Struggle to not take it personallu

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

My wife was diagnosed with bpd last year but has struggled with it for years before. We are trying to make our marriage work but I keep taking what she says when she gets mad personally, has anyone got any advice to help me resolve this and help save my marriage?

[Bpdhusband93]

Hi,

My wife was diagnosed with bpd last year but has struggled with it for years before. We are trying to make our marriage work but I keep taking what she says when she gets mad personally, has anyone got any advice to help me resolve this and help save my marriage?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Of course it’s hard when someone we love says something unkind to us.    Our intimate partners know us better than most anyone else and they can say very hurtful things, seemingly with the intent to make us share in their internal misery.

It’s best to develop a thick skin, where these insults roll off without leaving a scratch. Easier said than done, I know.

I’ve developed a habit of agreeing with the insults that are accurate, then adding my two cents about my personal failings. I’m terrible at time management and always assume I’ll get more done than is possible. My husband is timely to the minute, a habit he developed as a lawyer, having to account for all his time in 15 minute increments. You can see how we can have issues. 

So when he makes cutting remarks about my timeliness, I add on more detail as I agree with him. It takes away the “fun” for him when his insults don’t register as insults to me.

Also, many of our members here volunteer to listen to a litany of complaints about themselves in an effort to be open. There’s no reason why you need to do this. You can say something like “I’m not feeling comfortable listening to a list of my personal faults right now. If we can work out a compromise on something, I’m available to hear that.”

Here’s an article that might be helpful as you contemplate different strategies:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[JadedEmpath]

Something that helps me a lot is to notice patterns, and to put names to a behavior. When I can put a name to a behavior, I can see it more as a symptom of an illness, and I can think about why the brain developed this coping mechanism to protect its self, and that helps me take a step back out of the personal.

There are certain words I have noticed my SO will use or certain topics that are a red flag to me, that the argument is not a true argument, is not going to be rational. When I hear those words, I remind myself right then that it is not personal, that it is part of the pattern. Sometimes now I will even say that to him, like "I've noticed that there seems to be a reoccurring theme that when you start calling me names, its usually over a perceived lie, but you know that I am trustworthy. We have been through this so many times. Maybe the thought that I am lying should be a red flag to you to pause and really think about your words before you say them". Then after we have had that conversation once, I just say "hey thats a trigger word" (in a careful, genuine tone of voice) when hes getting irrational, and sometimes it alone is enough to deescalate the argument some. 

Or, another example. When he says something hurtful, followed by something else hurtful shortly after, followed by some hurtful generalizations, I can pretty quickly pick up on the fact that he is "splitting". Its my understanding that splitting can develop to protect young minds who are unable to grasp why an important loved one in their lives is hurting them physically or emotionally--their brain "splits" black and white. This is "bad mommy" but there is also "good mommy". Right now I hate her but sometimes she is nice and sometimes I need her, but its always one or the other. The brain develops to only see good or only see bad in someone at one time. I think about that, I feel sympathy for the child that went through that pain. Its easy for me to realize then the words have nothing to do with me. Sometimes I will ask him to say something nice about me, anything, just one thing, before I am willing to continue the conversation. He realizes he can't, and there is a little bit of insight he begins to have there. Other times, once I notice the splitting, I intentionally stop arguing. The arguing is what he is going for, not resolution.

So I guess my advice would be just keep reading about BPD. Read about all the behaviors it causes, and why the brain develops in such a way to produce those behaviors. Even after you've read it all, go back and read regularly to keep it fresh in your mind. That way it is much easier to separate the BPD defense mechanisms from the person you love.