Do it NOW

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello BPD Family,

Do any of you have the experience with a BPD demanding that a task get done right this second and if you don't then you are useless and don't love them (in their eyes)?  Household chores and tasks are a way for my husband to elicit us to take care of him, but he is never happy with the timeframe we do them in or how we do it. Housework feels like an existential crisis to him and he feels like we are personally attacking him for, say, leaving a glass on the counter. I believe he was not taken care of as a child and the house is a transference of this and a frantic attempt through chores to get those unmet needs met.

I am planning on setting boundaries of:  (A) He cannot come at me with enormous energy when talking about household tasks; I will shut the conversation down and walk out until he can talk to me rationally and like an equal. (B) I get to pick and chose which tasks I do for whatever is convenient to my work schedule and energy levels for that day. I have in the past month been diagnosed with Lupus after years of suffering and I have to protect my energy reserves. (C) I will not tolerate victim talk, black and white accusations or character attacks against me. I will again shut the conversation down and walk out of the room or leave the house. He really had me believing I was a lazy POS and I have run myself into the ground doing tasks to chase away that feeling of shame and to get back to being "The Good One" in his eyes.  I have come out of the fog on this and am really proud of myself for having my own back.

[izzitme]

Hello BPD Family,

Do any of you have the experience with a BPD demanding that a task get done right this second and if you don't then you are useless and don't love them (in their eyes)?  Household chores and tasks are a way for my husband to elicit us to take care of him, but he is never happy with the timeframe we do them in or how we do it. Housework feels like an existential crisis to him and he feels like we are personally attacking him for, say, leaving a glass on the counter. I believe he was not taken care of as a child and the house is a transference of this and a frantic attempt through chores to get those unmet needs met.

I am planning on setting boundaries of:  (A) He cannot come at me with enormous energy when talking about household tasks; I will shut the conversation down and walk out until he can talk to me rationally and like an equal. (B) I get to pick and chose which tasks I do for whatever is convenient to my work schedule and energy levels for that day. I have in the past month been diagnosed with Lupus after years of suffering and I have to protect my energy reserves. (C) I will not tolerate victim talk, black and white accusations or character attacks against me. I will again shut the conversation down and walk out of the room or leave the house. He really had me believing I was a lazy POS and I have run myself into the ground doing tasks to chase away that feeling of shame and to get back to being "The Good One" in his eyes.  I have come out of the fog on this and am really proud of myself for having my own back.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Good for you for recognizing that your self esteem had been undermined in this relationship 

Be mindful when implementing boundaries that they are for your protection, not an attempt to change his behavior.

That way, you will have less emotional investment when he gets upset about tasks. It can be as simple as “I’m needing to take care of myself now and we can talk about this later.”

[truthdevotee]

Hello BPD Family,

Do any of you have the experience with a BPD demanding that a task get done right this second and if you don't then you are useless and don't love them (in their eyes)? 

Yes, I experience a lot of this.

Household chores and tasks are a way for my husband to elicit us to take care of him, but he is never happy with the timeframe we do them in or how we do it. Housework feels like an existential crisis to him and he feels like we are personally attacking him for, say, leaving a glass on the counter. I believe he was not taken care of as a child and the house is a transference of this and a frantic attempt through chores to get those unmet needs met.

This is extremely insightful for me. For several years I believed that my pwBPD had some sort of issue like OCDP. The absolute perfectionism and intense control over cleanliness and damages. It's extremely stressful for her since we have two young toddler boys at home, a 3 year old and a 2 year old... mess and damage are simply part and parcel of childcare. "Existential crisis" is a perfect way to describe it. Your share about "transference" is something I'd never thought of before.

I am planning on setting boundaries of:  (A) He cannot come at me with enormous energy when talking about household tasks; I will shut the conversation down and walk out until he can talk to me rationally and like an equal. (B) I get to pick and chose which tasks I do for whatever is convenient to my work schedule and energy levels for that day. I have in the past month been diagnosed with Lupus after years of suffering and I have to protect my energy reserves. (C) I will not tolerate victim talk, black and white accusations or character attacks against me. I will again shut the conversation down and walk out of the room or leave the house. He really had me believing I was a lazy POS and I have run myself into the ground doing tasks to chase away that feeling of shame and to get back to being "The Good One" in his eyes.  I have come out of the fog on this and am really proud of myself for having my own back.

Great for me to hear these examples of boundaries. I'm learning to set boundaries like this too.

Thanks for sharing