I thought I could handle this on my own

[emo515]

Hi, brand new here.  Married almost 19 years with two children.  The youngest (age 10) was diagnosed with autism this year and that is a whole other layer to the stress.  For the longest time I thought my husband was bipolar.  We each currently see our own therapists, but he claims that I "make" him go and he doesn't want to be in therapy.  His therapist went over diagnostic criteria with him and decided he has BPD traits, but since husband hides his level of anger and other things, I believe therapist isn't seeing the whole picture. He has been canceling his appointments.  I am just so tired of the roller coaster.  Everything somehow is about my husband, even when it isn't.  Our kids are horribly confused by his behavior.  I never know who I will be dealing with each day.  When times are good, I feel like it's no big deal, but then the tides turn and I feel like I am drowning.  I have read a few books, most recently Walking on Eggshells.  I am eager to hear others experiences and find more support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jmbl]

Hello, brand new here as well.

My partner (male) has had a BPD diagnosis for 5 years. We have been together 2 years, and live together with his daughter/my step daughter (6 years old). It is a rollercoaster and I often don't feel that I am doing the right thing. Have you talked to his therapist? I don't know if this is an option, but just today my partner and I discussed the idea of me seeing the same doctor as him to allow the care provider to see the whole picture, hear my perspective, and provide me with insight that he has gained as his care practitioner. I do hope my partner sticks with this idea - just after we discussed it, the dog broke his fishing line and I am now "leaving him alone" for the evening. I don't know what partner I will get in the morning or when I go to bed - the reality is that I just don't want him to feel negatively.

[emo515]

I have joined some of his sessions (currently telehealth) and I think the therapist is fantastic and so insightful.  Husband claims is doesn't do any help and he only does it because I asked.  Wouldn't you want help to feel better?

[jmbl]

Hey emo515,

I would encourage you to continue supporting your husband attend the sessions. Although he may be saying he only goes because you want him to, he may be getting more out of it than you know. I often find that my partner pushes against support (from myself or others), but (when appropriate/applicable) if I encourage him from a position of understanding and validation, he is grateful that he persevered. There can be a lot of trust/distrust when attending appointments with healthcare providers. Being involved in his care will allow for a more objective perspective on what the care is like and will hold him accountable.

It is a difficult road, but if the therapist is, as you say, fantastic and insightful, then there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Continue to be caring, compassionate, and coming from a position of love, understanding, and validation.

I have found the "Lessons" board on here to be very helpful for practical, real life advice that focuses on communication, understanding, and empathy. Currently, I am reading "Talking to a Loved One with BPD" (Kreisman, author of "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me) and it's provided me with insight to what my partner is feeling when we speak. Recognizing that our partners' experiences ARE real and allowing them the support to work through their emotions helps them to trust that we love them and are committed.