BPD singled me out

[Parents! Get help here!]

My BPD daughter has singled me out and all blame and anger is solely aimed at me. I wonder if that's common and what to do about it.
Other members of family do not see or have an issue with her. I am feeling singled out and treated as a target of blame, just me.

[normal person]

My BPD daughter has singled me out and all blame and anger is solely aimed at me. I wonder if that's common and what to do about it.
Other members of family do not see or have an issue with her. I am feeling singled out and treated as a target of blame, just me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!
 The BPD having a scapegoat is very common.  It usually happens to be the one they are the closest to emotionally because it is " safe" to vent frustrations on this person.  If at all possible, try not to take it too personally.  It also helps to read up on this - there are some suggested reading material in the Library here.  One is " Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It explained the BPD behavior to me .  Please keep writing back- we are here for you.

[BlueLilly]

Hi there, I am blamed for all my BPD daughter's woes as well. I wanted to tell you one little trick that usually helps me not engage when she tells me things like you're a horrible mother and far far worse. I try to remember that whatever she is saying about me is as useful as if she said "You are purple!" Yeh, I know I'm not purple so it kind of slides on down and away from me like it hit a closed window.

My daughter is 29 and still living with me and is currently bawling because I won't give her money to move out - been there, done that. Just hoping it doesn't turn into another night of the neighbors calling the police.

Anyway, you are not purple!

[normal person]

Lol... That's a good one. I will try that.

[BonnieW]

Hi normal person

You're in good company, I am also the target for everything that has ever gone wrong in my daughter's life.  She holds me responsible for all the nasty things that have happened to her and I did them all by myself (except for my sisters' help once in awhile).  

My sister made a statement last week that has resonated with me ever since.  She said "you don't OWN her feelings."  I interpret this statement as 'how she feels about me does not define me.'  I know what kind of person I am, and I'm not the cruel, neglectful, emotion-less person that she makes me out to be.  I have my faults and I can own them, but my faults do not include the labels that she has chosen for me.

I hope this helps.  It has helped for me to type it out.

Have a great day.

~B

[Sancho]

I am definitely in the same boat. All my fault - it's such a twist in reality actually. I get blamed for something that has nothing to do with me.

Interested in your situation BlueLilly - sounds like mine: 30 year old DD who explodes regularly about not be able to stand being in this place - of course I'm to blame for the fact she is here.

I have also done the 'help to move out' thing - ends in chaos - but more recent years she has been living with different boyfriends (substance abuse in common and also mental health issues).

I'd be interested to read more about how you cope, how often do the police get called and your situation in general - but only if you feel like sharing of course.

So much of what you have written sounds like my situation - though you may not have the added issue of substance abuse.

Take care and thanks for sharing people!

[BlueLilly]

Hi Sancho and fellow survivors,

My situtation is this: 29 yo daughter with bpd, born to barely adult parents who split for good when she was  toddler. I've raised her and we have had one of those relationships that didn't have appropriate boundaries (my bad) so there is some codependency issues and lack of respect for me - and everyone else.

She was diagnosed with Crohn's at 17 and has been on various meds ever since and has had many unfortunate health issues related to that. She did go to a really great college and graduated and was working full time for a bit, although she has trouble hanging on to jobs. She's been really sick the last couple of years with Crohn's related issues including several hospital stays and I helped her pay rent until her lease was up since I was a co-applicant.

She moved home for the billionth time and then Covid-19 hit and we've been stuck together in the house for a year. I was diagnosed with a treatable stage 4 breast cancer in 2016 which really sent her into a spiral. She is burning relationships left and right because everyone tells her she should be doing more to take care of herself (I'm still working from home full-time) and she feels like everyone thinks I'm a saint and she's lazy and rude.

Last week, I moved her out again about an hour away (her choice, she believes she'll get better healthcare and has friends in the area). She is applying for disability so her dad and I are covering her rent until that kicks in. It's the first time he has helped out in a consistent way since she turned 18. His father had bipolar disorder so sometimes it helps him understand if I ask him about his father's behavior and challenges. He and I get along fine but he has a wife and 2 young children.

This step had to be taken so we didn't end up on an episode of Dateline - the cops have been to my house 3 times in the last year. It's worth every penny to have distance. She has had substance abuse issues but it appears not addiction issues, if that makes sense. Now she only smokes pot which is legal here and I don't have an issue with it except for the fact that she'll spend money on that before paying her bills.

I am not good at the dbt stuff, took the family connections course and have read all the books but I also did some hard chemo the first year after my diagnosis and my brain is different. I don't absorb as much and am kind of in the moment, less abstract. Plus I was already a very logical person, I work with data, facts, not emotions.

The I'm not purple thing helps me to not absorb the things she says about me, I know they are not true. Ex: I never support her but I'm paying part of her rent, her health insurance, some other bills, and I moved her without the assistance of my family because she doesn't want to talk to them.

How do I cope? Weekly therapy, trying to focus on the good things in any given moment (mindfulness!), journaling, writing letters to her I would never actually send, writing nice letters to myself. I can't talk to anyone, they all think I need to use tough love and I was removed from a support group because my situation was too much, according to the leader who was charging us $35 for each group session. She told me I should call an abuse hotline. My daughter has occasionally been in a blind rage and pushed me or grabbed me.

When the police come, I just explain to them she has psych issues and they can always tell because I'm the calm one and she will be sobbing and screaming. The most challening part for me is the go away/stay issue. She wants somebody around but I'm the only one she tends to allow around and then she often spends much of the time telling me to go f*%& myself and that she hates me doesn't want to call me mom, claims I'm a monster and that I'm different than everyone thinks. She takes no responsibility for her own actions or feelings.

I understand that in her mind, just knowing she will interact with me starts this haze in her brain of every negative thing she perceives I have done to take over and by the time I arrive she's blazing and will say things like "how could you do this to me?" And when I try to explain that I don't understand how things went sideways while I was driving over she just gets angrier. The text messages will look like this:

Me: I'm on my way!
Her: Okay
Her: where are you?
Her: YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE HERE
Me: sorry, in traffic
Her: ARE YOU EVEN COMING? YOU DON'T GIVE A F#*K ABOUT ME. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULD DO THIS.
Her: YOU NEVER GAVE A F*&% ABOUT ME
Me: I'm here, can you open the gate?
Her: YOU ARE SO SELF CENTERED...

You get the gist. Sorry for novel. That literally happened yesterday. I would have just gone home but she needs someone to help with unpacking and stuff. I would love to chat more with you all though. Nobody else can understand what we do and why we do it.

Sancho, what's your situation?

Thanks!

[Oceanfish]

My 35 year old daughter did the same things several years ago and ultimately estranged herself from me. Upon her exit, she accused me of things I absolutely didn't do. I went into therapy to make sure I didn't have BPD (which she accused me of) and to learn everything I could because I strongly suspect she received that diagnosis while hospitalized for severe alcohol abuse.
Interestingly, my mother did the same thing to me as I was growing up and had convinced the extended family that I was quite awful.
I have recently distanced from a friend who I think is likely BPD and she is currently on a smear campaign. I have established very clear boundaries and right now I am declining invitations to gatherings she has been invited to because I need to regroup.
This most recent situation has triggered PTSD, which I am able to control for the most part, thanks to EMDR. It sure is crazy-making and I find I question my own mental health from time to time.