I love my wife... And I want to save my marriage.

[The Comeback kid]

Hi,
My name is Brandon. I have a beautiful wife and three awesome kids. We have had marital issues over the past 6 years. It finally reached an explosive point where we had a bad fight and I said I was sick of being bad roommates.  We started counseling and I had to reach into my past childhood experiences of an alcoholic father. Our Christian counselor is great and I’m dedicated to continue and make any changes that can help us. He recommended my wife to read a book about walking on egg shells. So I checked it out and I have all the characteristics accept self harm and suicidal tendencies. And I’m narcissistic because I’m always trying to put my needs for physical intimacy before her needs because of my low self esteem. We are in a bad cycle that we can’t break. My wife want to leave, she looks at me and cry’s, we argue to the point she gets physically ill. I love her and want to be close to her..., but I can’t force her to love me. Or sit next close to me without being controlling. And I don’t blame her for feeling this way.. you can’t force somebody to love. I need some direction to save my family.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[modusoperandi]

Play hardball, tell her to leave and to take the kids with her, and that youll start a new family.

[rum2020]

The best course of action seems to be to start DBT therapy, and really accept that true change may take 2-10 years. Practice listening and validation skills. Also at this point your wife may be so fried after the way she has been treated for so long that she may never be able to fully trust you, she may need space to rebuild her strength to maybe try again. The most important thing you can do is again start DBT therapy, and also find a therapist that understands narcissists so they don't end up making it worse. YOU need to accept that this is something YOU need to work on not "We are in a bad cycle that we can’t break". If you are being abusive to your wife none of that is on her, it is on you. If you have a mental illness it is not your fault but it is your responsibility to take control of your behavior and your life, to make amends for the damage you have done to people in your life. Marriage counseling doesn't fix that, especially when a narcissist is involved. Personality disorders are complicated and take awhile to figure out, start now, and give your wife some kindness and independence.