" isn't generally looked upon as making amends.
It sounds like your daughter liked the sound of the Program but decided she would only use the parts that suited her...which isn't really the Program at all. It's her version of the Program and that's not the same thing.

As I Am Redeemed said, the AA Program is something that is done with the help, guidance, and support of a sponsor and a whole group of people. Using it as a "self-help" tool doesn't quite work...

I would also like to clear up the idea that AA discourages people from getting professional help or taking appropriately prescribed medication for physical or mental / emotional illness. That's never been the case, in fact they tell people to work with their doctor, counselor, therapist, etc. to address specific needs. AA is focused on helping the alcoholic achieve sobriety but it is called a "design for living." The Program really can be useful for anyone - the afflicted (addicts, alcoholics, gamblers, eating disordered individuals) and the affected (family, friends, loved ones, etc.).

Lastly, as a mental health professional, the self-regulation and interpersonal skills taught in AA work very well with counseling and therapy - whether the issue is chemical related or not.

I hope this helps clear up any questions you may have had!

Best,
AnotherMother