No contact with ex but bonded with college age special daughter of several years

[Upisdwn]

I am two months out from my ex fiancee breaking our engagement.  Within a week she was dating someone else and declaring to friends and family that she had met her soulmate.  It was tough to watch, but I had to because she and her daughter could not move out until last week because their apartment wasn't ready.  Sometimes, I had to leave my house because my ex would talk on her phone to her friends about her new man so that I could hear the conversation.

Her biological daughter is my special daughter and always will be.  I am no contact now with my ex and I have accepted that there will never again be a romantic relationship between me and my ex.  I am on guard for the charming stage.  However, my biological son and biological daughter have bonded closely with their special sister.  We will never abandon her. She loves us and we love her.  That makes everything complicated, but my special daughter says that she can't imagine ever severing ties we me and other "adoptive family members."  I do not ask anything about her mother, and I do not check social media.  I am doing everything I know to do give my love as a special dad without having any contact with her mother.   I cannot abandon my special daughter.  Doing so would be devastating to my special daughter, to me and my family!  To be clear my biological daughter and my special daughter are both young adults being 21 years old.

Does anyone have any  advice on how to navigate this complicated situation?

Thank you,

Upisdwn

[Mutt]

Hi Upisdwn,



I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I can I d’état and how painful it is when you’re hurting inside and the person that you’re going to be engaged to is  claiming that they’ve never been more in love with someone else. That’s tough.

I’ve gone through something similar with my exSD ( step daughter ) but she was much younger and it was complicated after the r/s ( relationship ) was over.

It sounds like she is old enough and has a r/s with you bio daughter and son and that she says that she can’t imagine leaving you.

You know your ex better than anyone on the boards, is she going to put her self in the middle of the r/s’s or are you seeing your special daughter struggling with loyalty? 

[Upisdwn]

Hello, Mutt.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.  My special daughter(SD) loves her mom dearly, so I have let my SD know that there is no expectation from me for her to choose sides.  In fact, I avoid any discussion of my ex with my SD.  I am hopeful and in prayer that my ex will not try to interfere with the relationship with my SD and me and my family. However, I cannot be certain of what might happen because not enough time since the breakup has past.

Upisdwn

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Upisdwn,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  I suggest you prepare for the possibility that your Ex may try to sabotage the r/s with your special daughter.  Fortunately your special daughter, at 21, is old enough to make up her own mind, as Mutt suggests, but those w/BPD can be incredibly vindictive and jealous.  I should know, having become estranged from my kids due to Parental Alienation Syndrome carried out by my BPDxW.

LuckyJim

[Upisdwn]

Hello, Lucky Jim.

Thank you for your reply.  Having your ex deliberately go on a campaign to drive your children from you is brutal.  Moreover, using children to hurt the other parent is unconscionable.  I feel for you and your children. 

I agree that in my situation at least my special daughter is a young adult.  However, my fear remains that my ex will use whatever leverage she can to be disruptive to our relationship.  I guess that all I can do is to every once and a while reinforce to my special daughter that I am always here for her. 

Upisdwn   

[Mutt]

You’re doing the right things by not choosing sides and not saying anything bad about her mom.

[Lucky Jim]

Having your ex deliberately go on a campaign to drive your children from you is brutal.  Moreover, using children to hurt the other parent is unconscionable.  I feel for you and your children. 

Thanks, Upisdwn.  Yes, it's brutal, but that is BPD.  I've never said an unkind word about my BPDxW to my kids, and I never would.  They can draw their own conclusions now that they are young men.

Agree w/Mutt: don't choose sides.  But be prepared for her to attempt to use that leverage you describe to disrupt your r/s.  Suggest you stay above the fray, if it happens.

LJ

[B53]

Upisdwn,

I’m sure that your SD loves her mom dearly, but that doesn’t mean that she is unaware of her mother’s issues. She is also aware of who you are. If her mother starts acting up, you could tell her how much you care for her and don’t want to put her in the middle. Tell her that you will support any decision that she makes and her happiness is what is most important to you. Be consistent and be true to who you are. If her mom does manage to pull her away, it probably won’t be for long. I have found that taking the high road, usually pays off in the end.

Best of luck,
B53

[Upisdwn]

B53,

Thank you for your sage advice.  I do catch myself wanting to say something self serving to my SD during a weak moment, but everyone's support here has helped my rightly keep focused on helping my SD's stability and well being.

Thank you,

Upisdwn