BDP Wife is in another world and now I'm forced to end the marriage

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been married for 20 years to a very successful woman that I felt in love with instantaneously.   Although I don't want to sound naive, I knew from the beginning that she had some intense emotional issues.   Her way of thinking about relationships was completely different than mine.  Always striving for the in-love idea and honeymoon stages every day and every time she din't get what she expected, I felt that I lost critical points from the way that she felt in love.   I succumbed to her needs 24/7, but with both being military and the challenges of deployments, I was always putting her first at all times to prevent her from losing track of me.   I am a very realistic person who goes above and beyond to help others.   I was raised to be humbled and respectful.   After 3 emotional affairs and still denying all of them, I was forced to take action.   The last issue happened on Valentines Day while I was gone visiting my family.   Not to go in detail, but I knew she brought her emotional boyfriend to spend the night while my teenage kids were in house.  Of course, they didn't know, but once I confronted her about it, she completely denied the actions.   My anger took over and I packed her stuff and made it leave our beautiful home.   Unfortunately, my kids heard the entire argument as I didn't intent to.   She showed no guilt, remorse or empathy on how that affected me and will continue to affect me.   The only thing she said that she didn't know where to go...  I told her that there were plenty hotels in the area, as I had to do the same 8 years ago when she made me leave the house because of the 2nd emotional affair.   Stayed in an Extended Hotel for a year before I was forced to take orders and leave them in our home while she finished her tour.   She wanted the separation to figure out what's wrong with her.   I involuntary left because I felt I didn't have any choices.   During the two years, she willfully allowed her boyfriend and daughter to move-in into my house.   She still denying it happened.  At the end of the two years, she had to take orders overseas and started communicating for me to take orders to the same location to make it work, promising that she was going to get help...  During 4 years overseas, things were looking promising and I felt she was happy striving at work and at home.   As soon as we got back stateside, her stressors levels at work started to open those unfinished feelings of not being in-love with me again.   I was able to stabilize the marriage a little better since I was retired by then and had more quality time to spend with her and the kids.  But I felt she never valued my contributions to keep the marriage alive.   

During the past two years, she was assigned to a sea duty command that deploys 70% during the year.   During her most recent deployment, which I knew was going to be a stressor on her, I dedicated my efforts to keep her informed on everything (House, Kids, immediately family, my feelings), and assisted her with her work long distance.  I e-mailed  2 or 3 times a day telling her everything that she needed to know, especially how much I missed her.   Once I found out about the details of the 3 emotional affairs, I discovered that it was happening during the deployment and at the same time she was e-mailing back reassuring how much she love me and how much she was thinking of me.   The lies, deceive, and lack of guilt or shame, broke my heart in 1,000 pieces.    I know she loves me behind all of those detractors, but her unwillingness to get help knowing that she is destroying our beautiful family makes me angry and lost, knowing that there is nothing I can do to help her anymore. 

I am not looking for hope or an explanation, but I never quitted on her hoping that time will cure her heart - and I was wrong.    She wants to be on her own, willing to let me take my teenage daughter out of state and not willing to fight her demons.   I cry every night as I cannot sleep anymore.   Every time I close my eyes I envision her with another man and it's killing me on the inside.   Her family never knew about our issues and I know it's not a public discussion with them.    But she always kept it away from them as she didn't want them to know about her issues.   Unfortunately, the time is coming that she won't be able to keep the fake version of herself and some of the truth will come out.    And I know it will be additional stressors on her and I do expect for her to blame me for not giving her what she needed all of these years.   A few days ago, she finally expressed some emotions to my daughter, because she knows I'm taking her away to make a new start.   A new start where there are no lies!  It hurts taking her with me, but I can't stay close to her in the same area as I know she will continue to use me for her gain...  And she is still the love of my life.   Feel Lost Without Her!   

[Hope 2021]

I've been married for 20 years to a very successful woman that I felt in love with instantaneously.   Although I don't want to sound naive, I knew from the beginning that she had some intense emotional issues.   Her way of thinking about relationships was completely different than mine.  Always striving for the in-love idea and honeymoon stages every day and every time she din't get what she expected, I felt that I lost critical points from the way that she felt in love.   I succumbed to her needs 24/7, but with both being military and the challenges of deployments, I was always putting her first at all times to prevent her from losing track of me.   I am a very realistic person who goes above and beyond to help others.   I was raised to be humbled and respectful.   After 3 emotional affairs and still denying all of them, I was forced to take action.   The last issue happened on Valentines Day while I was gone visiting my family.   Not to go in detail, but I knew she brought her emotional boyfriend to spend the night while my teenage kids were in house.  Of course, they didn't know, but once I confronted her about it, she completely denied the actions.   My anger took over and I packed her stuff and made it leave our beautiful home.   Unfortunately, my kids heard the entire argument as I didn't intent to.   She showed no guilt, remorse or empathy on how that affected me and will continue to affect me.   The only thing she said that she didn't know where to go...  I told her that there were plenty hotels in the area, as I had to do the same 8 years ago when she made me leave the house because of the 2nd emotional affair.   Stayed in an Extended Hotel for a year before I was forced to take orders and leave them in our home while she finished her tour.   She wanted the separation to figure out what's wrong with her.   I involuntary left because I felt I didn't have any choices.   During the two years, she willfully allowed her boyfriend and daughter to move-in into my house.   She still denying it happened.  At the end of the two years, she had to take orders overseas and started communicating for me to take orders to the same location to make it work, promising that she was going to get help...  During 4 years overseas, things were looking promising and I felt she was happy striving at work and at home.   As soon as we got back stateside, her stressors levels at work started to open those unfinished feelings of not being in-love with me again.   I was able to stabilize the marriage a little better since I was retired by then and had more quality time to spend with her and the kids.  But I felt she never valued my contributions to keep the marriage alive.   

During the past two years, she was assigned to a sea duty command that deploys 70% during the year.   During her most recent deployment, which I knew was going to be a stressor on her, I dedicated my efforts to keep her informed on everything (House, Kids, immediately family, my feelings), and assisted her with her work long distance.  I e-mailed  2 or 3 times a day telling her everything that she needed to know, especially how much I missed her.   Once I found out about the details of the 3 emotional affairs, I discovered that it was happening during the deployment and at the same time she was e-mailing back reassuring how much she love me and how much she was thinking of me.   The lies, deceive, and lack of guilt or shame, broke my heart in 1,000 pieces.    I know she loves me behind all of those detractors, but her unwillingness to get help knowing that she is destroying our beautiful family makes me angry and lost, knowing that there is nothing I can do to help her anymore. 

I am not looking for hope or an explanation, but I never quitted on her hoping that time will cure her heart - and I was wrong.    She wants to be on her own, willing to let me take my teenage daughter out of state and not willing to fight her demons.   I cry every night as I cannot sleep anymore.   Every time I close my eyes I envision her with another man and it's killing me on the inside.   Her family never knew about our issues and I know it's not a public discussion with them.    But she always kept it away from them as she didn't want them to know about her issues.   Unfortunately, the time is coming that she won't be able to keep the fake version of herself and some of the truth will come out.    And I know it will be additional stressors on her and I do expect for her to blame me for not giving her what she needed all of these years.   A few days ago, she finally expressed some emotions to my daughter, because she knows I'm taking her away to make a new start.   A new start where there are no lies!  It hurts taking her with me, but I can't stay close to her in the same area as I know she will continue to use me for her gain...  And she is still the love of my life.   Feel Lost Without Her!   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hey Hope 2021,



You sound like you’re in a lot of pain. I can relate with your post. You pour yourself into your marriage in the hopes that things will eventually improve and the narrative slowly becomes worse.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I can understand how moving out of state will make it easier for you but how about your teenage daughter? You have a r/s with your D and she has a r/s with her mom, it’s not you, your D and mom. Something that helped me that may help you I’d that when I dropped off the kids I didn’t talk to mom.

Are you talking to a T? (Therapist)

[Hope 2021]

Thank you for your reply and concern!  It means a lot to me as you are the first one to reply in a month.   I did the therapist journey in 2010 for 3 months and I felt that although I was expressing my feelings to a professional, the feedback I received was basically telling me that she was on my side and understood what I was going through.   But the reality of the situation was still the same as soon as I left the office.  My wife was still acting the same way with no remorse or care about the struggles I was living every day.   I left to Hawaii for 2 years unaccompanied while she moved somebody to our home with my two kids and kept it a secret.   I knew but couldn't do anything since we were both active duty.   And I was living in a hotel for a year prior to moving to Hawaii... So the separation for me devastated me, but she used that time to find her happiness not knowing the actual consequences at the end.   And just when I thought she came to her senses, we got back together and went overseas for 4 years.    Things were great and I was convinced that she matured and was able to control her emotions and impulsive behaviors.    Came back to the states and after two years, her new job tested her stress levels and everything came down falling apart.   The thing is that while she was gone on deployment, I took care of everything and ensured she got anything she needed on deployment, from 3-4 e-mails a day with pictures of the kids so she didn't feel behind in their lives.   Her e-mails were great, appreciating everything and extremely proud of what I was doing for her.  Even reminding me that she couldn't live without me and thanking me for being with her.  Nevertheless, She was already having an emotional affair with another person and things escalated from there.   Her demeanor toward me changed drastically over the last six months.   But this time, she crossed the line with so much impulse as to she didn't care about how bad it was, how it was going to affect me or the kids.   And today, she lives with a female friend temporary, waiting to start moving her stuff in the next few weeks with no regrets.    I truly believe she thought since I love her so much, that I was going to just concede, move out and get a place close to her to take care of the kids, finances and whatever else she needs... Needless to say, once I told her I was not going to stay here and I was going to take my 15-year, her demeanor change.  Not much she can do at this time, but I know she is slowly trying to convince my daughter to stay with her.   She has no remorse, regret, shame or even concern about how terrible the situation is and that's what destroying me on the inside.   I try to stay focus around the house, as I have so much to do before the move and I can't seem to find the strength to start anything.     I am going to see a therapist in the next two weeks - I promise!    I just hope that is somebody that tells me exactly how to face this vice telling me that I am doing the right thing.    I could easily hurt her career but it will not accomplish anything at all.   I feel that my reason in my life was just to take care of her in everything I could.   And now, I can't find a path that allows me to take focus and move on with my daughter.    They do have a relationship but my daughter is really shy and is slowly coming off the shelve.   The mother's love can never be replaced, although I was the one taking care of them since they were babies.   I have read so many posts, forums, and online information about BDP, and it's just incredible how she fits almost every trait.   But like they say, they will never accept responsibility, nor will feel regret about what they did.   I guess I had wishful thinking all of these years, hoping that she could come out on the top and truly appreciate all of the sacrifices and compromises I did for her and the family.   When she is thriving, I was so happy with her...  may be happy for her than happy for me, but my unselfishness blinded me in setting boundaries and keeping them alive.   I feel terrible and lost without her.    Sometimes all I think is how much free and happy she is feeling with the other person, knowing that I was the one doing all for her.    A crappy feeling! 

   My daughter is looking forward to start in a new place but I know she feels the pressure from her mom about leaving.    Of course, my biggest fear is that she doesn't get acclimated in the new location and/or school.   But it is a risk that I must do in order for both of us start something new.   

Thank you for replying to my post.   I know I probably dwell on stuff that it may be irrelevant to what I need to do, but the irony of knowing that I still love her even with her imperfections, is taking a toll on me.    I'll keep them short next time...  Cheers! 

[St Jude]

Hope 2021,

First, thank you for your service.  In reading both of your posts I’m feeling incredibly grateful for the service that you have done for the country, both from the perspective of your own duties as well as supporting a fellow service member while deployed overseas. 

It sounds like you have been, and currently are, in deep pain and anguish from the storms of mental illness.  It grasps at you and pulls you under, despite the strength that you clearly have as someone who has gone through many of life’s challenges. 

In short, you don’t deserve it.  I know you know this and it’s easier said than done, but an alanon sentiment that stuck with me when having something in my life that was really dragging me down and compromising my ability to feel joy in things that used to bring me joy is simply, ‘what if you didn’t have that thing pulling you down’.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that you no longer have the relationship, just not the toxic levels of the relationship.  What if you didn’t have this thing that sours life and makes you sick?  What would life be like?  Are there hobbies you enjoy that you haven’t been able to participate in with the same gusto you once had, or could have.  Do you like just going on walks/hikes/beautiful drives and feeling the sun, or reading a great book. 

I’ve been sharing this sentiment a lot lately, but it’s the thing that really clicked for me when I was down in the dumps of the BPD lows from my partner (and spoiler alert we’re still together and I still love the guy), you need to live your best life, and she’s going to rise up and come with you, or she’s not.  And by come with you, this doesn’t mean in the same boat necessarily, but just in the direction of light and love, vs staying in the same toxic cycles it sounds like she finds herself in.  Since you share a daughter she will be in your universe, and my hope for you is this universe is a flourishing one, rather than poisonous.

My partner still suffers, although he has gotten better over time, and he still causes me stress, but I remember that there is a lot I love about life, and I remember and make it my mission to do the things I love that bring me joy. 

I hope you find joy and peace and the same hope for your partner as well

[Mutt]

I did the therapist journey in 2010 for 3 months and I felt that although I was expressing my feelings to a professional, the feedback I received was basically telling me that she was on my side and understood what I was going through

I’m sorry you didn’t get an earlier response de. That’s waiting for a long time for sure. If I can make a suggestion, you can join members discussions while you wait for a response. Talking to others in a similar situation helps you as well. Again my apologies.

That being said how frequent were the sessions back in 2013? Once a week, bi weekly or monthly?

I left to Hawaii for 2 years unaccompanied while she moved somebody to our home with my two kids and kept it a secret.

Wow!

Came back to the states and after two years, her new job tested her stress levels and everything came down falling apart.

As you probably already know stress exacerbates BPD traits. From what you shared here there’s a pattern where she’s triggered in situations that manifest change to your regular routine.

The thing is that while she was gone on deployment, I took care of everything and ensured she got anything she needed on deployment, from 3-4 e-mails a day with pictures of the kids so she didn't feel behind in their lives.

That’s good that you’re keeping in touch with a loved one. I’d say at least once per day and as you probably already know pwBPD lack object permanence a cognitive skill developed in early childhood. It’s the cognitive understanding that an an attachment or an object still exists even though that they are relatively not close to us physically. Think of playing peek a boo with your daughters when they were babies and they can’t connect that you’re actually still there they think that you’ve disappeared.

Perhaps the frequency that you’re contacting her is a manifestation of some of your own fears.

What do you think?

But this time, she crossed the line with so much impulse as to she didn't care about how bad it was, how it was going to affect me or the kids.   And today, she lives with a female friend temporary, waiting to start moving her stuff in the next few weeks with no regrets.

Have you talked to a L ( lawyer ) about what strategy works best when there are kids involved. What I mean does it work in your favor if mom stays in the family home with the kids and the father finds a temporary place to live or is it in the fathers favor to stay in the family home with the kids with mom finding a temporary place to live.

Let’s say in a few more months time and if either one of you decides to start dissolving the marriage and sort custody in divorce or court or family court how will it be viewed or weight in the judges mind with the aforementioned scenarios?

She has no remorse, regret, shame or even concern about how terrible the situation is and that's what destroying me on the inside.

A pwBPD have chronic feelings of shame and self hatred and guilt. When you’re mentally preoccupied with these thoughts for most of the time it creates blind spots with your interpersonal skills and awareness. You’re too busy battling your own internal battles and trying to function and have little to no time with thinking about how your actions are affecting loved ones around you.

I’m not defending her with saying that because she has an obligation to take care of her mental illness was whatever that mental illness is.

I just hope that is somebody that tells me exactly how to face this vice telling me that I am doing the right thing.    I could easily hurt her career but it will not accomplish anything at all.   I feel that my reason in my life was just to take care of her in everything I could.

You’re doing the right things you’re seeking the help of a T  and talking to a support group concurrently and again when you have the need to talk start a discussion and if there’s no answer right away read other discussions and join them in the meant time.

Are there hobbies you enjoy that you haven’t been able to participate in with the same gusto you once had, or could have.  Do you like just going on walks/hikes/beautiful drives and feeling the sun, or reading a great book.  

I want to echo St Jude because self care is really important especially when you have a loved one with BPD.

What do you do for self care?

Thank you for replying to my post.   I know I probably dwell on stuff that it may be irrelevant to what I need to do, but the irony of knowing that I still love her even with her imperfections, is taking a toll on me.    I'll keep them short next time...  Cheers!

There’s no need to apologize it’s all part of the process. A part of it is breaking down the pieces of a particular situation by asking about it and you may ask several times. You want to get the perspective from different people and that’s what you have to gain from here is that you have so many people that can help show you a perspective that helps with this blind spots it will help you with making sense of your situation that’s unique for you.

You want to ask questions and nobody will judge you here if you ask the same question again because you might be losing that same question to a different audience and get slightly different or completely different answers that suit your situation that helps you process it.

Keeps asking questions.

[Hope 2021]

Thank you St. Jude!

    Serving our country for more than 30 years has fulfilled a great deal of pride in my life and continues to do today.   You are absolutely right - my strength is the only thing that kept me sane during all of these years, always trying to find a way to make things better for all of us.  I do understand that I don't deserve this, but as you said, it's easier said than done.    I get when people tell me that I must move on and start a new life.  But my only joy in life was taking care of my family, everything else second.  Maybe due to my unselfishness and how humble I am when it comes to me.   You can't make somebody love you nor can't make them change.   The lack of empathy and remorse makes things for me so devastating and hard to accept.  I had so many dreams but my main two were to finish a career in the military, which I did honorably and with distinction and second, create a wonderful family full of love and joy.   I used to golf and play softball, but a few health issues (nothing bad), have prevented to enjoy these two hobbies.   Honestly, I really don't have anything major to clear my mind.   I spent endless hours keeping my beautiful home spotless, not to mention taking care of 8 across and landscaping.   Although it was tough, I did with pride and attention solely because I wanted my wife to see how much I worked to maintain our home so she didn't have to worry about it and focus on her career and family.   As you said, living my best life is the best thing for me, but unfortunately this is the topic that I'm struggling with, since my heart and soul were devoted to her...  So it may sound that I'm depress, which I know I am, but I feel that it's something bigger than that.   Any man could have left running and find a new life or new love rapidly.   But that's not me.   I am not saying that I will not find love again, but it has never crossed my mind and my heart still belongs to her.   Our daughter is my reason that I'm still here.   My older son, 18, is going to college and although he knows that she has problems, he connects more with her since she treats him like a friend vice a mother.   Sad but true!  But I'm ok with it since I know he wants to help her somehow.   

Thanks for your feedback and wisdom - means the world to me and I sure appreciate you taking the time to share your comments.   Thank you!