Hi and Welcome!
I'm so sorry you're struggling and suffering.
BPD is a very serious and treatment-difficult disorder. And for those of us in love with those afflicted (or have behaviors that suggest/manifest it), it can be torment.
It's like the old "Chinese Water Torture," the constant drip, drip, drip, drip of (I love you, F-you, you're stupid, etc., I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again, I'll do anything because I love you, You think you're so f-ing smart, but you don't know anything, you should've never been born, Please don't cry, it hurts me, I'm so sorry, I was just under a lot of stress, I'll prove to you that I love you, every single day!)
O.M.G. It's a roller-coaster from hell. We so desperately love the "Dr Jekyll" - that unique, caring, generous, fun person we have SEEN and we have EXPERIENCED good times with! Then, when "Mr. Hyde" comes out, we're so blinded by the "love/good person" we make excuses and we keep letting it happen.
Over time - it reaches a point where your own "life candle flame" gets snuffed out - you live to appease, to calm, to pre-plan, to censor, to strategize, to walk on the damn eggshells. That is NO quality of life. That is a life that is just given over to another person to do with whatever they feel, whenever they feel. But, we yearn for those moments of "true love."
So - yes, I totally understand. So many people here do too!
It takes a lot of soul-searching, determining what YOU want out of life. If you are willing to endure the pain of the back/forth, and the insecurity, you will have work to do. If you decide that you don't want to spend you life, just to accommodate someone else's, you will also have work to do.
(I'm in the process of detaching from a 25-YEAR marriage. I suddenly AWOKE to the awful realization that HALF OF MY LIFE has been in this cycle. I realized I have nothing left, and no desire to even try to appease anymore. I realized that my life was given to ME, to life for Myself - not to just give on a plate to another being. I deserve the time, the life, to truly explore who I am, what I'm REALLY about now, who I want to be, what my interests are, how I can be the human I can be, etc.!)
So I suppose (sorry for the rambling post - it's my nature) educate yourself, care about yourself, and really ponder what it is that you want for the LIFE that was given TO YOU. It is your choice to make! And whichever way you go - it's okay - as long as you can feel happiness and comfort in your choice!
This is an awesome resource! In the past 2 months of the agony of my own detaching (it is so hard - EVEN despite the mile long list of his vile, vicious insults, rages, breaking things, intimidations, etc. - so crazy that I still have reservations - like a form of brainwashing, I guess!), but I have truly learned SO much here and these folks are amazing human beings! Their advice is personal, so it's not just "fluff talk," they really know and understand.
I suppose the last thing I'd suggest is get yourself a therapist/counselor to help support you, help you achieve your needs, and provide you with tools and info to deal and cope with life as it is, or as it could be.
Post again soon, k?
